UKMT January and a bit of February 2016: Marxist Theory and Danczuk Memes

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Ms Adequate: Oct 30, 2011; Baby even when I'm dead and gone
You will always be my only one, my only one
When the night is calling
No matter who I become
You will always be my only one, my only one, my only one
When the night is calling

The unrelenting parade of atrocity that was Anno Domini 2015 is finally behind us, and so is whatever small spark of joy that we could scrape together over Christmas. It's all downhill from here as we face at the least another four years of Tory government, who are buoyed by a virulently anti-Corbyn press. Who also love nothing more than hacking murdered teenager's mobile phones and make an enormous brouhaha about the country letting in a handful of poor bastards fleeing the wartorn hellscape that is Syria/Libya/Pick shithole of your choice here.

But all is not lost! After a rousing and rigorous debate in the Houses of Parliament, our wise government has decided to tackle the existential threat that is Islamic State by sending a handful of planes into Syria. We in UKMT broadly agreed with this course of action, swayed by the reasoning that if the refugees are fleeing bombs and terror, raining bombs and terror on everyone will stabilize the region, and that such notions as "having a strategy before commencing bombing" would only mean the terrorists win.

The Wise Patriarch of the British Nation

:siren:

The biggest news of the year was probably the UK General Elections, which saw the pollsters pretty much cock everything up spectacularly. Going into the election most people believed then-Labour leader Ed Miliband had a decent shot at becoming PM. The morning after, Labour had been handed a pretty brutal drubbing whilst the pro-apartheid Conservative Party had enough seats to form a government with no need to enter into a second coalition with the Liberal Democrats.

Because the Liberal Democrats got loving dunked on.

The bloodbath saw the Lib Dems go from 57 seats and a position in the Tory-Lib Dem coalition government to a hilariously pathetic 8 seats. This bloodbath was even greater than many predicted. The primary reason is widely accepted to be because they reneged on the central promise to their core voters - that they would vote against tuition fee rises for uni students. Shortly after getting into government they supported tuition fee rises. As a result they went from being a strong and seemingly ascendant third party to an utterly irrelevant position. They also got only about 2/3 of the votes UKIP did, but thanks to the entirely fair and level-headed First Past The Post voting system, they got eight seats while UKIP got one.

The other big election night story was north of the border, in the mysterious and foreboding realm of the Scots. Capitalizing on both the Lib Dem's collapse, and the revelation that England didn't mean all those nice things said about Scotland during the 2014 Referendum, the Scottish National Party took the place of third party by number of MPs.

Just to clarify this for you all;

SNP: 1,454,436 votes, 56 MPs.
Liberal Democrats: 2,415,862 votes, 8 MPs.
UKIP: 3,881,099 votes, 1 MP.
Green Party: 1,157,613 votes, 1 MP.

The system works.

:siren:

In the aftermath of all this, Miliband resigned and a leadership contest in the Labour Party was held. There were three contenders for the throne; Blairite wind sock Yvette Cooper, Blairite weather vane Andy Burnham, and Blairite e-mail author Liz Kendall. A few in the party thought the debate might be healthier with a different viewpoint being involved, so another person ended up in the running for the role - Jeremy Corbyn.

The Great Red Hope

Veteran socialist democrat Corbyn was not going to win, obviously, he wasn't in the running - but it's healthy to have a robust exchange of differing viewpoints and make sure the members feel they are being heard.

Jezza proceeded to stomp the competition into the god drat ground winning the first round of voting with 59.5%, meaning no further rounds were needed. A large part of this came from members who joined the party for a nominal fee specifically to vote for Corbyn, which the PLP establishment took as a sign that they should completely ignore it all and try to knife Corbyn in the back, whilst pursuing the same electoral strategies and policies that just lost Ed Miliband the election.

:siren:

Other Events Occurred

Some other stuff happened too last year, among them highlights such as:

Jeremy Clarkson decking an Irish fella and finally getting the boot from Top Gear. He and his mates then secure an enormous deal to make basically the same show for another channel.
Ongoing investigations have revealed that basically every member of the British political and media establishment during the 70s and 80s was a nonce. None moreso than Jimmy Savile, who used his position as celebrity and philanthropist to gain access to a vast number of people to abuse. Former PM Ted Heath is also implicated.
Half the country ended up underwater at year's end.
The House of Lords actually did something useful and threw a big spanner in the works for Gideon Osbourne's efforts to scupper tax credits. This wildly unpopular scheme was eventually dropped, but the temerity of the upper house doing their jobs and holding legislation to account has made a lot of Tories very very cross, and it may not go unpunished.
History's Greatest Monster Stephen Fry married his partner.
Leicester City FC maintains an extremely strong position in the Premier League tables, at times being the top ranked team. Dogs and cats believed to be in peace talks.
Tim Peake went to the ISS, the jammy bastard.
Absolute plonker Simon Danczuk is suspended by the Labour Party because he sent naughty texts to a young woman. Unsure whether anything actually illegal happened, but there was much rejoicing that such a pillock has shot himself in the foot.
Dreamboat Idris Elba and Greatest Son of Norn Iron Jimmy Nesbitt received OBEs.
It came to light that David Cameron hosed A Dead Pig (DCFADP). There are those who highlight that this is an unsubstantiated allegation which is yet to be proven in any way. This is a twelfth type.

Actual Quote From David Cameron, Noted Pigfucker

:siren:

Penultimately, for the sake of posterity, here are some of last year's UKMTs:

And finally, please keep these points in mind:

quote:

1. It's not a person's fault if they are poor;
2. It's not their fault if they are disabled;
3. Neo-liberalism doesn't work;
4. The Daily Mail lies (maybe even about Pig Dave and charity);
5. Neo-liberalism has never worked;
6. The British Empire was not a force for good;
7. Neo-liberalism will never work;
8. Trans people are not "men in dresses";
9. Gendered insults are not okay;
10. If something is "so gay" it had better be something that is really happy;
11. Trains are awesome;
12. The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles.

Welcome to 2016 all! :toot:

Not sure of the difference between left and right? Got you covered:

Ms Adequate fucked around with this message at 17:37 on Jan 28, 2016

# ? Jan 1, 2016 06:35

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# ? Apr 27, 2024 22:18

Kaislioc: Feb 14, 2008

2016 AD, 1 SDCFADP. Or is it more like 32 SDCFADP? I figure it would be best to get it out of the way now so we don't end up with any of the silliness the Georgian calendar had when it turned out Jesus was not actually born on 0.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 06:44

Fans: Jun 27, 2013; A reptile dysfunction

As Christians might say about Jesus Christ, it's good enough to know that it definitely happened. When it actually happened isn't that important to the fact that it definetly, 100% for sure happened and we all know it.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 06:50

Skull Servant: Oct 25, 2009

David Cameron hosed A Dead Pig

# ? Jan 1, 2016 07:04

JFairfax: Oct 23, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

happy new year motehrfuckers

it's the year of the pig fyi

# ? Jan 1, 2016 08:21

Jrbg: May 20, 2014

FYI to post in the thread, you need to recite the Porcine Creed to demonstrate your Correctness.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 08:43

Verizian: Dec 18, 2004; The spiky one.

No tribute to Lemmy in the new OP?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h45WnW0ASFY

# ? Jan 1, 2016 10:10

Manic_Misanthrope: Jul 1, 2010

Well that was a poo poo year.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 10:40

Brown Moses: Feb 22, 2002

Manic_Misanthrope posted:

Well that was a poo poo year.

Good start to the year though, 10 hours past and no horrific terrorist acts.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 10:55

Jedit: Dec 10, 2011; Proudly supporting vanilla legends 1994-2014

Brown Moses posted:

Good start to the year though, 10 hours past and no horrific terrorist acts.

They were planned in Belgium and Germany.

Meanwhile, down in the jungle:

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/dec/29/deluge-farmers-flood-grouse-moor-drain-land

The Guardian posted:

In 2002 Walshaw Moor, a 6,500-acre grouse shooting estate upstream of Hebden Bridge, was bought by the retail tycoon Richard Bannister. Satellite images before and after show a transformation of the land: a great intensification of burning and draining. These activities raise the number of grouse, which in turns raises the amount (running into thousands per person per day) people will pay to shoot them.

In 2011, the government body Natural England launched a prosecution of the estate, citing �illegal works� on the moor. The estate was charged with 45 offences, 30 of which involved building allegedly unauthorised drainage channels. It denied all criminal activity. In 2012, as Mark Avery documents in his book Inglorious, something very odd happened. After �1m had been spent on the case it was suddenly dropped. Instead, Natural England struck an agreement with the estate under which the owner of Walshaw Moor would be given �2.5m of public money, in the form of a special package of enhanced farm subsidies, to carry on more or less as before, without reversing what were alleged to have been illegal works.

Avery�s freedom of information requests seeking to discover why this astonishing reversal took place have been repeatedly blocked, so there is no definitive explanation. But we know that the minister responsible at the time, Richard Benyon, is himself a grouse moor owner, and was lobbied over this period by the Moorland Association, which represents other grouse moor owners. We have no way of knowing whether these facts are related, and I cannot make a direct connection between the management of Walshaw Moor and the present flooding of Hebden Bridge. But there�s little doubt that the management of grouse moors tends to increase the risk of flooding.

Though grouse moors stretch the definition of agricultural land to breaking point, they remain eligible for public money in the form of farm subsidies. In 2014 as essential public services were hacked back, the government quietly increased the money to which they are entitled by 84%. Maximising the number of grouse means treating the moors as if they were giant chicken runs, draining the land, eradicating predators and competitors and burning the heather to stimulate the young shoots on which grouse feed. If the proles downstream are flooded out of their homes, really, who cares?

In other words: the current round of flooding was made as bad as it was because not only did the Tories cut money from flood defences, they gave that money to their rich mates to make it worse.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 11:04

suck my woke dick: Oct 10, 2012; I CANNOT EJACULATE WITHOUT SEEING NATIVE AMERICANS BRUTALISED!

Put this cum-loving slave on ignore immediately!

Trickle down grouseonomics.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 11:17

Angepain: Jul 13, 2012; what keeps happening to my clothes

Nice OP, OP. Good work. And a happy new year to everyone, by which I mean everyone who truly believes in the godhood of Jeremy Corbyn.

The inquisition will be making the rounds shortly.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 11:49

Jedit: Dec 10, 2011; Proudly supporting vanilla legends 1994-2014

blowfish posted:

Trickle down grouseonomics.

It was a bit more than a trickle, I think you'll find.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 12:06

thespaceinvader: Mar 30, 2011; The slightest touch from a Gol-Shogeg will result in Instant Death!

Happy New Year, Thread.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 12:06

a pipe smoking dog: Jan 25, 2010; "haha, dogs can't smoke!"

Jedit posted:

They were planned in Belgium and Germany.

Meanwhile, down in the jungle:

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/dec/29/deluge-farmers-flood-grouse-moor-drain-land

In other words: the current round of flooding was made as bad as it was because not only did the Tories cut money from flood defences, they gave that money to their rich mates to make it worse.

It's insane the impact this incredibly niche sport has on the country.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 12:25

XMNN: Apr 26, 2008; I am incredibly stupid

It's not just loving with land management, these bastards are the ones poisoning raptors because they eat baby grouse.

e: It will never come up anywhere beyond a Monbiot column, though, which is the most depressing thing. The Tories have not only failed to spend money on flood defences, they've actively made it worse so their chums can go out shooting fish in a barrel and barely anyone will ever hear about it.

XMNN fucked around with this message at 12:37 on Jan 1, 2016

# ? Jan 1, 2016 12:34

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

no poll in the op smh

# ? Jan 1, 2016 12:42

Sentinel Red: Nov 13, 2007; Style > Content.

poo poo, tired OP with all the usual bollocks but then again it's almost certainly going to be another poo poo, tired year full of the usual bollocks so at least it's appropriate.

Happy New Year. Here's hoping for a meteor shower on Parliament when a vote on MP's pay comes up again.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 13:13

Blue Star Error: Jun 11, 2001; For this recipie you will need:
Football match (Halftime of), Celebrity Owner (Motivational speaking of), Sherry (Bottle of)

I disagree with 3 of the 12 points in the OP but I'll never reveal which ones

# ? Jan 1, 2016 13:52

Ichabod Sexbeast: Dec 5, 2011; Giving 'em the old razzle-dazzle

Arm the grouse

# ? Jan 1, 2016 13:58

Renaissance Robot: Oct 10, 2010; Bite my furry metal ass

a pipe smoking dog posted:

It's insane the impact this incredibly niche sport has on the country.

Niche? I'll think you'll find it represents millions of pounds of economic activity! :wotwot:

# ? Jan 1, 2016 14:02

Boing: Jul 12, 2005; trapped in custom title factory, send help

I hear Tim Peake went to ISIS. When will those fascists stop grooming our vulnerable populace and turning them toward radical Islam?

# ? Jan 1, 2016 14:07

WastedJoker: Oct 29, 2011; Fiery the angels fell. Deep thunder rolled around their shoulders... burning with the fires of Orc.

but but but...it's tradition :gary:

# ? Jan 1, 2016 14:16

Namtab: Feb 22, 2010

Blue Star Error posted:

I disagree with 3 of the 12 points in the OP but I'll never reveal which ones

Neo-liberalism is good, imo.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 14:22

Party Boat: Nov 1, 2007; where did that other dog come from

who is he

Blue Star Error posted:

I disagree with 3 of the 12 points in the OP but I'll never reveal which ones

I disagree with 8, trans people can be men in dresses if they want.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 14:23

Wistful of Dollars: Aug 25, 2009

Shame about the Empire.

Ah well, maybe it'll be back next year.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 14:23

Poison Jam: Mar 29, 2009; Shh...
We're being watched.

Happy new year everybody. Here's looking forward to full communism in 2016 :gbsmith:

# ? Jan 1, 2016 14:24

AceClown: Sep 11, 2005

See Eddie Izzard for man in a dress.

Also giant crumpets for best invention of 2015 please

Also what toppings do you lot like on your crumpets? :canofworms:

# ? Jan 1, 2016 14:32

JFairfax: Oct 23, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

I think people in Norfolk would be inherently distrustful of trains

# ? Jan 1, 2016 14:35

Lord of the Llamas: Jul 9, 2002; EULER'VE TO SEE IT VENN SOMEONE CALLS IT THE WRONG THING AND PROVOKES MY WRATH

I had a roast beef dinner straight after midnight. It was glorious.

Anyway we should really address the important issues this year.

What's UKMT position on Twiglets?

# ? Jan 1, 2016 14:39

EvilGenius: May 2, 2006; Death to the Black Eyed Peas

I'll eat them if they're there. poo poo I'll eat the whole tube, cos they're morish. But I wouldn't buy them.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 14:50

Darth Walrus: Feb 13, 2012

Namtab posted:

Neo-liberalism is good, imo.

Why is neo-liberalism good, iyo?

# ? Jan 1, 2016 14:51

suck my woke dick: Oct 10, 2012; I CANNOT EJACULATE WITHOUT SEEING NATIVE AMERICANS BRUTALISED!

Put this cum-loving slave on ignore immediately!

Blue Star Error posted:

I disagree with 3 of the 12 points in the OP but I'll never reveal which ones

that list is really gay isn't it

# ? Jan 1, 2016 14:55

Zephro: Nov 23, 2000; I suppose I could part with one and still be feared...

AceClown posted:

Also what toppings do you lot like on your crumpets? :canofworms:

Vegemite, best yeast-derived spreadable condiment

# ? Jan 1, 2016 14:56

Guavanaut: Nov 27, 2009; Looking At Them Tittys
1969 - 1998; Toilet Rascal

Blue Star Error posted:

I disagree with 3 of the 12 points in the OP but I'll never reveal which ones

Trans people can be men in dresses if they identify as men and wear dresses.
Gendered insults are okay in some limited circumstances, such as Jamie Oliver (he's a oval office).
There are plenty of associations with 'Gay' in their name that aren't especially happy.

That's all I got.

Ichabod Sexbeast posted:

Arm the grouse

Arm the pheasants and workers.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 15:04

forkboy84: Jun 13, 2012; Corgis love bread. And Puro

We're British, oval office isn't a gendered insult here.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 15:05

Darth Walrus: Feb 13, 2012

Guavanaut posted:

Trans people can be men in dresses if they identify as men and wear dresses.
Gendered insults are okay in some limited circumstances, such as Jamie Oliver (he's a oval office).
There are plenty of associations with 'Gay' in their name that aren't especially happy.

That's all I got.

Arm the pheasants and workers.

There are some trains that are less than awesome. Particularly when someone's two-year-old has repeatedly vomited all over the carriage.

# ? Jan 1, 2016 15:07