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Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



In.

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Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Teeth and Time
791 words

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Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 03:14 on Jan 8, 2016

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



In.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



The Blue
Canada
967 words

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Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 03:15 on Jan 8, 2016

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



I like to kill.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



same

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Okay. I'm in.

Edit: ho gently caress word limit is 2001?

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Mercedes posted:

:siren::siren:MERC-BRAWL 8: HITMAN MONKEY:siren::siren:

If You've Got the Monkey I've Got the Time
702 words

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Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 03:15 on Jan 8, 2016

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



The Close Encounter
747 words

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Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 03:16 on Jan 8, 2016

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



I goddamn love fairy tales. I'm in. Hit me.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Hard Eatin'
591 words
The Princess and the Pea, 1) pea 2) test

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Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 03:16 on Jan 8, 2016

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Hey Rhino go to IRC ya dick.

Also, your inbox is full.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



I'll take the last one, leekster

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



In the beginning, there was already Aloha. In the now, there is still Aloha and he still just wants you to be cool to one another, to be good to the land, to be supportive of local music, etc. He's not technically the god of surfing or adventure (he's more a god of good times, peace, and love) but doing some sick poo poo on a surfboard is certainly one way of gaining his favor.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



As Long As There Is Aloha There Will Be Aloha
1,176 words
Tyrannosaurus's Aloha and Nubile Hillock's specifically nameless winter god

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Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 03:17 on Jan 8, 2016

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



In.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Birds
273 words

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Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 03:17 on Jan 8, 2016

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



judge?

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Tyrannotwist Brawl

The House on Grove Street
750 words

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Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 03:17 on Jan 8, 2016

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Grizzled Patriarch posted:

Judges:
Yours Truly
curlingiron
Tyrannosaurus

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



I'm in.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Crits Week 136 pt. 1

1. Screaming Idiot ft. Obama & Friends
Do I know your famous person? Yes
Should I? Yes
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes
Is there a story present? Itís really more of a commentary

I thought you lost it there when it was revealed to be a story within a story and that was disappointing. But then you got it back!

This story was exactly how I felt like this week would go: kooky, zany, political. You went over the top and you did it pretty well. But I donít know how much I care for this as a stand alone story. I believe you accomplished what you set out to do but this doesnít have a whole lot of ďweightĒ to it, if that makes sense. Weíll see how the rest of the week goes. Interesting opening to this prompt.

2. SurreptitiousMuffin
ft. Martin Luther
Do I know your famous person? Yes
Should I? Yes
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? Yeah
Is there a story present? Yes, but not a particularly strong one

Your opening paragraph is muddy in my mouth. You could rephrase it to read much smoother. That being said, I like it. I like the imagery a lot.

Your fight scenes really oscillated between good and bad here. There were bits I liked, that I felt like advanced the story, that were useful to understanding the motivations and emotions etc etc. And there were bits where you were clearly transcribing the sweet movie scene you were seeing in your head.

Your ending was weak. I donít think you amped up the powah enough to top it with a pithy one liner and a sentence about heaven weeping.

3. Entenzahn ft. Kurt GŲdel
Do I know your famous person? No
Should I? Yeah...
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes
Is there a story present? No

Wonderful, wonderful opening line. Great economic choices. In under 20 words I was sucked in, I was interested, I knew the setting, I knew the tone, and I had an idea of the character. Very nice. I mean, honestly, this was pretty well written all the way through. gently caress I even like the idea. The problem I have with it, though, is that you donít actually say much. We get a bunch of little vignettes that are loosely tied together by Kurtís fear of death. This, in of itself, wouldnít be a problem if they showed any sort of character development. Kurt seemed very much the same at the beginning as he did in the end. Maybe this was an intentional choice. Some kind of math throw in that I failed to pick up on. But I donít think so. And even if it was you didnít set it up enough to pull it off.

4. Noah ft. Houdini & Cpt. Max Pruss HM
Do I know your famous person? Yes
Should I? Yes
Do I see the last day of their life? No
Do you have an interesting introduction? Itís okay
Is there a story present? Yes

ďBut Pruss was a GermanĒ was a nice line. I liked that one.

Lemme just say, I donít feel like you fulfilled the prompt. I liked your ending. I think it was a good choice and your wording was excellent. Left me with a great feeling. Really, really loved it. But you didnít gimme that last day of a famous personís life you were supposed to.

I donít understand Pruss and Houdiniís relationship. You give me one line about Pruss seeing Houdini as a kid but the escape artist had a diminutive pet name for the captain. Did you mean for there to be more? It feels like there should be more.

You do a nice jump writing the action sequences. I could see them unfolding in my mind. Very predictable but very satisfying at the same time.

Strong ending.

5. Broenheim ft. Van Gogh
Do I know your famous person? Yes
Should I? Yes
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? No
Is there a story present? No

ďHe just wanted to see things like he did before. The stars burning bright, lighting up the dark sky into swirls of blue and white. The spires of mountains and churches climbing up towards the glowing moon. A sleeping town, with the only sign of life being a couple windows shining, but never as strong as the stars. Those images were forever burned in the canvas of his mind.

He was trapped back then. When he looked out over that town, freedom burned as strong as the drinks. Now he was cold.Ē

That is quite well-written. Quite poetic. I think this what you were aiming for for your entire piece. You missed the mark more than you hit it. But here, here you got it. Thatís nice. Keep it. Treasure it. The rest is slop.

No plot here. No really story. Just some (historically inaccurate) waxing on about Van Goghís last day. No reason to be engaged. No reason to give a poo poo.

But! With that being said, I feel like you are improving as a writer.

6. DXH ft. Jose Marti
Do I know your famous person? No
Should I? Arguable
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? No
Is there a story present? Yes

Donít start a story with the character waking up. It's bad form.

Donít point out the super sweet symbolism of a characterís name. When you do that, what you're really doing is either pointing out your contempt for your audienceís intelligence or highlighting your own ďcleverness.Ē Naw bruh. Not cool. Not ever. Now, I do recognize Angel was actually named Angel de la Guardia in real life but pointing that kind of poo poo out is still irritating. Don't do it.

Your title sucked but I would have had no idea who your dude was without it.

Why did the fat dude never get a name? He showed up enough to get a name.

Your prose is clumsy. You need to get out of ďmovie modeĒ where you try and script everything out how it would be seen on a screen.

The death didnít feel symbolic and it should have. Or should it have? I donít know. What was the point of this? Were you simply retelling the real death of Jose Marti? Why would you do that? Why not make it significant in some way, shape or form? I find the utter lack of significance the most damning fault of this piece.

7. Jitzu_the_monk ft. Tupac Shakur
Do I know your famous person? Yes
Should I? Yes
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes
Is there a story present? Yes

You succesfully completed the requirements of the prompt. This more than a lot of people can say.

You had a lot of fun writing this and it shows. Itís fun.

The video game progression of unlocking beats doesnít really work here, though. Nor do the rhymes themselves. They didnít sound real. They certainly didnít sound ill. Rap can be a difficult thing to read because it is so beat and breathe dependent. I struggled to find the meter.

The final, climatic battle was nice. The ending was unclear. Did Pac suicidebomb them both? Was he reaching for Biggieís destruct switch? Did Evil Robot Biggie power on and kill Tupac before he flipped the switch? Was Pac satisfied in his decision because as he set the explosion he saw the Biggie was back to being evil and therefore knew he had done what needed to be done to end the cybernetic threat? NO IDEA

8. Paladinus ft not Napolean I
Do I know your famous person? [strikethrough]Yes[/strikethrough] No
Should I? No
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? Nope
Is there a story present? Nah

Just cuz you do a crazy dude who thinks heís a famous dude doesnít mean you wrote about a famous dude.

I think you just tried to be too clever. Your ending reeked of this really great ďpointĒ that you never actually made. You had the framework but failed to have anything inside it. Did you have a much grander idea for this story that you had to cut due to word/time constraints? Thatís what it feels like.

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 22:17 on Mar 17, 2015

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Hey Benny the Snake. Remember this lovely story? I do. I also remember your little bitchfit over the judgment. Brawl me.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



newtestleper posted:


Traffic Cop Bay by Bill Hammond

Words: 650


Teyron Foley and the Thousand-Yard Stare
661 words

Archived.

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 03:17 on Jan 8, 2016

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



I'm in

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Ironic Twist posted:

Let me piggyback on this :toxx: and say that I will have my week 134 crits done by the same time.

Week 136 crits by subs close :toxx:

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Bennysaurus Beatdown

The Con
783 words

Archived.

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 03:18 on Jan 8, 2016

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



The Circumstances of Love and Danger During Sophomore Year
1200 words + 78 from Week 100

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Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 03:18 on Jan 8, 2016

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



week 136 judgeburps pt. II

9. Bompacho - Qin Shi Huang
Do I know your famous person? No
Should I? I dunno
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? It was okay
Is there a story present? No

Your biggest crime here is that of being boring. Secondary crime: not telling a story. This was a pretty simple retelling of how Qin Shi Huang died. What character here had any agency? What character was actively pushing the plot? What was the plot?

10. Benny Profane - Franz Reicholt WIN
Do I know your famous person? No
Should I? Heís certainly interesting
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes
Is there a story present? Yes

Your dialogue, though somewhat limited, is superb. You display an excellent ear for dialogue. Your characters have motivations and act on them. Those are good loving things to have in a story. Your plot is good. This is a good retelling of his death without hyperbole and without just blanking copying out what happened. You made it very real.

This is my current choice for the winner. So far.

11 Ancient Blades - Jubei
Do I know your famous person? Yes
Should I? Yes.
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes.
Do you have an interesting introduction? No.
Is there a story present? Yes.

This was an overreaching samurai story but not terrible. I feel like you had an idea for a much grander epic than you were able to squeeze into the word limit. The action sequences are good. You depend quite heavily on your word choice to try and make this story sound ďasianĒ and it doesnít work.

Your ending was very strong. It got poetic there at the end.

12 crabrock - Mama Cass
Do I know your famous person? No
Should I? Yes
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes
Is there a story present? No

Oh hi crabrock with your talent for crafting words. Youíre strong (duh) but I feel like you mostly missed the mark here. This comes across as meaningful but without actually being meaningful, if that makes sense. I like characters that have agency and that do things. Mama Cass refuses to have sex and then dies. Welp. Th-th-th-thatís all folks. Great use of language. Meh everything else.

13 Pete Zah - Tesla
Do I know your famous person? Yes
Should I? Yes
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes
Is there a story present? Yes

Despite being able to tick off yesís for all my questions, I just didnít like this story. All of the components to a good story are there: creative idea, good characters, plot. But I was bored. Your use of language slogged this down. I think you were trying to be poetic and it didnít work. Write simply. Write efficiently. Get good at those things first.

14 newtlestleper - Jean-Paul Marat WIN
Do I know your famous person? Yes
Should I? Yes
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes
Is there a story present? Yes

This is up there with Benny Profane. Your language is tight. Your characters move the plot. I actually stopped taking notes midway through because I got sucked into the story. Thatís a great thing to have happen. You get weak at the end. Were you rushed? It feels rushed. Iíve read stories this week that have better bits to them but this one, so far, is that best overall story.

Well, maybe. Iíll need to reread B. Profaneís. Itíll probably be close.

15. contagonist - Dr Mengele
Do I know your famous person? Yes
Should I? Yes
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction?
Is there a story present?

This was a Tarantino-esque death of a real dude. Which was cool. I liked that. I like your idea here. But your writing is so unpolished that it buries what great things you have going for it. Thereís not enough forshadowing with the sister to make it hit. The ending feels rushed. All of the eye talk is really lazy: you used it to fill in the gap when it didnít advance your story in any way.

16. sebmojo ft. Hunter S Thompson
Do I know your famous person? Yes
Should I? Yes
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes
Is there a story present? No

Excellent prose marred by an utter lack substance. I think it clear you had a bigger idea this week and ran out of time. Youíre a good writer and you pulled something out of your rear end and youíll probably get an hm that your effort doesnít really deserve.

I donít think the fly thing worked.


:siren: also :siren:
17. Capntastic ft. who gives a gently caress
You were super late. So late real judgement had already passed. My main crit is to submit on time and donít be a fuckhead. kthxbye.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



I'm in.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Five Minutes on the Powerline
920 words

Archived.

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 03:18 on Jan 8, 2016

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



In.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Boogie was Born in the Backseat of a Buick
1158 words

Archived.

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 03:19 on Jan 8, 2016

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



crabrock posted:

tyrannosaurus will make it.

k





Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



In.

Also:

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



banners are for inside jokes only thank you

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006






edit so everythings on the same page



Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 01:27 on Apr 16, 2015

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Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006





The Rumble
663 words

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Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 03:19 on Jan 8, 2016

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