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crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

All the judges this week:

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newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Crit of Heel Turn by my SPORTS opponent WeLandedOnTheMoon!

Character development
It is hard to write a story in 1200 words that contains a full fledged character arc, but this story managed a very satisfying one. This was helped by a structure which really worked with the superhero/pro wrestler theme: 1. origin story 2. internal struggle with power 3. paying a price for taking the heroic way.
This was the best aspect of the story, and what really made it pop.

Prose
The style was clear, simple, and nicely paced. There was one sentence that I had to reread a few times (the ink used to sign the document, smudgable and signed by José “Rabid” Rios, the head of the Olympic Professional Wrestling Federation) but otherwise there were no noticeable errors. On the other hand there was no passage that especially blew me away, but I don't think pretty writing was really the point here.
This style lent itself especially well to the fight, which was easy to follow.

Theme
I understood the parallels between superheros and wrestling, but I feel like with an extra paragraph or two in either the first or middle part you really could have made this link more explicit. I think that it's difficult when drawing parallels between two things that are so similar to make them comment on each other in a meaningful way. That said it wasn't necessary as it still worked, but I think it was really close to being all tied up in a really neat way, but didn't quite make it.

Tone
There was some weird/interesting stuff going on with the tone. I kind of feel like the Olympic stuff was almost irrelevant to the rest of the story, and took it from something that was mainly serious into a kooky spec-fic sort of place where it didn't need to be.
I'm not sure the tonal change between the first part and the italicized background info was bad per se, but it was definitely jarring. Maybe taking it out of the "Syrena" universe would allow you a little more freedom to make it work?

Overall
This was definitely a well above average TD story, that wasn't painful to read in the slightest. The fully realized character arc is what drew me into the story, and I wasn't disappointed when I got to the satisfying ending. Well done, honourable foe.

God Over Djinn
Jan 17, 2005

onwards and upwards


.

God Over Djinn fucked around with this message at Feb 1, 2016 around 06:00

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

Prooooompt!

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why didn't you invest in
Thunderdome?


BEST COACH
BEST PLAYERS
BEST TEAM

OCK

#MermenTearsMakeOceansSalty

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008




Uh... next prompt, please!

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER



Week CLXXXII: Domegrassi

I don’t know about y’all, but I loved all the saltiness and whining that came after last week’s deadline. And by “loved”, I mean “was completely disgusted by”. “Waaaaaaah I didn’t win my braaaaaaawl you dumb judges didn’t get my stoooooooryyyyy I’m going to spend all these words on Monday afternoon complaining when I could’ve used half of those words on Sunday to not poo poo the bed half as hard”.

You sniveling little fucks belong in junior high school.

So that’s exactly where we’re going.



Welcome to Domegrassi Junior High School, a modest-but-large educational institution in the heart of America Town, America.

Reminiscent of Voidmart Week, all of your stories will take place inside or around Domegrassi Junior High. You can be a teacher, a student, a lunchlady, a secretary, the delinquent smoking cigarettes under the bleachers, whoever, just so long as your story takes place in the same shared universe.

Three roles are restricted to a single story, however.

They are: The Principal, The Vice Principal…and The Janitor. First come-first served.

Wordcount: 1300
Signup deadline: 2359 PST, Friday, January 29
Submissions deadline: 2359 EST, Sunday, January 31
No: fanfic, nonfic, erotica

Judges
Ironic Twist
Sitting Here
curlingiron


Snot-Nosed Punks
Killer-of-Lawyers
BlueWher (Janitor)
WeLandedOnTheMoon
Grizzled Patriarch
Wangless Wonder
God Over Djinn
Broenheim (Principal)
Bleusman
newtestleper
Thranguy
Pantothenate
Phobia
Bad Seafood
spectres of autism
kurona_bright
Titus82
Boaz-Jachim
Ceighk
docbeard
Tyrannosaurus

Ironic Twist fucked around with this message at Jan 29, 2016 around 23:01

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In.

Blue Wher
Apr 27, 2010

"Dear Strong Feraligatr,

How do you read Pelipper mail with such big, meaty claws on?

Axew,
Post Town, Canada"

In, and I'll take the janitor

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


Are you open to other roles as well? I would like to sign up as a maintence/repair person. Not sure if that is too much overlap with janitor for your liking.

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




Yeah alright, I'm In.

Wangless Wonder
May 27, 2009


i'm in

God Over Djinn
Jan 17, 2005

onwards and upwards


.

God Over Djinn fucked around with this message at Feb 1, 2016 around 06:01

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


hi this is principal broenheim here i hope all you little shits stop being bad thanks

flerp fucked around with this message at Jan 26, 2016 around 17:40

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


I'm in.

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER



WeLandedOnTheMoon! posted:

Are you open to other roles as well? I would like to sign up as a maintence/repair person. Not sure if that is too much overlap with janitor for your liking.

Sure, go for it

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


In

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

In

Pantothenate
Nov 26, 2005

This is an art gallery, my friend--and this is art.

I'm with the in crowd. Just like in real junior high! Now let's go play some football and give the head cheerleader my letterman jacket while playing chicky up at makeout point, just like the golden days.

(I never went to junior high.)

Can we be assigned professions/social roles for bonus points?

Phobia
Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
MIAMI MUTILATOR
and the deranged degenerates who only want their
15 MINUTES OF FAME.


OCK.


Awight, I'm in to relive my goth phase (my fictitious goth phase).

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Maybe this time around you'll be better at turning in your homewfirstcricketmatchofthesesaonork.

EDIT: I will be writing about the Domegrassi film club, which is a wholly separate institution from the Domegrassi movie club. The movie club watches movies, the film club makes them - or tries to. They've got some retention issues though and a very particular reputation around campus with a specific membership, so please contact me if you're gonna invoke them in any way just so we don't contradict each other.

Somebody else can do the movie club. The film club doesn't like the movie club.

Bad Seafood fucked around with this message at Jan 26, 2016 around 21:14

SadisTech
Jun 26, 2013

Clem.


Is the third judge spot filled yet? I'm keen to help if not.

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER



SadisTech posted:

Is the third judge spot filled yet? I'm keen to help if not.

I appreciate you stepping forward, but curlingiron volunteered as well, and we're thinking of doing the livecrits again. Thanks anyway, though!

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

ATTN STUDENTS:

Everyone loves extra credit. For you overachievers, I am offering the opportunity to scrounge up a few more words, courtesy of the school lost and found.

For 50 extra words, I will assign you a junior high school stereotype.

For 100 extra words, I will assign you some junior high drama.

You can accept both and get 150 words if you're some sort of tryhard or something I guess.

Most of these will be student stereotypes/drama, but you can still write about faculty members. My flashrule just needs to play a key part in your story.

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


I'll take some drama, SH.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


brawl story

734 words

All Eyes Looking Away

The whole court’s eyes were all looking at Dave Hanson, the top prosecutor in the state. He was wearing this bright purple shirt, wrapped around his body like a cocoon. Sweat dripped down my brow and for the first time, I was happy no one was looking at me.

“Surely,” he said, standing up in his bench like a beacon.“You’re not insinuating that this good officer is a liar?” His voice floating in the room, filling it up completely.

“Of course not,” I said, trying to get my voice echo like his did. It didn’t, and the judge, the jury, even the witness, all of them didn’t even me standing there in the center.

He smirked and then leaned over the desk. The whites of his eyes glistened and I just couldn’t look away. I opened my mouth, and he tilted his head like he was ready for me to speak, but I kept staring. Then, he smiled, and I heard the whole jury shift in their seats and waited for him to say something.

I took the chance to turn around and rub the sweat from my forehead. It was over, nobody would ever hear me when he started talking, and he was rearing up for a speech. Even if I objected, it didn’t matter, the words still dripped into the jury’s mind and I couldn’t get rid of those.

“You see, my colleague is trying to besmirch this good man’s name,” he started. “And, I don’t know about you folks, but I wouldn’t…”

“Stop,” I said, not even sure if my voice was loud enough, but he did. I turned around. He cocked his head like a terrier, waiting for me to say something. “That’s what I’m saying.”

The courtroom went silent and he blinked his eyes a couple times. His cheeks moved up, like he was digging his tongue around his mouth to find the words. Then, he sat down.

“Can I continue?” I asked him. I was in the middle, staring at him, with everyone else staring at me. The sweat pooled in my eyebrows.

“Please,” he said, lips straight. Then, he grinned and leaned back in his chair.

#

I didn’t win. When the judge read the results, I looked away. I knew they were all looking at him, in that purple suit, like he was some kind of marvel.

I left. Nobody was looking at me. They never did. Even in the center, when everything should be on me, they looked at that purple suit and nodded their heads.

“Hey,” a voice called out when I was walking through the parking lot. Dave’s. I turned back, saw him, then kept walking away.

“I saw you crying,” he said.

I rubbed my eyes, wet, cold. Nobody said anything. Nobody ever noticed.

“I’m not,” I said.

“It’s nothing personal,” he said, and even though his voice echoed louder in the lot, it was softer.

I stopped, and looked down at the key jutting in between my fingers. He put his hand on my shoulder and I could feel him grinning. Grinning like he was playing the juror, grinning because he knew he’d win.

Then I turned.

He was grinning, but it wasn’t wide or open or sparkling. His eyes were darker and there were bags under them. He nodded, and I wiped the tears out of my eyes once again.

“You did pretty good,” he said.

I wasn’t crying because I lost. I knew I was going to lose. Babies cry because they need something. When I stand up and look out at the whole court, that’s all I need. All those eyes should be on me, every one of my words bouncing off the walls, filling the room with me. I don’t need to cry up front.

Nobody says anything to the loser. You just walk away, trying to keep your head up like it doesn’t matter. There’s no one looking at you ‘cause they’re all looking at someone else. Maybe if you cry, they’ll look. They’ll say it’s alright.

It is, because they see you. Even if you're lying, even if you cry and you don’t mean it, they see you. Even Dave, the one who won, he’ll see you. Even if he thinks you're crying because you lost. Even if he doesn't know you're nothing when no one's looking at you.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Bleusman posted:

I'll take some drama, SH.

So like what if you let a friend borrow a textbook, and the next day you find it vandalized and left in a toilet????

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011



Bad Seafood posted:

Somebody else can do the movie club. The film club doesn't like the movie club.

im doing movie club. im a try hard

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

spectres of autism posted:

im doing movie club. im a try hard

Stereotype: Punk

Drama: So like what if your friend was trying to convince you they could see ghosts????

Blue Wher
Apr 27, 2010

"Dear Strong Feraligatr,

How do you read Pelipper mail with such big, meaty claws on?

Axew,
Post Town, Canada"

Incomplete crits for Week 141: https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

Take this newbie's advice with a grain of salt, because noob

kurona_bright
Mar 21, 2013


Thanks for the crit, Wher!

Also, I'm a drama king. Fuckin' bow, assholes.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

kurona_bright posted:

Thanks for the crit, Wher!

Also, I'm a drama king. Fuckin' bow, assholes.

Ok so like, what if your friends won't stop playing cruel jokes on the school's most awkward teacher???????

Siddhartha Glutamate
Oct 3, 2005


I'm in like Flynn.

And SH? Hit me for the max!

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Titus82 posted:

I'm in like Flynn.

And SH? Hit me for the max!

Stereotype: The artsy kid

Drama: Um I guess someone keeps leaving weird notes in your locker?

Pantothenate
Nov 26, 2005

This is an art gallery, my friend--and this is art.

Sitting Here posted:

You can accept both and get 150 words if you're some sort of tryhard or something I guess.

You can't fail hard unless you try hard.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


computer about to die but whatever here is crits

crabrock
this wasn’t a bad story. the tone stayed consistent (besides a random poo poo or gently caress put in because you can’t help yourself), and it was cute, but you were against mojo who wrote an adult story. You wrote a good children’s story, but the thing is is that it’s a children story. Mojo wrote an adult story that was also good. cute can only go so far, especially when that’s mostly all you got.

why you lost: you were a ten year old trying to race a twenty year old.

sebmojo
this had some good pacing, good character who wasn’t likable, and a story that worked for me. the ending’s vagueness left me wondering like “wtf did she say?” i’m not sure what happened there and it’s just so weird. that last paragraph is baller imo, and this was just a strong story that didn’t pull any punches and went hard and strong. it just lacks that something strong that makes me think it’s saying more than what it is. some kind of underlying theme that brings it all together for me.

why you won: because you wrote a gritty strong story with a good character.

Entenzahn
this was discussed in live crits, and honestly, I don’t have much else to say here. the tonal shift was too jarring and I needed some more connection between those two idea. just, that tonal whiplash is just so jarring that ugh. there’s something cool in here, of his perception of himself and how his family views him and how everyone else views him, but it’s muddied and doesn’t work and feel fully fleshed out.

why you lost: you slammed your monster truck story into a family drama story and killed your story.

Grizzled Patriach
once again, live crits and I don’t have much else to say. That first scene is so focused on the narrator that it doesn’t work with the whole coach stuff. You hit on an emotional level and YOU HAD AN ENDING . just, please dont think you didnt get an HM or win that you should stop writing endings, just, you know, dont have a beginning that wastes my time.

why you won: you had an ending

Pham Nuwen
I will say, I was a bit afraid to truly express what I thought about this in live crits. It’s difficult, especially when youre tired and it’s hard to just articulate simple basic ideas why I didn’t like this story that much. Like I said, the noir voice shifts between what feels like a parody and feels like an actual noir voice. It doesn’t work if you go inbetween. It just, doesn’t. Noir in wizard duels is fun and funny, but that’s about it. That’s the major issue. Your character is blank and uninteresting and after a while, wizard noir just gets kind of plain and boring. There needed to be something more to it then just wizard noir.

why you lost: you got too enamored with your idea that you forgot that it doesn’t prop up your entire story.

Titus82
This was a drat good story. Yes, it had dogs, but it had a good dog. But it also was well paced, had emotions to it, had characters, and worked well. It was sweet and an easy read. I’m sure you got some help with it, but whatever they did, keep that advice in the back of your mind because it made your story better than most everyone elses. I wanted to HM this a bit, but you were on the losing team. Sorry about that.

why you won: because you wrote about a good dog and a good person and a good story.

Ceighk
this story, tonally, is all over the place. The narrator is like a kind of dark little girl, but there’s one line that stands out to me. “Trapped inside, their tails got matted with compost and blood and poo poo and fused together like the hub of a wheel.” that line threw me off completely tonally. your character’s attitudes and interests are articulated well, but the tone wavers so much that it becomes difficult to pinpoint exactly what it is you’re trying to do. like, it’s a little kid with a darker mind set, which can work because some kids are dark, but it’s almost too dark, like it doesn’t quite work.

why you won: you wrote a character who was more interesting.

c7ty1

Man, don’t go wrong, I love me some esports and I wanted this to be good, but it was just so boring. nothing was happening and i didnt care and your character was so boring. like, there was no interest for me in this aging guy who’s a failure. it’s just, ugh. and tetris man? really? competitive tetris? there’s like so many better ones, like fighting games, or smash brothers, or starcraft, or hearthstone, or like, something that has like action in it or idk, wasnt tetris???

why you lost: you bored me.

kurona_bright
idk, this one is ok, it’s just, not much else to it. the motivation is a bet to prove herself, which is kind of lame, and i dont quite feel like i get the relationship that the protag and the other girl have. this was just very plain that it had too much of SPORTS and not enough of actual things i care about like characters and people doing things, imo.

why you won: your ending felt more deserved

fuschia tude
that ending was stupid man. you put raoul in for like a line, and then all of a sudden, here’s there at the end at that’s her reward!!!!! god damnit wtf. thats like 1) the most cliche kind of ending and 2) completely and utterly out of nowhere that the reader does not care. most of the story seemed about how important the sport was to the girl, which I was kind of feeling, but there was just so much nothing in this story. there was no overarching theme that connected everything, it was just things happening without any in particular linking them together that made me think “yes, I know what this story is trying to say.” i dont know what this story is trying to say, it’s just all over the place.

why you lost: you weren’t sure what to do.

spectres of autism

man, I love you. I love how big you think, I love how you don’t let those things keep you down, and I hate having to say this because I don’t want to, but you gotta try to go smaller. That’s not because it’s a bad thing to go big (because it most certainly is a good thing), but it’s because I feel that you, as a writer, have an issue with clarity. like I said in the live crits, you have an issue of translating your ideas from your mind to the page. that’s why I think you should trying to pare down your ideas, focus on human aspects of life, because those kind of things ground us into stories. like in this story, there’s so many nebulous words and ideas that I’m just lost. There’s some kind of human emotions but they need to be made more clear. It’s good that you have these big ideas, because one thing people can’t teach is creativity. But we can teach you how to be clear, but you also need to learn how to write clearly. That requires practice, and I think it’s important to start small, to try to see how humans feel and interact, and when you get that down, you have real people and characters in your big ideas which will make readers say “wow” instead of “huh?”

why you lost: lack of clarity

Bad Seafood
when I talk about an earned ending, this is the story that comes to mind. even though it’s clear what’s going to happen, both based on what’s happened in the story and the rest of the stories, it doesn’t matter because that’s not the point. you may have a bit too many characters, but I still liked this story because it was fun, people wanted things, and the characters interacted with each other very nicely. this was a well written fun story about a weird sport that was more than just the sport, but also about how characters care about sports and what the sports mean.

why you won: characters who did things and an ending that made me think “yep, that’s exactly what it should’ve been”

Wangless Wonder
We talked about this in livecrits, and I think the major point I have is that the ending doesn’t make sense. I don’t get why the son all of a sudden wants to do something for his dad. There’s no reconnection that occurs in the story that it feels fake and forced that the character just thinks “now I’ll do what my dad says even though he’s wrong.”

why you lost: a fake feeling ending and poor pacing.

D.O.G.O.G.B.Y.N.
I’ll be the first to say idgi. I went into judge chat and they were like “this guy is getting a mention because it was the second best” and im like uhhhhh ok? like, i guess you described the jazz conflict kind of well. it didnt make sense to me, like were they cooperating or attacking each other, or why were they helping each other? that doesnt make any sense from a jazz duel kind of thing, or maybe I don’t know those things well but that it’s weird. Also, the whole Syrena Typhon or whatever is like an anime name for a jazz techinique which is just kind of lol. I just didn’t really feel the character in this story I guess. oh yeah and there was that section about what was happening in little rock but idk, that didnt really make sense to me. like, I legit forgot about that. i just, idk, this didn’t leave anything for me.

why you won: it was alright and had some interesting stuff and decent writing

Thranguy
we did this in live crits and this was the martian triathlon and idk, that’s about all I have to say. there’s just not that much there in general, so there’s not much to talk about imo.

why you lost: you didnt really have any substance

Pantothenate
this was a match up I left blank because I really don’t know. I thought this story was overall better than thranguy’s but the ending was so dark and nonsensical and it just didn’t work. that section where theyre talking is pretty good but the big issue is simply that ending, it’s just out of nowhere, unnecessarily violent that it almost made me think of Benny when you wrote that. I guess, at the end of the day, you had a character and things were happening kind of and it wasnt just a dumb sport thing.

why you won: there was a character despite the bad ending.

Ironic Twist

I know my judges, Djinn’s too nice and she’ll probably say “oh I can’t think of anything bad to say” and wher is a baby judge, so I’m going to go ahead and tell you that you hosed up. You did. You made a lot of stupid mistakes because idk. maybe it’s because your an idiot? that’s probably it.

ok, you remember when I was talking about spectre’s story on live crits, and how I said having a final scene with a character that we have never seen or known about is all of a sudden is your focus and how i said that would never work? Hey guess what, it didn’t work for you either. What a loving surprise, it’s almost like it’s a thing you shouldn’t do in your story because it’s stupid. now, this was better then spectres because you actually set up a relationship that the earlier story had with rather than another random character, but it was still stupid because I don’t know who that character. He was also a dick for some reason, and im like wtf why are you now writing a lovely character who i dont know. jesus, that was an idiotic idea. gently caress you even have him in the first paragraph he’s introduced twirling his hair and you dont even say it’s red? christ, that’s like aggressively dumb.

you know what else is stupid, hiding the motivation of your character! also, hiding it so you can have a twist ending (gotta keep that namesake I guess). look, I sympathized with your character because he was the underdog trying to win a competition. but now twist, let’s compare things. “guy wants to win a competition to prove himself” vs. “guy wants to win a competition because it means he’ll be able to send a letter to his brother he hasn’t seen since a war has torn them apart.” now tell me, which one makes you care more? the first one’s alright, but the second one is way better, way more sympathetic, and way more interesting. but for some reason (probably because you’re an idiot) you though “nah, i’ll hide that satisfying information to my reader that makes my main character more sympathetic and makes it understood why it’s so important that my character achieves what he wants.”

You also have clarity issues and things that don’t make sense. The red hair doesnt make sense until the end of the story because… there needed to be a twist? apparently you can put words in seashells for some reason? they were mermaids because… you were fighting against mermaids? those are all stupid reasons. also, for some reason, the war causes these two sides to be so far apart, but apparently like no birds besides like a few can make it to the other side, so like, how did they ever send them in the first place.

You wrote good twist, but you were also an idiot and that bogs down the story. you make a lot of stupid mistakes either out of stubbornness, stupidity, or to prove that you could. it turns out, mistakes hurt your story. so maybe dont do that, thanks.

why you won: you wrote the best story even though you really didnt want to apparently.

Sitting Here
you know what sh, im gonna say it - I liked this and this couldve beaten twist’s on a different day. this was fun, and good, and clear, with characters and motivations, and the interactions between the characters had that nuance that I want with my characters. Just because theyre teammates and friends doesnt mean they dont antagonize each other and I liked those interactions. there’s really not that much wrong with this story, I just think that twist’s just stood out from the rest of the stories, but you should still be happy with this because this is still strong.

why you lost: i was trying to keep this focused on what you personally did wrong, but in this match up, it was mostly just that twist scratched our more literary itch this week.

Newtestleper
we talked about this in live crit and imo, that’s most of what needs to be said. i didnt really particular enjoy this because it’s a very strange story. it just lacks the cohesion to link between all the other aspects.

why you lost: too much going on that felt disconnected.

WeLandedOnTheMoon!
Man, moony, I love this story so much idk why. I liked the characters, all the things made mostly sense (except the ending where the partner betrays him I think?????? idk that was kind of weird), I liked how the burn victim became a masked wrestler, because of course he would. I forgot about the heroic theme, but it’s there and while it could be played up a little bit, it’s something welcome in this story. your character is sympathetic. and man, moon, i loving love, i just love, how even in the olympics, professional wrestling is still all staged. god, that poo poo is gold. its like duh, but it owns at the same time. this was just a fun cool silly story that I enjoyed reading, probably wouldve pushed for an HM if you guys had won.

why you won: you rigged it

bleusman
Another live crit and another one that I don’t want to write another crit for, so just relisten to that. in particular, the whole “i dont rly think this character would learn something from this drunk dude.”

why you won: your opponent forfeited.

SadisTech
man, I really didn’t like this that much. It felt like grimdark hunger games, but also kind of plodding and boring. there’s a lot of world buildy nonsense about this stupid competition and then you introduce a character in the last 25% that is apparently important and so important that the protag has to sacrifice herself to stop him. Idk, nothing really happens in this story and I’m left wanting more.

why you won: there was some kind of interest in it.

KillerofLawyers

I want for you to know that is not the worst story ever, and that is not terrible. It’s not good, let me make sure that’s known, and it was the worst story this week, unfortunately. It was boring, plodding, and had the dumbest twist ending in the world. Like, seriously, lizard people? Why? Why was that necessary. Most of the story had nothing else going for it besides being competently written, but that ending just sealed the deal for me.

why you lost: the reptile brainwashed me into doing it.

curlingiron

this was perhaps the toughest match up for me. both of these were good for different reasons and the thing that led me towards yours was that I cared more for your character. she wanted something human even though she wasnt necessarily likable, and she felt human. she hurt people, but she didnt feel like she wanted to, just that she was angry or bitter, or frustrated, which is completely understandable. I would’ve liked there have to been a bit more reason to really care about the narrator, but this was still a good story.

why you won: i liked your character more

djeser
you wrote a dark horse story. you wrote it well and like I said, it was a tough match up. while yours had technical merit and made me understand (although i did not empathize) your horrible character, it left me with a poor taste in my mouth in a good way. I think the thing that killed me was the ending. It felt like it left the entire point of the story kind of moot. There’s more that would happen later in these people stories that I feel like I need to know more. The ending just kind of makes me think “and then what?”

why you lost: rushed? ending.

flerp fucked around with this message at Jan 27, 2016 around 02:32

ghost crow
Jul 9, 2015

by Nyc_Tattoo


I failed my toxx last time I entered because I am a wimp. I don't know how it works or how I report myself for banning so I can redeem myself.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

ghost crow posted:

I failed my toxx last time I entered because I am a wimp. I don't know how it works or how I report myself for banning so I can redeem myself.

it's been taken care of. make your time and come back soon.

Boaz-Jachim
Sep 20, 2015

CANERE CORAM LEONE


in, and hit me with both

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Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Boaz-Jachim posted:

in, and hit me with both

Stereotype: member of the student government

Drama: Ummmmmmmmmm so I guess your best friend said some really lovely stuff behind your back.

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