Geniasis posted:

For some reason this sounds like the opening sentence of a short story.

Centripetal Horse posted:

I'd read it.

Also, I have a great Chuck Tingle title for this, but I'm too lazy to post it.

Perestroika posted:

quote:

Not meaning offense to my girlfriend, but she's a big girl (had been since I dated her though so I didn't feel it was my place to say anything) and while I enjoyed her body, I can't deny that the draw of all the hotter women on the website who were seemingly interested in me was too much and I was feeling more and more disconnected from my relationship with this gaping hole

Centripetal Horse posted:

I'd read it.

Also, I have a great Chuck Tingle title for this, but I'm too lazy to post it.

Centripetal Horse posted:

Ward comes home two hours late, smelling of his secretary's perfume. The family sits through a sullen meal, with Ward drinking from a highball glass and refusing to look his wife in the eye, while June makes a point of banging the spoon against the dishes as she serves dinner. Later, from his bedroom, the Beaver hears his mother and father fighting. "Jesus loving CHRIST, June! Don't start with me! Just do not loving START with me!"

A short time later, the Beaver hears his father getting his jacket out of the closet in the entry, then hears the sound of the front door slamming, followed by his father's Buick rumbling to life, and pulling out of the driveway. Down the hall, June wails in frustration, and Beaver winces as he listens to her sob to herself, loudly at first, then quieting down, but never quite stopping. The Beaver pulls the covers over his head, willing himself to be asleep before his father gets home from the bar. The Beaver knows this fight isn't over, and he doesn't want to have to listen to what will come next. Why can't they just love each other?

The Beaver falls asleep wondering if the mom he sees in the morning will have the kind of puffy face she gets from crying, or the kind of puffy face she gets from the other thing. In the middle of a fitful sleep, he dreams of a steam whistle screaming intermittently.

In the distance, a crow caws while Eddie and Wally tag-team the preacher's daughter without using protection.

Clipperton posted:

Personally I'm excited Tim Burton is venturing outside his comfort zone with a movie about freaky kids who are shunned by society but they're actually sensitive and unique and amazing, not like those NORMAL people, I bet Miss Peregrine's Peculiar Children never shoved anyone's head in a toilet yelling ANYONE GOT ANY SHAMPOO FOR BURTON, HE NEEDS TO LOOK PRETTY FOR WHEN HE MAKES OUT WITH THAT ELFMAN KID

Grinning Goblin posted:

"Death is the solution to all man's problems. No man, no problem" - Jospeh "Ultron" Stalin

HebrewMagic posted:

"No woman, no cry"
- Bob "Ultron" Marley

PBS Newshour posted:

i hope this becomes david cameron's ground hog day

corn in the bible posted:

i thought he already did that in college

PleasureKevin posted:

gimmicky dating site offers people beta access if they buy a t-shirt

http://us13.campaign-archive2.com/?u=7ee05f80b53638f6895e2e941&id=bba50cc788

bassguitarhero posted:

i dont think gimmick dating sites need any more betas accessing them

Nanomashoes posted:

chaos rhames posted:

Ironically enough if she's not changed this pumped rump will pickle pee.

Heath posted:

Can someone find the quote where someone describes waking up and starting their day and outlines all of the government-managed tax-funded services they use throughout the day and then goes home to log on to Fox News to complain about how the government can't get anything right?

quote:

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US department of energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the national weather service of the national oceanographic and atmospheric administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the national aeronautics and space administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US department of agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the food and drug administration.

At the appropriate time as regulated by the US congress and kept accurate by the national institute of standards and technology and the US naval observatory, I get into my national highway traffic safety administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the environmental protection agency, using legal tender issued by the federal reserve bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US postal service and drop the kids off at the public school.

After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the department of labor and the occupational safety and health administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal’s inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.

I then log on to the internet which was developed by the defense advanced research projects administration and post on freerepublic.com and fox news forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can’t do anything right.

Chichevache posted:

Has Mythbusters ever tested whether or not a torch could make a human skull pop? That stood out to me and I wasn't sure if a traumatised witness imagined it, or if the right conditions could, what? Boil the brain and increase pressure until the skull burst like Scanners?

Pharnakes posted:

Surely the eye sockets and temples would act as pressure relief valves before that happened. Maybe he saw an eyeball bursting?

Droogie posted:

One would think. I paused before adding this one, but did so after the considerations that:
1. It was a tower guard that witnessed it;

2. It appears in multiple sources, some more dramatic than others. Belive me, my description is more tame in tone;

3. I think the "whistling sound" may have been from pressure relief. You have to take into account this torch wasn't a gentle flame or the wide destructive flame of a flamethrower, but a concentrated, powerful flame used to cut through metal. I don't have a hard time imagining that it would flash boil a section of brain and fluid fast enough to cause a pressure release in the form of a quickly cracked skull.

cash crab posted:

"Some of the group's studies tested common beliefs about how bodies burn. For example, many textbooks state that if a skull is initially intact, the brains will boil and cause the skull to explode into small fragments. Investigators may therefore see the lack of such an explosion as a sign of foul play. Pope's team tested this theory by systematically burning 40 human heads - some injured, others intact. They found that skulls do not explode, burning in broadly the same way regardless of trauma (see image). The team also showed that a skull may look like it has exploded if debris falls on it once the heat has made it brittle (Journal of Forensic Sciences, vol 49, p 431). "

Business of Ferrets posted:

I always assumed the cutting jet would have penetrated straight through, providing the effect.

ToastFaceKillah posted:

I remember watching something on Herculaneum once, saying that when they found the bodies there, at first they thought they were prisoners, or murder victims, because a bunch of the skulls were basically smashed. They found later that the pyroclastic flow was so sudden and hot that that was the reason the skulls had broken.

‘Evidence of the corpses exposure to high temperature, apart postures, were the explosion of the skulls, gross and micro cracking of bones and teeth, blackening of the bones less protected by soft tissues, hyper flection of hands and feet,’ he said.

So extreme heat from a torch could have maybe been hot enough to pop a skull.

Droogie posted:

I think this is closer to what happened. What the guy witnessed was probably an explosion to him, but I think "explosion" is probably closer to "sudden split"

Enfield posted:

idiot deers they get horny and have sex with each other and lay 30,000 deer eggs and suddenly your smashing into them on your motorcycle or chasing your dog around while it sprints desperately away hauling half a deer carcass. when i was a kid i had to sit around at dusk and shoot deer with an air rifle so they wouldnt eat all the tamaters. i had to slit a deer throat after it got tangled up in a barbed wire fence like a retard. every member of my immediate family has killed a deer with an automobile. you dont even need to hunt them anymore theyre more than capable of killing themselves and theres always about 7 or 8 little bambis ready to replace them. kill all the deer and eat their flesh is whatnibalways say

EorayMel posted:

Thread thread on the forum.
What is the funniest post of them all?

Lunchmeat Larry posted:

Enfield is on fire, haha

anthonypants posted:

feeding a bird with a spoon seems like a really stupid thing to do

SmokaDustbowl posted:

toucan sam eats with a spoon dipshit

Young Freud posted:

BTW, on actual BREXIT talk, someone on Pornhub added Boris Johnson's speech to the site under the title "DUMB BRITISH BLONDE FUCKS 15 MILLION PEOPLE AT ONCE".

rndmnmbr posted:

"Put your dick in the vag, young Paul Atredes."

"What's in the vag?"

"Pain."

neonnoodle posted:

Tuxedo Ted posted:

All we need is a donkey and then we got a band going.

Rosalind posted:

I want to hire someone to dress up as a Disney Princess and sing to my cat at his birthday party. Yes I am serious. I just really like the mental image of a Disney Princess singing to my cat. I had a ton of friends and friends of friends offer to do so especially because I said I would be willing to pay for such a performance (I didn't specify any amounts yet) and also he's a pretty popular cat in my social circle. At his birthday party last year we raised enough money to fund all the medical expenses for 2 cats at the Humane Society and the year before that over 50 people attended his party.

I was wondering if anyone had any experience hiring a performer from among friends for a party? What is a fair amount to pay them? I was thinking I'd pay for the costume rental + $50 for like 3 songs or just $100 if they have their own costume, but I don't wanna seem cheap either and shortchange them. Is it fair to ask them to send me a 30 second clip of them singing also?

NESguerilla posted:

For the amount of money you are willing to pay you could see a mental health professional for a whole hour.

Gorilla Salad posted:

China buys all the poo poo we dig up

Also, our politicians suck the beefy cock of the mining industry because, even though they only make up about 10% of the economy, they have always had the most effective lobbyists and biggest bribes.

So, when the mining conglomerates say, "China good" our politicians wipe the bauxite flecked semen off their lips and parrot what their masters tell them.

Doctor J Off posted:

Keep your ear to the ground. Look for underground currents. Listen to the wind in the trees, hear the whispers. Bundle up onion grass, and sauté them in butter with leeks and chives. Extend every fifth step to a lurch on a walk down to the crossroads on the second hour after a rainstorm, and identify yourself to a stranger who will step out of the shadows.

rezatahs posted:

did you just reveal the wu-tang secret

ratbert90 posted:

My wife's call center just told her she can't go to her doctors appointment because there is a client walkthrough. This doctor's appointment she made two weeks ago, told them about, and had approved.

It's a doctors appointment for her knee, and to finish some paperwork so we can start training to be foster parents. I told her to go anyways and take the "double points" because she has 0 points anyways.

gently caress them.

WampaLord posted:

What the gently caress? Like the client is going to go "WHAT IS THIS?" at the site of an unoccupied workstation?

"Do you not chain your workers to their desks so they can't leave? *harumph* I believe we'll be taking our business to a more dedicated operation!"

Prokhor Zakharov posted:

When he transforms Colossus' dick very slowly slithers up into his body with a sound like someone sucking jello through a crazy straw

Justin Godscock posted:

I love how the IOC and FIFA seem to be in a competition over who can award the shittiest applicant their event.

"Yes, we are giving the games to a city filled with toxic cesspools for swimming and mosquitos that will create small-headed retard babies"

"gently caress you, we're going to give the World Cup to a country where the government will give the money to their already-rich construction buddies and where hunting LGBT people is sport"

"The Winter Olympics are being awarded to a nation who borders one that is run by a reclusive lunatic with nukes and satellites. Top that!"

"World Cup in a desert nation where the stadiums have foundations made of migrant bodies and heat stroke for all athletes!"

"poo poo, we've gone too far"

Roylicious posted:

That's why we're crowned the murder capital still
This ain't Rio, this is motherfucking Hamburger Hill!
We don't do drivebys, we park in front of favelas and shoot
and when ISIS come we loving shoot it out with them too!



Did I just hear somebody say they wanna challenge me here?
While I'm holding a pistol with this many calibers here??

Thump! posted:

Trilas posted:

Man, the guy didn't age a day. I wonder what his secret was.

Helen Highwater posted:

Maybe he's born with it, maybe it's Mujahideen!

ArtIsResistance posted:

Good thing goons are here to tell all the obscure uhhh... pedophilia logos?

Gromit posted:

Actually, I got that knowledge from assisting the police child sexual assault investigations unit for about 6 or 7 years. Does that make you feel better?

Whybird posted:

That's a really long time to resist interrogation, I'm impressed.

Grand Prize Winner posted:

There was one guy who'd wear his ren-faire costume to school in the days leading up the ren-faire. One chick wore a cape but she killed herself sophomore year and wasn't a problem anymore.

My Q-Face posted:

Golem II posted:

Scionix posted:

pls do not talk about alzheimers everyone in my family ends up dying from alzheimers i would like to not be reminded of my crushing mortality doomed to end via forgetting everyone i hold dear and making their lives miserable as I foppishly shuffle off this gay earth

That Works posted:

quote:

i would like to not be reminded of

Not gonna be a problem

LSD CURES JUNKIES posted:

Thread about the Olympics in Gbs is pretty good

Red Suit posted:

That first post is referring to Russia, Brazil and Qatar (I think), but what's the forth country?

Red Suit posted:

That first post is referring to Russia, Brazil and Qatar (I think), but what's the forth country?

A GLISTENING HODOR posted:

Page 74 has been sick

Wild EEPROM posted:

You're all missing the point.

Elon is beheading the SV shitlords, they're all lining up for it, and you're saying it's a bad thing?

Smythe posted:

This

Smythe posted:

94 mph autopilot, or, how I learned to stop steering and love Elon's Guillotine