shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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cash crab: Apr 5, 2015; all the time i am eating from the trashcan. the name of this trashcan is ideology

A Classy Ghost posted:

There's some stdh, cash crab eating all that garbage in the AFP thread sober

That's why I drink.

e:

I'm sorry for all the :effort:

posts, but I hate making a new page without something

# ? Apr 28, 2016 03:32

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 06:20

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

From imgur, someone's friend works at a burger store and got this:

It could well be real but if it is the writer is probably insufferable anyway so

# ? Apr 28, 2016 03:35

AlbieQuirky: Oct 9, 2012; Just me and my 🌊dragon🐉 hanging out

I went and Googled the restaurant, and the food looked really good. gently caress you, Andy!

# ? Apr 28, 2016 04:34

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Sext

http://imgur.com/a/kSBOF

# ? Apr 28, 2016 05:17

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Star Wars

# ? Apr 28, 2016 06:38

LegalPad: Oct 23, 2013

Khazar-khum posted:

Sext

http://imgur.com/a/kSBOF

Congratulations... you passed.
I'm going to have to try that one sometime.

# ? Apr 28, 2016 06:56

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

I have serious doubts about at least half of these :

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/17-tweets-show-how-early-women-experience-sexual-harassment-and-violence_us_5716633ee4b06f35cb70be5e

# ? Apr 28, 2016 07:45

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

bringmyfishback posted:

I have serious doubts about at least half of these :

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/17-tweets-show-how-early-women-experience-sexual-harassment-and-violence_us_5716633ee4b06f35cb70be5e

These all sound realistic to me?

# ? Apr 28, 2016 10:29

Furia: Jul 26, 2015; Grimey Drawer

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

These all sound realistic to me?

You should doubt everything written on Huffpost on principle

# ? Apr 28, 2016 11:12

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

These all sound realistic to me?

Your life must be a literal hellscape of leering math teachers and groping, sweaty hands.

Fleta Mcgurn has a new favorite as of 11:31 on Apr 28, 2016

# ? Apr 28, 2016 11:25

Serene Dragon: Mar 31, 2011

bringmyfishback posted:

I have serious doubts about at least half of these :

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/17-tweets-show-how-early-women-experience-sexual-harassment-and-violence_us_5716633ee4b06f35cb70be5e

The ones about teachers I believe completely. Everyone I know remembers a teacher at their school who was totally a pedophile. We called the music department at my old school the pedo palace because of how sleazy all the male music teachers are towards young girls.

# ? Apr 28, 2016 11:32

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

Serene Dragon posted:

The ones about teachers I believe completely. Everyone I know remembers a teacher at their school who was totally a pedophile. We called the music department at my old school the pedo palace because of how sleazy all the male music teachers are towards young girls.

I don't know anyone who can remember a pedophile teacher, and I went to a Catholic school.
What the gently caress is wrong with your city? You make it sound like pedophilia is an extremely common event.

# ? Apr 28, 2016 11:37

RNG: Jul 9, 2009

Non Serviam posted:

I don't know anyone who can remember a pedophile teacher, and I went to a Catholic school.
What the gently caress is wrong with your city? You make it sound like pedophilia is an extremely common event.

In 12 years of public school we had 5 teachers/coaches fired for or convicted of molestation.

# ? Apr 28, 2016 11:51

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

RNG posted:

In 12 years of public school we had 5 teachers/coaches fired for or convicted of molestation.

Um, that is literally insane.

No, I don't believe that is normal at all.

Perhaps I was an exceptionally ugly child?

# ? Apr 28, 2016 11:53

RNG: Jul 9, 2009

bringmyfishback posted:

Um, that is literally insane.

No, I don't believe that is normal at all.

Perhaps I was an exceptionally ugly child?

A band director, two PE teachers, an afterschool activities advisor, and an English teacher.

I felt sort of bad because the advisor went after boys and had even driven me home in his van but I think I was too fat for him.

# ? Apr 28, 2016 12:00

Serene Dragon: Mar 31, 2011

Non Serviam posted:

I don't know anyone who can remember a pedophile teacher, and I went to a Catholic school.
What the gently caress is wrong with your city? You make it sound like pedophilia is an extremely common event.

Not my city alone, I meant all my friends I met at university and they span not just the whole of Britain but also a bunch of other countries too, such as Italy and Canada. You really don't remember a teacher who seemed just a little too "friendly" towards some of the younger girls or boys?

Also a man who worked as a music teacher at my secondary school for a few years was just recently convicted of having hundreds of images of child porn on his computer. So, yeah, this poo poo happens.

# ? Apr 28, 2016 12:06

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Sorry you all got molested and all your friends got molested and your dog and your goldfish also totally got molested. I would rather have sex with a pinecone than any of my students, frankly.

Here's something else:

some guy posted:

My 1997 Ford Ranger was stolen from me in 2006. It wasnt worth too much anymore, so the isnurance cut me a check for $2,000, which I graciously accepted. It wasn;t so much the loss of the CAR per se that hurt me; I had my favorite CD's in there in a small spindle case under the drivers seat, many of which were "mix tapes" from a special person, that I could never replace. No real investigation was pursued, since I live on a border town and we were pretty certain the car was being scrapped for parts.

Fast forward to 2008.

I'm driving through Texas one day, eating Oreos (becuase honestly, if you've never driven across the wide expanse of nothing that is highway 77 while eating Oreos, well, you've never lived. I came to a truck stop in a town called Riviera (a notorious speed trap), and as I was walking in to buy some milk to wash down the double-stuff with, I saw a white Ford Ranger pull up to the drive-through car wash.

The license plates were different, but I wlaked toward the car, sensing its familar energy. I watched from a safe distance.

The driver had some difficulty with the car wash machine, and went inside to get things strait.

I looked in the truck bed, and I knew when I saw the "Rick and Mel forever" keyed into the inside of the truck bed, I knew it was MY RANGER.

I had to act fast. The line isnide was long, so I had a couple of minutes.

I ran back to my car (that i was currently driving) and grabbed my bag of Oreos.

I had long ago heard the myth that if you lick the cream side of an Oreo, and stick it to a car, the paint will come off with it when the cookie comes off.

Now, I cant verify the truth of that myth, becuase I wasn't really given the chance to.

After I was done "writing" on the passenger side of the car (which I knew he was unlikely to see) I ran off and waited.

He stormed out in a gruff. Got into his (my) pickup truck, and drove off (i guess they didnt tell him he was getting his $7 back and he felt slighted.)

He drove off into the worst speed trap in ALL OF TEXAS with "STOLEN CAR: ARREST ME" written in Oreos on the passenger side of his car.

I got a call from Riviera County police a week later. My Ranger was there, waiting for me.

I went to claim it (cost a few hundy), and when I got back into it, I looked under the seat...

And found a spindle full of irreplacable CDs, waiting for me for 2 years.

Sometimes Karma is a b***h, other times, she's your best friend.

Must have had a shitton of Oreos, is all I'm saying.

# ? Apr 28, 2016 12:21

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

How hot of a pinecone are we talking here? More a 6 or a 9?

# ? Apr 28, 2016 12:28

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Fathis Munk posted:

How hot of a pinecone are we talking here? More a 6 or a 9?

y not both

get it

# ? Apr 28, 2016 12:29

Serene Dragon: Mar 31, 2011

bringmyfishback posted:

Sorry you all got molested and all your friends got molested and your dog and your goldfish also totally got molested. I would rather have sex with a pinecone than any of my students, frankly.

Oh, most teachers are like you and my mum and are not even remotely attracted to children and would rather swallow a hedgehog. And I said those teachers were pedos, not child molesters, most we know have never actually touched a child (even the teacher convicted of child porn I talked about before had never acted on his urges). It's mostly stories like how a gym teacher made my friend and all the other girls in her class run in really short skirts all year round, when the boys were able to wear anything they wanted. Or the teacher who hugs and kisses pretty 13-14 year old girls on the cheek and gives all the good roles in the school show to the girls who flirt back. Or just the occasional creepy comment, like some of those tweets. This poo poo is way more common than people think it is.

# ? Apr 28, 2016 12:45

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Please ensure that your pinecone is over the age of 16, 18, or 21, depending on your jurisdiction.

# ? Apr 28, 2016 12:46

oldpainless: Oct 30, 2009; This 📆 post brought to you by RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS👥.
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Also no alcohol in its system as well

# ? Apr 28, 2016 12:52

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

bringmyfishback posted:

Um, that is literally insane.

No, I don't believe that is normal at all.

Perhaps I was an exceptionally ugly child?

I'd wear tiny shorts and say I was anyone's for a packet of biscuits but they all only had eyes for Duncan Cooney, the doe eyed little slut.

# ? Apr 28, 2016 13:23

FAROOQ: Aug 20, 2014; by Smythe

EmmyOk posted:

Women are just stupid sluts who make up creepy pms like that for attention, I make sure to tell them that when I start sending them abuse for not responding to me on tinder. loving cuns.

If women don't want to be called out for making up bullshit, they should stop making up bullshit :shrug:

# ? Apr 28, 2016 14:07

Weatherman: Jul 30, 2003; WARBLEKLONK

FAROOQ

# ? Apr 28, 2016 14:33

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

FAROOQ posted:

If women don't want to be called out for making up bullshit, they should stop making up bullshit

Liars should be called out :agreed:

# ? Apr 28, 2016 16:32

Ytlaya: Nov 13, 2005

When I was 16 my etymology/mythology teacher told me I had "beautiful eyes" (I'm male and the teacher was a woman). It made me uncomfortable.

# ? Apr 28, 2016 19:20

Crow Jane: Oct 18, 2012; nothin' wrong with a lady drinkin' alone in her room

My AP English teacher senior year of high school always, without fail, called on me to read anything remotely sexual out loud. Poetry, plays, stories, bits from essays or novels... if it involved boning or human anatomy, I had to read it to the class. When we did Shakespeare, if there was a scene between lovers, he'd take the male role and make me read the female one, though he switched it up so I could do the "beast with two backs" bit from Othello. I definitely noticed it, and so did other people in the class, but I had him tapped to write my letters of recommendation for college, so I never did anything about it. Which probably says unpleasant things about me as well as him, tbh :smith:

# ? Apr 28, 2016 19:39

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

We had a history teacher who couldn't pronounce numbers greater than 99,999. The first time it happened she was reading about some genocide and I sat in front of her and half-whispered the number and from then on she designated me "number guy" and I had to read out all numbers greater than 99,999 we came across. So yeah we all have our burdens, some greater than others.

e: If it's not clear mine is the greater burden because I couldn't play snake on my phone in case we unexpectedly hit another human atrocity

e2: And some of those numbers were tricky even for a top-flight pro like myself

EmmyOk has a new favorite as of 20:33 on Apr 28, 2016

# ? Apr 28, 2016 19:57

davidspackage: May 16, 2007; Nap Ghost

You mean she had trouble telling apart million, billion, trillion and so on? Cause now I'm imagining you whispering "ninety-nine thousand and one." to her. :mmmhmm:

# ? Apr 28, 2016 20:30

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

I meant 99,999 :doh:

Stuff like 104,782 would give her awful trouble never mind 2,563,801

e: You can't tell but I'm absolutely crushing these out loud at home.

# ? Apr 28, 2016 20:33

Joey Freshwater: Jun 20, 2004; Always playing with my meat; Grimey Drawer

Some clickbait site posted a bunch of stdh stuff and I was reading through it and came across this:

Only registered members can see post attachments!

# ? Apr 28, 2016 21:27

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

The final link to the other gallery is quite apprope

# ? Apr 28, 2016 22:00

Solid Cake: Jan 17, 2008; TRAPPED IN QUANTUM CHOCOLATE SINGULARITY!
SEND HELP!; Pillbug

My music teacher, who was probably in his late twenties at the time, got fired for hooking up with with a student. It was a private Catholic school and we were in 8th grade at the time.

It turns out that they got married eventually and have four kids now :v:

e: just to be clear I'm not saying it's cool to bang your students

# ? Apr 28, 2016 22:14

RNG: Jul 9, 2009

Crow Jane posted:

Which probably says unpleasant things about me as well as him, tbh

Well, that's the thing about power differentials! They act like a complete jerk and somehow you're the one who feels bad.

# ? Apr 28, 2016 23:08

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

# ? Apr 28, 2016 23:19

ilysespieces: Oct 5, 2009; When life becomes too painful, sometimes it's better to just become a drunk.

One of my Facebook friends shared this post.

ilysespieces has a new favorite as of 23:24 on Apr 28, 2016

# ? Apr 28, 2016 23:19

The Modern Leper: Dec 25, 2008; You must be a masochist

ilysespieces posted:

One of my Facebook friends shared this post.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpEA7hw0KrQ

# ? Apr 28, 2016 23:39

TheMadMilkman: Dec 10, 2007

Ya, I'm not buying it...

# ? Apr 29, 2016 00:30

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 06:20

kimbo305: Jun 9, 2007; actually, yeah, I am a little mad

"I had long ago heard the myth that if you lick the cream side of an Oreo, and stick it to a car, the paint will come off with it when the cookie comes off.
Now, I cant verify the truth of that myth, becuase I wasn't really given the chance to."

But he got the truck back later? It's a weird detail to throw in because of that.

# ? Apr 29, 2016 03:23

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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