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Jan 3, 2015 05:57
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| # ¿ Apr 27, 2024 09:42 |
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Teeth and Time 791 words Archived. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 04:14 on Jan 8, 2016 |
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Jan 5, 2015 05:56
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In.
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Jan 6, 2015 15:38
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The Blue Canada 967 words Archived. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 04:15 on Jan 8, 2016 |
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Jan 12, 2015 03:46
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I like to kill.
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Jan 15, 2015 22:19
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same
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Jan 15, 2015 23:55
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Okay. I'm in. Edit: ho gently caress word limit is 2001?
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Jan 20, 2015 04:50
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Mercedes posted:
If You've Got the Monkey I've Got the Time 702 words Archived. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 04:15 on Jan 8, 2016 |
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Jan 22, 2015 05:08
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The Close Encounter 747 words Archived. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 04:16 on Jan 8, 2016 |
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Jan 26, 2015 02:40
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I goddamn love fairy tales. I'm in. Hit me.
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Jan 28, 2015 14:30
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Hard Eatin' 591 words The Princess and the Pea, 1) pea 2) test Archived. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 04:16 on Jan 8, 2016 |
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Feb 2, 2015 08:15
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Feb 12, 2015 04:37
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Hey Rhino go to IRC ya dick. Also, your inbox is full.
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Feb 17, 2015 00:34
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I'll take the last one, leekster
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Feb 17, 2015 15:59
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In the beginning, there was already Aloha. In the now, there is still Aloha and he still just wants you to be cool to one another, to be good to the land, to be supportive of local music, etc. He's not technically the god of surfing or adventure (he's more a god of good times, peace, and love) but doing some sick poo poo on a surfboard is certainly one way of gaining his favor.
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Feb 18, 2015 21:55
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As Long As There Is Aloha There Will Be Aloha 1,176 words Tyrannosaurus's Aloha and Nubile Hillock's specifically nameless winter god Archived. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 04:17 on Jan 8, 2016 |
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Feb 23, 2015 04:20
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In.
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Feb 28, 2015 05:59
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Birds 273 words Archived. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 04:17 on Jan 8, 2016 |
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Mar 2, 2015 06:01
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judge?
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Mar 5, 2015 04:53
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Mar 12, 2015 01:56
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Tyrannotwist Brawl The House on Grove Street 750 words Archived. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 04:17 on Jan 8, 2016 |
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Mar 12, 2015 14:41
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Grizzled Patriarch posted:Judges:
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Mar 14, 2015 16:39
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I'm in.
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Mar 17, 2015 23:03
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Crits Week 136 pt. 1 1. Screaming Idiot ft. Obama & Friends Do I know your famous person? Yes Should I? Yes Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes Is there a story present? It’s really more of a commentary I thought you lost it there when it was revealed to be a story within a story and that was disappointing. But then you got it back! This story was exactly how I felt like this week would go: kooky, zany, political. You went over the top and you did it pretty well. But I don’t know how much I care for this as a stand alone story. I believe you accomplished what you set out to do but this doesn’t have a whole lot of “weight” to it, if that makes sense. We’ll see how the rest of the week goes. Interesting opening to this prompt. 2. SurreptitiousMuffin ft. Martin Luther Do I know your famous person? Yes Should I? Yes Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? Yeah Is there a story present? Yes, but not a particularly strong one Your opening paragraph is muddy in my mouth. You could rephrase it to read much smoother. That being said, I like it. I like the imagery a lot. Your fight scenes really oscillated between good and bad here. There were bits I liked, that I felt like advanced the story, that were useful to understanding the motivations and emotions etc etc. And there were bits where you were clearly transcribing the sweet movie scene you were seeing in your head. Your ending was weak. I don’t think you amped up the powah enough to top it with a pithy one liner and a sentence about heaven weeping. 3. Entenzahn ft. Kurt Gödel Do I know your famous person? No Should I? Yeah... Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes Is there a story present? No Wonderful, wonderful opening line. Great economic choices. In under 20 words I was sucked in, I was interested, I knew the setting, I knew the tone, and I had an idea of the character. Very nice. I mean, honestly, this was pretty well written all the way through. gently caress I even like the idea. The problem I have with it, though, is that you don’t actually say much. We get a bunch of little vignettes that are loosely tied together by Kurt’s fear of death. This, in of itself, wouldn’t be a problem if they showed any sort of character development. Kurt seemed very much the same at the beginning as he did in the end. Maybe this was an intentional choice. Some kind of math throw in that I failed to pick up on. But I don’t think so. And even if it was you didn’t set it up enough to pull it off. 4. Noah ft. Houdini & Cpt. Max Pruss HM Do I know your famous person? Yes Should I? Yes Do I see the last day of their life? No Do you have an interesting introduction? It’s okay Is there a story present? Yes “But Pruss was a German” was a nice line. I liked that one. Lemme just say, I don’t feel like you fulfilled the prompt. I liked your ending. I think it was a good choice and your wording was excellent. Left me with a great feeling. Really, really loved it. But you didn’t gimme that last day of a famous person’s life you were supposed to. I don’t understand Pruss and Houdini’s relationship. You give me one line about Pruss seeing Houdini as a kid but the escape artist had a diminutive pet name for the captain. Did you mean for there to be more? It feels like there should be more. You do a nice jump writing the action sequences. I could see them unfolding in my mind. Very predictable but very satisfying at the same time. Strong ending. 5. Broenheim ft. Van Gogh Do I know your famous person? Yes Should I? Yes Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? No Is there a story present? No “He just wanted to see things like he did before. The stars burning bright, lighting up the dark sky into swirls of blue and white. The spires of mountains and churches climbing up towards the glowing moon. A sleeping town, with the only sign of life being a couple windows shining, but never as strong as the stars. Those images were forever burned in the canvas of his mind. He was trapped back then. When he looked out over that town, freedom burned as strong as the drinks. Now he was cold.” That is quite well-written. Quite poetic. I think this what you were aiming for for your entire piece. You missed the mark more than you hit it. But here, here you got it. That’s nice. Keep it. Treasure it. The rest is slop. No plot here. No really story. Just some (historically inaccurate) waxing on about Van Gogh’s last day. No reason to be engaged. No reason to give a poo poo. But! With that being said, I feel like you are improving as a writer. 6. DXH ft. Jose Marti Do I know your famous person? No Should I? Arguable Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? No Is there a story present? Yes Don’t start a story with the character waking up. It's bad form. Don’t point out the super sweet symbolism of a character’s name. When you do that, what you're really doing is either pointing out your contempt for your audience’s intelligence or highlighting your own “cleverness.” Naw bruh. Not cool. Not ever. Now, I do recognize Angel was actually named Angel de la Guardia in real life but pointing that kind of poo poo out is still irritating. Don't do it. Your title sucked but I would have had no idea who your dude was without it. Why did the fat dude never get a name? He showed up enough to get a name. Your prose is clumsy. You need to get out of “movie mode” where you try and script everything out how it would be seen on a screen. The death didn’t feel symbolic and it should have. Or should it have? I don’t know. What was the point of this? Were you simply retelling the real death of Jose Marti? Why would you do that? Why not make it significant in some way, shape or form? I find the utter lack of significance the most damning fault of this piece. 7. Jitzu_the_monk ft. Tupac Shakur Do I know your famous person? Yes Should I? Yes Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes Is there a story present? Yes You succesfully completed the requirements of the prompt. This more than a lot of people can say. You had a lot of fun writing this and it shows. It’s fun. The video game progression of unlocking beats doesn’t really work here, though. Nor do the rhymes themselves. They didn’t sound real. They certainly didn’t sound ill. Rap can be a difficult thing to read because it is so beat and breathe dependent. I struggled to find the meter. The final, climatic battle was nice. The ending was unclear. Did Pac suicidebomb them both? Was he reaching for Biggie’s destruct switch? Did Evil Robot Biggie power on and kill Tupac before he flipped the switch? Was Pac satisfied in his decision because as he set the explosion he saw the Biggie was back to being evil and therefore knew he had done what needed to be done to end the cybernetic threat? NO IDEA 8. Paladinus ft not Napolean I Do I know your famous person? [strikethrough]Yes[/strikethrough] No Should I? No Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? Nope Is there a story present? Nah Just cuz you do a crazy dude who thinks he’s a famous dude doesn’t mean you wrote about a famous dude. I think you just tried to be too clever. Your ending reeked of this really great “point” that you never actually made. You had the framework but failed to have anything inside it. Did you have a much grander idea for this story that you had to cut due to word/time constraints? That’s what it feels like. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 23:17 on Mar 17, 2015 |
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Mar 17, 2015 23:07
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Hey Benny the Snake. Remember this lovely story? I do. I also remember your little bitchfit over the judgment. Brawl me.
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Mar 22, 2015 22:58
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newtestleper posted:
Teyron Foley and the Thousand-Yard Stare 661 words Archived. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 04:17 on Jan 8, 2016 |
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Mar 23, 2015 06:53
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I'm in
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Mar 23, 2015 22:42
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Ironic Twist posted:Let me piggyback on this Week 136 crits by subs close 
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Mar 25, 2015 23:36
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Bennysaurus Beatdown The Con 783 words Archived. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 04:18 on Jan 8, 2016 |
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Mar 30, 2015 01:48
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The Circumstances of Love and Danger During Sophomore Year 1200 words + 78 from Week 100 Archived. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 04:18 on Jan 8, 2016 |
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Mar 30, 2015 03:26
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week 136 judgeburps pt. II 9. Bompacho - Qin Shi Huang Do I know your famous person? No Should I? I dunno Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? It was okay Is there a story present? No Your biggest crime here is that of being boring. Secondary crime: not telling a story. This was a pretty simple retelling of how Qin Shi Huang died. What character here had any agency? What character was actively pushing the plot? What was the plot? 10. Benny Profane - Franz Reicholt WIN Do I know your famous person? No Should I? He’s certainly interesting Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes Is there a story present? Yes Your dialogue, though somewhat limited, is superb. You display an excellent ear for dialogue. Your characters have motivations and act on them. Those are good loving things to have in a story. Your plot is good. This is a good retelling of his death without hyperbole and without just blanking copying out what happened. You made it very real. This is my current choice for the winner. So far. 11 Ancient Blades - Jubei Do I know your famous person? Yes Should I? Yes. Do I see the last day of their life? Yes. Do you have an interesting introduction? No. Is there a story present? Yes. This was an overreaching samurai story but not terrible. I feel like you had an idea for a much grander epic than you were able to squeeze into the word limit. The action sequences are good. You depend quite heavily on your word choice to try and make this story sound “asian” and it doesn’t work. Your ending was very strong. It got poetic there at the end. 12 crabrock - Mama Cass Do I know your famous person? No Should I? Yes Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes Is there a story present? No Oh hi crabrock with your talent for crafting words. You’re strong (duh) but I feel like you mostly missed the mark here. This comes across as meaningful but without actually being meaningful, if that makes sense. I like characters that have agency and that do things. Mama Cass refuses to have sex and then dies. Welp. Th-th-th-that’s all folks. Great use of language. Meh everything else. 13 Pete Zah - Tesla Do I know your famous person? Yes Should I? Yes Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes Is there a story present? Yes Despite being able to tick off yes’s for all my questions, I just didn’t like this story. All of the components to a good story are there: creative idea, good characters, plot. But I was bored. Your use of language slogged this down. I think you were trying to be poetic and it didn’t work. Write simply. Write efficiently. Get good at those things first. 14 newtlestleper - Jean-Paul Marat WIN Do I know your famous person? Yes Should I? Yes Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes Is there a story present? Yes This is up there with Benny Profane. Your language is tight. Your characters move the plot. I actually stopped taking notes midway through because I got sucked into the story. That’s a great thing to have happen. You get weak at the end. Were you rushed? It feels rushed. I’ve read stories this week that have better bits to them but this one, so far, is that best overall story. Well, maybe. I’ll need to reread B. Profane’s. It’ll probably be close. 15. contagonist - Dr Mengele Do I know your famous person? Yes Should I? Yes Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? Is there a story present? This was a Tarantino-esque death of a real dude. Which was cool. I liked that. I like your idea here. But your writing is so unpolished that it buries what great things you have going for it. There’s not enough forshadowing with the sister to make it hit. The ending feels rushed. All of the eye talk is really lazy: you used it to fill in the gap when it didn’t advance your story in any way. 16. sebmojo ft. Hunter S Thompson Do I know your famous person? Yes Should I? Yes Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes Is there a story present? No Excellent prose marred by an utter lack substance. I think it clear you had a bigger idea this week and ran out of time. You’re a good writer and you pulled something out of your rear end and you’ll probably get an hm that your effort doesn’t really deserve. I don’t think the fly thing worked.  also 17. Capntastic ft. who gives a gently caress You were super late. So late real judgement had already passed. My main crit is to submit on time and don’t be a fuckhead. kthxbye.
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Mar 30, 2015 04:59
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I'm in.
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Mar 31, 2015 17:17
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Five Minutes on the Powerline 920 words Archived. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 04:18 on Jan 8, 2016 |
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Apr 6, 2015 07:58
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In.
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Apr 7, 2015 17:20
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Boogie was Born in the Backseat of a Buick 1158 words Archived. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 04:19 on Jan 8, 2016 |
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Apr 13, 2015 07:18
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crabrock posted:tyrannosaurus will make it. k  
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Apr 14, 2015 03:04
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In. Also: 
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Apr 15, 2015 13:59
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banners are for inside jokes only thank you
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Apr 15, 2015 17:34
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 edit so everythings on the same page
Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 02:27 on Apr 16, 2015 |
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Apr 16, 2015 02:16
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| # ¿ Apr 27, 2024 09:42 |
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 The Rumble 663 words Archived. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 04:19 on Jan 8, 2016 |
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Apr 20, 2015 04:11
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