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DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

Apropos of little, I stumbled upon a Hogan vs Flair match on WWE Network set right around Undertaker's title win (it's under Old School). The ending honestly stunned me. Flair pins him! Clean! With a foreign object but still, 1 2 3 on Hulk Hogan.

Then it gets reversed into a DQ, but still

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Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009


Uh... that's not clean. Like, if he gets the pin because of the weapon, that's literally the opposite of a clean pin.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




Rarity's Bottom 5 Matches

Before we get into this one I need to say a few words. Over the course of this thread there has been a lot of godawful shite on show. If I were to make this a list of every match I hated this would go on for another twenty posts. No, to make this list a match needed to have something more. It couldn't just be bad, it needed to have some kind of interminable, undefinable property that made me angry. That's what truly defines this list, it's a collection of matches that all combined to make me rage the gently caress out.

Also, god drat was it hard to fit these ones into a final ranking. Seriously.

5. Judy Martin vs. Rockin' Robin (Royal Rumble 1989) – Ok, if we're going by pure ringwork then this match doesn't really deserve to be here. Sure, it was awkward and stilted and these women have no business in a wrestling ring but it was too short to get too offensive. But that's the problem. This was the match that signified the death of women's wrestling as a legitimate feature and thus began over twenty years of women being valued for nothing more than wank fodder and piss-breaks. So while this match means little in itself for the overall contribution it means to the feminist movement and how it pertains to professional wrestling, I despise it.
4. Jake “The Snake” Roberts vs. Rick Martel (Wrestlemania VII) – Oh man, if you'd told me going into WM7 that this match would end up on my list of worst five matches of the era I would have called you insane. There could be no way that these two talents could put on a match that wouldn't be at the very least watchable. Oh, how naïve I was. I should have learned long ago that there is no combination that is such a sure thing that Vince can't screw it up. This is all about that stipulation. That loving stipulation. Who in the hell suggested that they take two of their best workers and instead of having them put on a clinic have them spend ten minutes wandering around falling over each other in idiotic comedy slapstick? It's an experience that would be tough at the best of times. When it's combined with the massive disappointment of realising you're not seeing Jake and Martel wrestle a proper match it's infuriating.
3. Bad News Brown vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper (Wrestlemania VI) – Roddy Piper blacked up. Roddy Piper blacked up in 1990 and everyone thought this was ok. This by itself is so disgustingly awful that it almost won the Biggest Racism award from Akeem and I had to acknowledge that before I get into this because it's a big part of why this match is abysmal. However, it's not the only part. Neither Bad News or Piper were ever particularly gifted in the ring and together they combine into the dullest kind of affair. It's slow, it's repetitive and it's thoughtless. But the real problem here is the ending. What do you do when the man who won't job goes up against the man who won't put anyone over? It turns out you count them both out after they brawl up the entrance in a pointless end that makes the entire affair worthless. Enjoy being half-black for the next fortnight, Roddy.
2. Demolition and Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. The Twin Towers and Andre the Giant (Summerslam 1989) – Ok, I kinda lied. I said that all these matches had some particular hook about them that made them worthy of scorn. That's not exactly true with this one. The only thing that angers me is the fact they took six of the worst wrestlers of the era and shoved them all in a match together. You've got Bossman before he started getting good, you've got an old and decrepit Andre, you've got Hacksaw's cartoon bullshit, you've got Demolition and their inability to do more than punch and you've got loving Akeem. It's like this match was surgically designed to piss me off. I never got closer to quitting on this whole thing than I did right here.
1. The Bushwhackers vs. The Beverly Brothers (Royal Rumble 1992) Now with how strongly I felt about the six-man tag just above you have to figure than anything that can push that into second place must be absolutely diabolical. Well, you'd be right. Everything about this one is pure garbage. It lasts over fifteen minutes of which over half that runtime is people just standing around. And while the rest of the action is poo poo as well, what really takes this up to the winner level is Jamison. While the WWF has (and will continue to have) been real lovely to subgroups of people including but not limited to blacks, Asians, Latinx, women, gays, the elderly and little people nothing they've done has been as mean spirited or spiteful as their presentation of Jamison. Everything about this was loathsome and had no place on television in the 90s or any loving decade.

Most Bizarre Favourite: Lord Alfred Hayes

I'm just gonna level with you guys here, I've got no idea what happened with this one. When Alfred showed up at the first Wrestlemania he was so out of place and just plain bad at basic TV presenter skills. Then he showed up on The Wrestling Classic and spent his entire time sexually harrassing that poor blonde woman and there was that thing about him having a gigantic dick as well. He was comedy gold. Unintentionally so but still gold. So yes, I loved seeing him show up but only so I could laugh at him. Yet somewhere along the way this morphed into genuine adoration and now I let out a real life cheer every time Alfred makes an appearance. I hear his calm Estuary tones and see his awkward British demeanour and it takes me back to the calming times of my youth. What I'm saying is that if Alfred's not in the WWE Hall of Fame then that's a drat crime.

Best Dog: Matilda

Friends, I am happy to announce to you that the Rarities officially recognises that Matilda is a Good Dog who deserves lots of treats and cuddles. There was a lot of competition in this category because as we all know every dog is a Good Dog but Matilda is also the Best Dog for her commitment to being a Good Dog even against the demands of kayfabe. A lesser dog would have given in to the role of being a mean, angry beast but at Wrestlemania III on the grandest stage of them all Matilda went over to Bobby Heenan and asked for belly rubs. There can be no Better Dog than this.

Worst Career Change: The Mountie

Imagine this: you're the hot young star of one of the best up and coming tag teams in the industry. You've just moved to America like you always dreamed to chase that almighty dollar. You've got a buck fifty in your pocket and a dream in your heart. Then one day you pack it all in to go join the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. And they take everything that is good and fun and right about you and they squeeze it down and out until you're a grim and dour shadow of the man you used to be just like all the others. And you end up going through life day by day drifting along miserable and alone until you reach your deathbed and have nothing but regret for the choices you have made. Look, what I'm saying is it was better when Jacques was slapping his brother's rear end.

Biggest Racism: Akeem the African Dream

Boy oh boy, was this a competitive category! There were so many different options I could have pick to give this award to but in the end while they all made solid cases none of them could compete with the sheer offensiveness that was Akeem the African Dream. It was bad enough that to create Akeem's gimmick they mixed in a whole bunch of cultural stereotypes and then introduced him in a segment featuring an African warrior tribe dancing in a New York City slum. But what really takes this whole gimmick to the next level, what really pushes it to be the king of racist gimmicks is that they gave this one TO A WHITE DUDE. Look, you shouldn't be doing this at all but if you're going to do it you should at least let a black guy have a career opportunity. Better yet, don't do this at all!

Next Time: Best Promo, Biggest Surprise, Worst Suplex and my top 5 feuds!

Rarity fucked around with this message at Sep 9, 2018 around 05:48

Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible

Lord Al was inducted into this years Legacy wing in the Hall of Fame

DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

Hey, all that non-jobbing just made Piper getting pinned by Bret (and Flair but you didn't see that one) more special

Jason Sextro
Jul 30, 2003

Un alpha en développement depuis quatre ans? C'est incroyable!



Worst Suplex has to be Hogan's "suplex" on Virgil where he just drops him on the floor. It's jaw-dropping in its ineptness.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?


Rarity posted:

Best Dog: Matilda

Friends, I am happy to announce to you that the Rarities officially recognises that Matilda is a Good Dog who deserves lots of treats and cuddles. There was a lot of competition in this category because as we all know every dog is a Good Dog but Matilda is also the Best Dog for her commitment to being a Good Dog even against the demands of kayfabe. A lesser dog would have given in to the role of being a mean, angry beast but at Wrestlemania III on the grandest stage of them all Matilda went over to Bobby Heenan and asked for belly rubs. There can be no Better Dog than this.

Okay crisis averted, no more Comedy Gas Chamber for this thread

El Gallinero Gros
Mar 17, 2010


Jason Sextro posted:

Worst Suplex has to be Hogan's "suplex" on Virgil where he just drops him on the floor. It's jaw-dropping in its ineptness.

Hoganplex '85~!

sean10mm
Jun 29, 2005

Dispensing unwanted fitness advice since 2005. P.S. Squat more! BEEFCAKE!!!

Jason Sextro posted:

Worst Suplex has to be Hogan's "suplex" on Virgil where he just drops him on the floor. It's jaw-dropping in its ineptness.

For a while Kevin Nash would routinely do a version of the vertical suplex where he just dropped the dude like that on purpose.

Shiki Dan
Oct 27, 2010

If ya can move ya toes ya back's fine


quote:

I should have learned long ago that there is no combination that is such a sure thing that Vince can't screw it up

This is the one constant thing that is a defining feature of each era in WWF/E history.

HOW do you screw up WCW Champion Ric Flair vs WWF Champion Hulk Hogan when both men are still relatively in their prime and drawing power!?
Only if you're Vince McMahon and have a huge ego.

Shiki Dan fucked around with this message at Sep 12, 2018 around 03:57

Jason Sextro
Jul 30, 2003

Un alpha en développement depuis quatre ans? C'est incroyable!



it occurs to me, on further thought, that Worst Suplex could also be Dino Bravo's "why is this a finisher" sidewalk slam.

Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009


sean10mm posted:

For a while Kevin Nash would routinely do a version of the vertical suplex where he just dropped the dude like that on purpose.

To be fair, Pete Dunne does it on purpose as well as one of his signature spots.

DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

Yeah, but Pete Dunne's entire gimmick is "I'm an rear end in a top hat"

sean10mm
Jun 29, 2005

Dispensing unwanted fitness advice since 2005. P.S. Squat more! BEEFCAKE!!!

Jason Sextro posted:

it occurs to me, on further thought, that Worst Suplex could also be Dino Bravo's "why is this a finisher" sidewalk slam.

Eh, that might have been the LEAST crappy thing about Dino Bravo as a wrestler.

Gavok
Oct 10, 2005

Brock! Oh, man, I'm sorry about your...

...tooth?


sean10mm posted:

Eh, that might have been the LEAST crappy thing about Dino Bravo as a wrestler.

Least crappy thing about Dino Bravo is that he was in Encino Man.

DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

Doing pushups with Earthquake sitting on him was funny

sean10mm
Jun 29, 2005

Dispensing unwanted fitness advice since 2005. P.S. Squat more! BEEFCAKE!!!

I'm happy to concede those two points, which are fun things I totally forgot about.

Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible

His manager Frenchy Martin's sign "USA Is Not OK" was a good one

El Gallinero Gros
Mar 17, 2010


DeathChicken posted:

Yeah, but Pete Dunne's entire gimmick is "I'm an rear end in a top hat"

So is Nash's a lot of the time

Shiki Dan
Oct 27, 2010

If ya can move ya toes ya back's fine


So is Hogan's

Jason Sextro
Jul 30, 2003

Un alpha en développement depuis quatre ans? C'est incroyable!



Shiki Dan posted:

So is Hogan's

That's no gimmick, brother!

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




Rarity's Top 5 Feuds

5. Hulk Hogan/Randy Savage – Yes, it's a big shock right out of the gates as many people's pick for #1 feud of the era only makes it to #5 on my list. I must admit that this may come down to the manner in which I'm watching these shows. You'll notice that all of the feuds above this one received significant build on PPV whereas the key beats in this story took place off-camera so to speak. When you consider that it's actually impressive that the feud makes it as high as it does as it's almost completely based on the strength of the recap video for WM5. But even that video on its own was powerful. Seeing Savage finally crack after a year of Hulk getting under his skin was huge but what really makes it was how much it played on Savage's emotional connection to Elizabeth. His heel turn was driven by jealousy and insecurity and showed that a character who was often so larger than life was still all too human.
4. Jake “The Snake” Roberts/Randy Savage – We're jumping from one Savage feud straight into another one but this is one where he was allowed to be a lot more heroic. This feud managed to combine so many different aspects. It played on Savage and Elizabeth's romance, it gave Savage a big return to the ring, it had the intensity of the initial snakebite angle and it was a spotlight for Jake's new heel character which was an absolute revelation. There was so much going on here that even though we never got to see the big blow-off match I never really felt like we needed to. Savage winning at the end was always going to be the destination but that's far less important than the journey.
3. Ted DiBiase/Dusty Rhodes – There's no way that I could have a list of my favourite feuds without including the issues between the Million Dollar Man and the Common Man. Come on, it's right there in the title! In all of the WWF there weren't two men more suited to go against each than DiBiase and Dusty. Never has DiBiase been more despicable than the time he enticed Dusty's friend and manager into betraying her principles just because he could. This was a feud so good it convinced me to support Dusty even though I can't stand him as a wrestler. Of all the feuds on this list this is the one I'm most disappointed I missed the non-PPV story beats for because there was so much they could have done here. Even so the bits I did see made it very strong.
2. The Ultimate Warrior/Rick Rude – Friends, you had to know there was no way I could get through a list of my favourite feuds without an appearance from my boy Rick Rude. And who else could I put him up here with but the man who was his ultimate opponent. (Yes, yes, I see what I did there). This is the feud on my top 5 with the least amount of story – the only real angle involved being the kinda fun kinda dull Super Posedown – but who needs story when you can just put on awesome match after awesome match instead. Warrior and Rude never failed to deliver in the ring and in each one of their three matches it always felt like there was a sense of escalation.They brought the best out of each other and really that's all it takes to make a great feud.
1. Randy Savage/The Ultimate Warrior – Welp, Savage and Warrior combine to take the top spot of another one of my top 5 lists. I've already gushed about the blow-off match plenty and sure, it's a big part of why this feud is so fantastic but it's far from the only part. The entire story between Savage and Warrior was a belter which re-established Savage as a megastar. Everything that happened at Royal Rumble '91 from Sherri's attempts at seduction to Savage's multiple run-ins on Warrior's title match were the apex of storytelling in this era. No, it didn't have the complicated motives of other feuds but by being black and white it was allowed to be pure cartoon fun. Then the retirement stipulation meant the blow-off had meaning. Here you had the two biggest names in wrestling that weren't Hulk Hogan going against each other for the first ever time and you really felt like either of them could win. Not to mention that when it was all said and done it led into the most emotional moment of the era. All in all this was just sheer pefection.

Biggest Surprise: The Jumping Bomb Angels

Oh my god, how loving great were these girls? At a time when men's wrestling mostly consisted of punches, kicks, rest holds and the occasional clotheslines these women were busting out the serious flippy lucha libre poo poo. Noriyo and Itzuki had it going all the way on and they could have been the catalyst for a huge revolution in women's wrestling in the West. I don't have enough words to describe how big a poo poo Moolah is for loving these two over. But let's not focus on what we don't have, let's focus on what we got. Two breathtaking performances that stole the show and set a benchmark for what wrestling could be, regardless of gender. While the JBAs may not have made a huge impact on the WWF I think they're a vital touchstone of this era for just showing what wrestling could be.

Hardest Fall: Hercules

Do you guys remember the early days of this thread? The tag team division was good, Bad News Brown was a thing, I had yet to discover the wonders of Rick Rude. Yes, those were simpler days my friends, and in those days we all brought offering to the oracles at the temple where we would worship the Greek god known as Hercules. He wasn't a high flyer, he didn't have much in the way of technical skill but what he did do was smack people's faces off and he did it well. In fact in these early days Herc' was one of the few bright spots to look forward to. But the years progressed and the landscape around him got better and Herc' didn't even stand still, he actively regressed. He got bigger and chubbier and his hair got scragglier until by the end of the Golden Era he looked like a roadie for Guns n' Roses. Thankfully in 1992 Vince had the werewithall to take him out back and pull an Old Yeller or else chances are he'd still be sucking it even worse today.

Best Promo: Hulk Hogan (Wrestlemania IV)

loving hell, this must be one of the most batshit minutes in wrestling history. So in case you forgot the details it's Wrestlemania IV. Hulk is set to meet Andre in the second round of the tournament to declare the new WWF champion. Zombie Mean Gene asks him a simple question about his match and Hulk launches into a rambling speech that manages to cover tidal waves, Donald Trump and the breast stroke. This is a level of insanity that has never been matched and as much as I hate Hulk, I could happily watch this again and again and again.

Worst Suplex: Hoganplex '88

Consider for a moment the humble suplex, if you well. It's a very basic wrestling move. It's never anybody's finisher, nobody pops when they see one and no one ever remembers it afterwards. You could kinda call it the Jack Tunney of wrestling moves. Keeping that in mind, just think about how objectively terrible a suplex would have to be for it to stand out so much it wins an award for worst suplex. Well, Hoganplex '88 is that bad and then moreso. While Hulk's commitment to not taking a back bump on the concrete is admirable it's Virgil's dismal ability that leads him to gently caress up the landing that really deserves the credit here.

Best Debut: The Undertaker

Man, everything about Taker's debut was so perfect. From the moment he appears at Survivor Series '89 and starts slowly pacing down to the ring he feels like a big deal. He instantly felt different to any other guy on the roster. And then he got to the ring and into action and he was the scariest monster ever. It was like something out of a horror movie. You run and you hide and you fight but there's nothing you can do to stop this guy as he slowly takes the group down one by one. And then he brought out the Tombstone which is the most brutal finisher we'd ever seen at this point. Even though he wound up being eliminated through a stupid countout he made a huge impact. Back then nobody would have known what he would go on to achieve but even so they must have stood up and taken notice.

Weirdest Jesse Outfit: Wrestlemania II

Over the years Jesse Ventura has provided us with a wealth of absolute insanity in the wardrobe department. But never was he more off his rocker than at Wrestlemania II. On their own a Ché Guevara hat, a red feather boa and a freaking golden Cleopatra headdress would each be the capper for a ridiculous ensemble. Yet somehow here Jesse goes above and beyond by putting all three of these accessories together to create something truly unique, a fashion disaster like no other. So for his commitment to the cause I think it's only right that we ask one last time:



Come back next time for Worst Commentator, Least Chemistry, the Rarity Was Wrong award and my worst 5 wrestlers!

DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

Warrior/Savage is my favorite Wrestlemania match ever, and given Warrior is one of the guys in it, that is pretty incredible. I just love how Warrior changes up his whole M.O. for this. No running around like a lunatic (Heenan notices this too. I miss good commentators), he just brick walls Savage into a mud puddle. Until even the Gorilla Press can't stop Savage, Warrior freaks out and almost leaves, Savage wipes himself out on a rail because he is a crazy person, Warrior regains his confidence and methodically beats him into retirement.

What a loving story

Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible

Rarity posted:


Hardest Fall: Hercules

Do you guys remember the early days of this thread? The tag team division was good, Bad News Brown was a thing, I had yet to discover the wonders of Rick Rude. Yes, those were simpler days my friends, and in those days we all brought offering to the oracles at the temple where we would worship the Greek god known as Hercules. He wasn't a high flyer, he didn't have much in the way of technical skill but what he did do was smack people's faces off and he did it well. In fact in these early days Herc' was one of the few bright spots to look forward to. But the years progressed and the landscape around him got better and Herc' didn't even stand still, he actively regressed. He got bigger and chubbier and his hair got scragglier until by the end of the Golden Era he looked like a roadie for Guns n' Roses. Thankfully in 1992 Vince had the werewithall to take him out back and pull an Old Yeller or else chances are he'd still be sucking it even worse today.

Uh Herc died a few years ago

Jason Sextro
Jul 30, 2003

Un alpha en développement depuis quatre ans? C'est incroyable!



DeathChicken posted:

Warrior/Savage is my favorite Wrestlemania match ever, and given Warrior is one of the guys in it, that is pretty incredible. I just love how Warrior changes up his whole M.O. for this. No running around like a lunatic (Heenan notices this too. I miss good commentators), he just brick walls Savage into a mud puddle. Until even the Gorilla Press can't stop Savage, Warrior freaks out and almost leaves, Savage wipes himself out on a rail because he is a crazy person, Warrior regains his confidence and methodically beats him into retirement.

What a loving story

Yeah, Warrior actually walking to the ring is one of my favourite details of the match.

Also, I knew Hoganplex 88 would win, because what else could it be? I'll be mighty disappointed if Dino Bravo isn't on the list of the worst, though

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?


For me, the most batshit promo ever always switches between Hogan's "THANK GOD DONALD TRUMP IS A HULKAMANIAC!" promo from Wrestlemania 4, and Ultimate Warrior's,"TEAR DOWN THE COCKPIT DOOR!" promo from (I think) Wrestlemania 6.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

Jeremy Corbyn has been made the subject of an official complaint to the Labour party over his suggestion in 2013 that some British Zionists do not understand 'English irony'.

Are you offended?

Why not put in a complaint?




Jason Sextro posted:

Also, I knew Hoganplex 88 would win, because what else could it be?

Andre's lovely horizontal suplex should have been a real contender but I forgot about it at time of writing

frankenfreak
Feb 16, 2007

Almanya önde!
Bir başka hedef!
Sonsuz şef Löw için zafer!


Rarity posted:

Andre's lovely horizontal suplex should have been a real contender but I forgot about it at time of writing
I think it's still the right call to give it to Hoganplex '88 because you're absolutely right about Virgil's part in this disaster.

Hoss Corncave
Feb 13, 2012


Rarity posted:

the Rarity Was Wrong award

This had better be you saying Bossman sucked.

Because Bossman was always awesome.

El Gallinero Gros
Mar 17, 2010


Rarity posted:

Andre's lovely horizontal suplex should have been a real contender but I forgot about it at time of writing

Andre's gets a pass, IMO, since he was in crazy pain every day st that point. Falling for a suplex would have sucked, whereas Hogan was just being lazy. Plus Andre was pretty agile in his early days. Stupid acromegaly.

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DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

Behold, Andre while he could still flip around for armdrags vs Dusty Rhodes before he was particularly fat

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9TP2tWAPm8

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