TSLA: When this baby hits 88 you're going to see some serious shit

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Serious Hardware/Software Crap > YOSPOS > TSLA: When this baby hits 88 you're going to see some serious shit

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El_Elegante: Jul 3, 2004; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS; Biscuit Hider

musk prefers lax security so your vehicle can be compromised into murdering its owner when they get uppity

# ? Nov 16, 2018 03:45

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 19:56

infernal machines: Oct 11, 2012; we monitor many frequencies. we listen always. came a voice, out of the babel of tongues, speaking to us. it played us a mighty dub.

i'm sure an ops team like that has only the best controls in place for the ota vehicle flashing network that lets them push out firmware to your ABS brakes

# ? Nov 16, 2018 03:49

graph: Nov 22, 2006; aaag peanuts

infernal machines posted:

if safety is third security is like twelfth

you got it

# ? Nov 16, 2018 03:52

Fuzzy Mammal: Aug 15, 2001; Lipstick Apathy

like, he wouldn't even have an ldap. how could it even possibly work, just of his email? incredible

# ? Nov 16, 2018 07:58

mewse: May 2, 2006

President Beep posted:

*an impatient and flustered elon bashes away at a keyboard with both fists as cowed staff look on* see?! see?! I can�t get into our system! it�s fine!

# ? Nov 16, 2018 08:18

psiox: Oct 15, 2001; Babylon 5 Street Team

infernal machines posted:

i'm sure an ops team like that has only the best controls in place for the ota vehicle flashing network that lets them push out firmware to your ABS brakes

this is the scariest sentence i've read in weeks

not that it wasn't already known before but :drat:

# ? Nov 16, 2018 08:25

Wheany: Mar 17, 2006; Spinya^{ha^{ha^haha}ha}ha_{ha_{ha_haha}ha}ha!; Doctor Rope

Sagebrush posted:

people I meet at parties and such, upon discovering what an industrial designer is, constantly tell me their ideas for a great new product that's going to definitely sell a million units, they just need someone to help them get it made

The most memorable one was a middle-aged woman who was almost frighteningly insistent that if you took a Chevy Cavalier and put the rear end of a Corvette on it, people would be breaking down the dealership doors to buy it

i don't know, man, i think this looks pretty drat sweet

# ? Nov 16, 2018 08:50

Nomnom Cookie: Aug 30, 2009

infernal machines posted:

i'm sure an ops team like that has only the best controls in place for the ota vehicle flashing network that lets them push out firmware to your ABS brakes

did they really set it up so that safety critical software can receive OTA updates

# ? Nov 16, 2018 09:12

Nomnom Cookie: Aug 30, 2009

Wheany posted:

i don't know, man, i think this looks pretty drat sweet

business in the front, party in the back

# ? Nov 16, 2018 09:12

ol qwerty bastard: Dec 13, 2005; If you want something done, do it yourself!

i walked past someone yesterday putting snow tires on their tesla in a parking lot :allears:

hope they have fun with their giant lithium ion battery in the canadian winter

# ? Nov 16, 2018 10:33

eschaton: Mar 7, 2007; Don't you just hate when you wind up in a store with people who are in a socioeconomic class that is pretty obviously about two levels lower than your own?

Kevin Mitnick P.E. posted:

did they really set it up so that safety critical software can receive OTA updates

what does your heart etc.

also wasn�t a serious braking distance problem with the Model 3 fixed in an update?

remember our very own Tesla leaker said that poo poo was also being programmed in place, on the line post-installation, rather than pre-installation, so it would be logical plot progression in their shitshow

# ? Nov 16, 2018 11:41

Jamsta: Dec 16, 2006; Oh you want some too? Fuck you!

Holy sheet, we all know Tesla is a flaky outfit, but that's some next level Hanlon's razor.

Also what happened to Fart Powered Cars, did the Uber-now-Tesla-gestapo kill him?

# ? Nov 16, 2018 12:10

Munkeymon: Aug 14, 2003; Motherfucker's got an
armor-piercing crowbar! Rigoddamndicu𝜆ous.

eschaton posted:

also wasn’t a serious braking distance problem with the Model 3 fixed in an update?

yeah. consumer reports or jd power didn't like the braking distance on the m3 so they fixed it on an update or at least said they would

# ? Nov 16, 2018 13:39

iospace: Jan 19, 2038

So Tesla is using brake-by-wire and didn't figure it out? Despite every F1 team right now having figured it out *checks notes* since 2014*?

*F1 went to V6 turbo hybrids that year, and they use regenerative braking and brake-by-wire. It's entirely possible that brake-by-wire was implemented earlier than the 2014 season, but that's the first season where I know for sure it was.

# ? Nov 16, 2018 14:13

Chris Knight: Jun 5, 2002; me @ ur posts; Fun Shoe

ol qwerty bastard posted:

i walked past someone yesterday putting snow tires on their tesla in a parking lot hope they have fun with their giant lithium ion battery in the canadian winter

better than them not putting on snow tires and being like every other southern Ontario jackass trying to drive up hills in their all weathers

# ? Nov 16, 2018 14:19

flakeloaf: Feb 26, 2003; Still better than android clock

Chris Knight posted:

better than them not putting on snow tires and being like every other southern Ontario jackass trying to drive up hills in their all weathers

bus stop at the top of a hill this morning was kinda terrifying

# ? Nov 16, 2018 14:22

President Beep: Apr 30, 2009; i have to have a car because otherwise i cant drive around the country solving mysteries while being doggedly pursued by federal marshals for a crime i did not commit (9/11)

this whole OTA braking distance fix sounds really odd to me. like, right from the get go, wouldn't tesla just say "okay, we know that X is a good braking distance for a car like this, so we'll just make it that". why is it remotely adjustable in the first place?

# ? Nov 16, 2018 14:25

EVGA Longoria: Dec 25, 2005; Let's go exploring!

President Beep posted:

this whole OTA braking distance fix sounds really odd to me. like, right from the get go, wouldn't tesla just say "okay, we know that X is a good braking distance for a car like this, so we'll just make it that". why is it remotely adjustable in the first place?

idk but it had a worse braking distance than an f150 in the tests lol

# ? Nov 16, 2018 14:28

iospace: Jan 19, 2038

https://twitter.com/zomgapocalypse/status/1063179090499375107

# ? Nov 16, 2018 14:30

President Beep: Apr 30, 2009; i have to have a car because otherwise i cant drive around the country solving mysteries while being doggedly pursued by federal marshals for a crime i did not commit (9/11)

iospace posted:

https://twitter.com/zomgapocalypse/status/1063179090499375107

lmao. the car's maladies change with the seasons. :allears:

# ? Nov 16, 2018 14:32

Munkeymon: Aug 14, 2003; Motherfucker's got an
armor-piercing crowbar! Rigoddamndicu𝜆ous.

President Beep posted:

lmao. the car's maladies change with the seasons.

pretty sure that's the same problem as the bumper falling off in the rain issue but with slush instead of water

# ? Nov 16, 2018 14:38

Chris Knight: Jun 5, 2002; me @ ur posts; Fun Shoe

FCKGW posted:

also the guy wasnt just made an admin, he was made the owner of the entire drupal install which means he had control over the entire tesla.com website

After I lost my admin status I started chiming back in with references that Elon Musk fans would enjoy, like �42� and zombie memes

# ? Nov 16, 2018 14:49

gschmidl: Sep 3, 2011; watch with knife hands

iospace posted:

https://twitter.com/zomgapocalypse/status/1063179090499375107

quote:

No, not all of the issues are "weird" or would be a "problem on any vehicle" and I suggest you don't be so flippant - until you've lived somewhere seriously cold it's easy to underestimate the inconvenience and potential danger of having a disabled vehicle. I'm not even complaining about it in terms of the money I spent - this is purely basic expectations of any car in winter. I've had lots - premium, not so permium, SUVs, sedans, wagon etc etc.

I'm not even too worried about my frozen door handles and windows that could happen on any car, I'm worried about disabling issues - take my problems in the last 24h with a frozen charging port locking tab (not the flap):

- Last night I had to stand in my garage with a hairdryer at 11pm to be able to insert the charging cable because the tab was frozen in the up position and wouldn't move.

- This morning the locking tab was frozen in place again so I couldn't remove the cable - I was basically stranded. Lucky we have a second vehicle as the M3 was a giant, pointless battery sitting in the garage.

- The Tesla solution was to run the HVAC on HI for two hours with the rear seats down. This took the full two hours but did work. So now that's my routine if I want to be sure I can get to work - get up two hours early to pre-heat the car or cobble together some third-party TeslaFi solution. Going to be fun on my 6am starts.

And before people chime in with the obvious, no I didn't go through a car wash and yes it is always garaged at home.

I don't think it's unreasonable for me to expect the car to work and be available in the very first week of proper winter, especially when we haven't even had serious weather yet. The fact that it doesn't, and that it's due to some very Tesla-specific design issues is very concerning.

I'd always seen people complain about the mindless Tesla-defenders and not paid much heed but this issue is really showing them up. I suppose the huge number who live in toasty California is an issue. I suggest people be a bit more open minded.

# ? Nov 16, 2018 15:01

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

what, your car doesn't have seasonal allergies?

# ? Nov 16, 2018 15:13

infernal machines: Oct 11, 2012; we monitor many frequencies. we listen always. came a voice, out of the babel of tongues, speaking to us. it played us a mighty dub.

Kevin Mitnick P.E. posted:

did they really set it up so that safety critical software can receive OTA updates

yes, yes they did

President Beep posted:

this whole OTA braking distance fix sounds really odd to me. like, right from the get go, wouldn't tesla just say "okay, we know that X is a good braking distance for a car like this, so we'll just make it that". why is it remotely adjustable in the first place?

the issue was they didn't do proper braking tests, and lo, the abs brakes were so badly calibrated the model 3 stopped like 70s land yacht with drum brakes

# ? Nov 16, 2018 15:19

flakeloaf: Feb 26, 2003; Still better than android clock

Endless Mike posted:

what, your car doesn't have seasonal allergies?

sucks to your rear end car

# ? Nov 16, 2018 15:19

President Beep: Apr 30, 2009; i have to have a car because otherwise i cant drive around the country solving mysteries while being doggedly pursued by federal marshals for a crime i did not commit (9/11)

infernal machines posted:

yes, yes they did

the issue was they didn't do proper braking tests, and lo, the abs brakes were so badly calibrated the model 3 stopped like 70s land yacht with drum brakes

what the gently caress??? does the ntsb or whoever not have performance/documentation standards for poo poo like this? having lovely brakes is one thing, but failing to realize that because of poor testing shouldn't even be a thing.

# ? Nov 16, 2018 15:22

infernal machines: Oct 11, 2012; we monitor many frequencies. we listen always. came a voice, out of the babel of tongues, speaking to us. it played us a mighty dub.

it's a tesla :shrug:

# ? Nov 16, 2018 15:26

Endless Mike: Aug 13, 2003

President Beep posted:

what the gently caress??? does the ntsb or whoever not have performance/documentation standards for poo poo like this? having lovely brakes is one thing, but failing to realize that because of poor testing shouldn't even be a thing.

nhtsa would be the agency you're looking for. ntsb investigates accidents after they happen.

# ? Nov 16, 2018 15:38

President Beep: Apr 30, 2009; i have to have a car because otherwise i cant drive around the country solving mysteries while being doggedly pursued by federal marshals for a crime i did not commit (9/11)

infernal machines posted:

it's a tesla

yeah, i get that. i just thought that maybe the feds would want to verify and certify the functionality of certain critical systems for road going vehicles. i suppose that would just get in the way of jorb creation of some poo poo tho.

# ? Nov 16, 2018 15:39

President Beep: Apr 30, 2009; i have to have a car because otherwise i cant drive around the country solving mysteries while being doggedly pursued by federal marshals for a crime i did not commit (9/11)

Endless Mike posted:

nhtsa would be the agency you're looking for. ntsb investigates accidents after they happen.

cool. legit thanks for the clarification.

# ? Nov 16, 2018 15:39

FAUXTON: Jun 2, 2005; spero che tu stia bene

Endless Mike posted:

nhtsa would be the agency you're looking for. ntsb investigates accidents after they happen.

So we have to wait for Tesla to fold before the ntsb looks into them

# ? Nov 16, 2018 15:40

infernal machines: Oct 11, 2012; we monitor many frequencies. we listen always. came a voice, out of the babel of tongues, speaking to us. it played us a mighty dub.

President Beep posted:

yeah, i get that. i just thought that maybe the feds would want to verify and certify the functionality of certain critical systems for road going vehicles. i suppose that would just get in the way of jorb creation of some poo poo tho.

if you look at the second article i posted the tl;dr: is that like literally everything on the model 3, tesla calibrated the abs on their perfectly clean, smooth, test track and never tested them anywhere else. unsurprisingly, they didn't work for poo poo in real-world road conditions

see if you can spot the pattern here

# ? Nov 16, 2018 15:45

President Beep: Apr 30, 2009; i have to have a car because otherwise i cant drive around the country solving mysteries while being doggedly pursued by federal marshals for a crime i did not commit (9/11)

infernal machines posted:

tesla calibrated the abs on their perfectly clean, smooth, test track and never tested them anywhere else.

ah, now the pieces fit.

# ? Nov 16, 2018 15:47

Just-In-Timeberlake: Aug 18, 2003

President Beep posted:

yeah, i get that. i just thought that maybe the feds would want to verify and certify the functionality of certain critical systems for road going vehicles. i suppose that would just get in the way of jorb creation of some poo poo tho.

move fast break people

# ? Nov 16, 2018 15:47

Chris Knight: Jun 5, 2002; me @ ur posts; Fun Shoe

gschmidl posted:

tesla: giant, pointless

# ? Nov 16, 2018 15:51

flakeloaf: Feb 26, 2003; Still better than android clock

President Beep posted:

ah, now the pieces fit.

i know the pieces fit
cause i watched them drive away
mismatched and moldering
fun, the molding's different
self-driving cars supposed to set pedestrians in motion
bumper falls off as it goes
testing cars while in production

and so on

# ? Nov 16, 2018 15:52

Roosevelt: Jul 18, 2009; I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

gschmidl posted:

this is hilarious but it's pretty hosed up that it's necessarily going to be scores of idiots getting killed by their cars this winter for tesla to face any repercussions

# ? Nov 16, 2018 16:00

infernal machines: Oct 11, 2012; we monitor many frequencies. we listen always. came a voice, out of the babel of tongues, speaking to us. it played us a mighty dub.

what's hilarious is all the idiots in the linked thread assuming it's just like the slush that builds up in the wheel well on a real car and calling the guy a crybaby.

# ? Nov 16, 2018 16:05

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 19:56

Captain Foo: May 11, 2004; we vibin'
we slidin'
we breathin'
we dyin'

flakeloaf posted:

i know the pieces fit
cause i watched them drive away
mismatched and moldering
fun, the molding's different
self-driving cars supposed to set pedestrians in motion
bumper falls off as it goes
testing cars while in production

and so on

# ? Nov 16, 2018 16:09

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Serious Hardware/Software Crap > YOSPOS > TSLA: When this baby hits 88 you're going to see some serious shit

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