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The difference in structure between that last account and pretty much every single other one is extremely obvious - it reads like a carefully constructed story - no jumping around in time, no confusion of who did what, no oddly blurry sections where the writer 'forgets' exactly what happened to cause the estrangement.
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Jan 14, 2020 16:58
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Tin Can Hit Man posted:Kids these days! No appreciation for The Grand Gesture™ anymore! Jesus Christ I hate this so loving much. So hey, you said totally unforgiveable things on basically zero provocation, but you also made a BIG SHOWY APOLOGY so it's all square. Until the next time you feel driven to say unforgivable things. Not a parent, a sibling, but same loving vibe. I'm reducing contact to the bare minimum because after 30 years of the same poo poo, it's not worth trying any more.
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Aug 29, 2020 18:51
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trickybiscuits posted:
That rings very very true for a couple of people in my immediate family  It's like groundhog day - nothing ever fundamentally changes because self-examination and accepting responsibility for their own behaviour is largely intolerable to them.
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Aug 30, 2020 14:53
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shoeberto posted:Seconding this. This is very familiar to me too, - again with the evidence hiding and being very soft-footed to avoid being noticed. Also the inability to share personal information or be in any way emotionally vulnerable because it 100% will be use to attack you later. You have to pretend to be fine all the time because to be other than fine is 'loud' and if you do persist in being obviously distressed, you end up having to comfort them because they are so upset and anxious about your bad news that they need all the comforting and reassurance and there's none left over for you. So you do it all by yourself because its just easier.
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Sep 1, 2020 21:30
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When me and my older brother were very small, our parents played a prank on us whereby for a whole day our father adopted a weird smile and manner and told us he was 'Jimmy' (not his name). 'Jimmy' was just really weird and wrong and only left when our original father reappeared and told us he'd killed 'Jimmy' and everything was fine and normal now. They thought this was a cool and funny thing to do to their sub-6 year old children. Trust issues? What trust issues??? edit: Picnic P I am so so loving glad you found a lovely person to spend you life with. Pookah fucked around with this message at 22:18 on Sep 1, 2020 |
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Sep 1, 2020 22:16
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Peanut Butter posted:Man, my parents used to mock me for anything I liked too, to the point I would avoid or hide my interests. They weren't abusive but I identify with a shocking amount of the stuff in this thread, which has led me to reading a LOT about CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) and like, yikes. Turns out all the negative parts of my childhood (that they convinced me I misremembered) might have hosed me up after all. I just looked this up and jesus, that's it, that's the core of my whole thing I think. And there are recovery and coping strategies! Thank you so much for posting this, and I'm so sorry you had to
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Sep 5, 2020 07:28
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Peanut Butter posted:Thanks friend. lovely as it is, discovering that this is a) a thing and b) very treatable has given me a whole new outlook on life (even if it'll be a while yet before I can really start to see big improvements). I've had a lot of downtime at work this week and have been powering through the literature. I can wholeheartedly recommend both of Jonice Webb's books on the subject Running on Empty and Running on Empty No More. Right back at you friend:, I've been doing one of the coping/recovery strategies just today - recording emotions when and where they happen , and its already had the really nice effect of letting me discover that I feel happy a lot more that I thought I did. So thank you for sharing, its genuinely already really helped me 
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Sep 5, 2020 19:35
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As a direct result of this thread, I'm reading "adult children of emotionally immature parents" by L. C. Gibson, and it is a loving eyeopener. There's like a checklist of about 12-14 characteristics at the start of chapter two, where she says if you parent ticks any one of these, they might be somewhat emotionally immature. Between them my parents tick literally ALL of them, bar one. That one is one where they diminish or belittle your achievements, and mine have never done that. They are genuinely not malicious, they are largely doing their best, as far as they can tell, but they really are messed up, and its almost certainly because that's how they were brought up. Awful thing is that I can imagine talking to one of my parents about this stuff, and it being largely accepted, if presented in a non-accusatory way, but 100% not the other, because anything approaching criticism is totally intolerable to them I'm not even angry with them about the whole situation, I just want us all to be better.
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Sep 6, 2020 20:11
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Peanut Butter posted:Checklist That's the one, ty for posting it  I'm still reading and absorbing and it's actually felt really... good for the most part? Like, my experiences are on the very very far end of the scale compared the horrific trauma many of you have had to live through, but they've had a very significant effect on me, and how I interact with other people. Also because I genuinely believe there was no ill-intent on my parents' part, that they were almost certainly doing the best they could, makes the whole thing even more emotionally complicated. But I AM feeling things, and that's a big step in and of itself. Finding out that there is a name for this - that I'm not just naturally weird, or imagining things has been an enormous relief. And I'm a lot less angry too, because I can finally see why this has happened. Edit: there is a thing which is causing me quite a lot of internal conflict, which is, if I grew up in a dysfunctional environment, how can I possibly rely on my own interpretations of what happened? Surely I must be something of an unreliable narrator of my own story and maybe I'm exaggerating the faults of others and minimizing my own? I honestly don't want to do this; I want to be open and honest about everything, but I do fear being biased in my own favour. Pookah fucked around with this message at 22:39 on Sep 7, 2020 |
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Sep 7, 2020 17:46
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Peanut Butter posted:I am 100% with you on the feeling things part. I don't remember sadness ever feeling so good. My lingering issue is that, while I really don't think my parents were doing anything other than their best with bad tools, one of my siblings is a lot more malignant. I've tried for literally decades to get some kind of acknowledgement from them that my feelings matter to them, but it's been an almost entirely wasted effort. They are intermittently extremely verbally and emotionally abusive, and they 100% weaponize any level of trust I place in them. I'm finally coming to realize that I can't make them care about me, I can't make them be the person I thought they were, and that's ok. When we were kids I thought we were a team, it's only in adulthood I've realized that I was just a convenient audience for them. Edit: Fortunately I have another sibling and they are just the loving best, kindest. most considerate person I know, though they'd never describe themselves as such. I hope we give each other the support we need.
Pookah fucked around with this message at 20:02 on Sep 8, 2020 |
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Sep 8, 2020 19:52
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indiscriminately posted:Just curious, why do you think you and your "good" sibling turned out the way you did and your other sibling turned out so different? Possibly they modelled their behaviour on our more actively blame-avoidant parent, possibly its a thing described by one of the books I've been reading, about how some people become internalizers, who tend to blame themselves, and look inward for answers, and others become externalizers, who blame other people and tend to try to redirect responsibility to anyone but themselves. I do know they treat any degree of criticism as a profound personal attack and respond to it with very extreme verbal attacks. I believe that I, and the one who I get on with try our best to be considerate and thoughtful of each other's feelings and needs, whereas the other one is almost entirely oblivious to anything like that, Indeed, the last time we spent any time together, they tried to convince me that our other sibling secretly hates me, and that happened because I was annoyed with them for leaving messes for other people to clean up. They genuinely tried to undermine one of the most important relationships in my life because I was pissy with them about leaving a messy kitchen that one time. I call it going full- nuclear, and they do it for the most insanely trivial reasons. edit: now I feel bad for bitching about them because they are damaged too, just in a different way from me
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Sep 8, 2020 20:25
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indiscriminately posted:You're writing about someone we'll never meet so kind-of you're just thinking out loud really, and you shouldn't feel bad about your own thoughts. Thank you, I really really just want to be fair, I have a horrible fear of being so focussed on my own things that I'll misrepresent everyone elses experiences. And of course, I can't write theirs anyway, they'll surely see the same things in an entirely different way.
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Sep 8, 2020 21:48
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Sisal Two-Step posted:but lately I've just been stewing about my childhood. Idk where to go from here. I've been doing the same for a long time, just chewing over the same things and getting nowhere. In the last week or so, having heard about this CEN thing and doing some reading, I've started to find a bit of distance between me and these childhood things. They still aren't ok, but having some understanding of what causes this to happen has really helped me move past being just angry and confused all the time. People work with the tools they have and if they themselves were left lacking, they tend to just pass that lack onwards. hyperhazard posted:This sounds corny af, but studies have found that even having a single positive role model (teacher, friend's parent, extended family member, etc) who sees you as a person and treats you as worthy of respect can make all the difference. I know anecdotes =/= data, but my aunt is one of the worst people I know, and my cousin turned out ok because he was super close with our grandfather. Same with one of my friends who had absolutely poo poo parents except for his mom's 2nd husband. Guy was only in his life for a year or two, but he made so much of a difference that my friend still talks about him fondly today. (Totally nc with his mom and step-dads #1, 3, and 4. Like, won't even mention them.) Not corny at all, I really do believe that most of us are ravenous for some evidence that people are mostly pretty decent, kindly and loving and when we find a person who is, we cling on to what they teach us I think that person for me has been my other sibling - we've kind of stood by each other and I know I'd flatten anyone who tried to hurt them, and I think they'd do the same for me. I have no clue whatever as to why we ended up being very cautious of hurting people's feelings when the rest of the fam tend to be so oblivous to them, but that's the way it turned out. (Of course I could be entirely imagining my own sensitivity, and be in reality an absolute steamroller, but I really do hope I'm not )
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Sep 9, 2020 19:36
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sandro posted:I'm a long time forums lurker and often check in on this thread as I'm estranged from both my parents. Sometimes I type out a lengthy spiel detailing the abuse I endured as a kid but ultimately delete what I've written after convincing myself not to air my dirty laundry to a bunch of strangers. I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks to those who share their experiences as it helps me to not feel so much inane guilt over severing. You do what helps you. I feel mad mad guilt about posting about my extremely mild situation compared to so many others. I feel bad for complaining about my thing when others have had it so very much worse, I feel bad because I really believe my parents had no ill-intent, they were just passing on the same lack they themselves experienced growing up. But posting my thing helped me find out about childhood emotional neglect, which has really helped me understand and frame my own experiences. You can change lots of details to hide and protect yourself. If you think it might help at all to talk about your own experiences, please do, as long as you feel safe doing so; there are so many people here who can understand and empathize. Hope you're in a better place now
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Sep 26, 2020 21:17
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Mx. posted:paragraph 1: I gave them thousands of dollars that should mean they look after me forever!! Even so, the comments are about 90% 'this article is extremely one-sided, sometimes cutting your parents off is the only choice left', which is heartening.
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Oct 25, 2020 10:29
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ElHuevoGrande posted:I stayed away from therapy for a very long time because both my parents saw therapists briefly and it made them significantly worse. It just gave them a whole new vocabulary to tell me how much of a piece of poo poo I was. This counselor also pushed my father into getting sober, which inexplicably made him more violent. I thought if thats what mental health professionals do, it's not for me. Sidenote: thanks to this thread for getting me past that and into therapy. Seeing goons horrified reactions to things my parents did too kind of made everything click that no my upbringing wasn't normal and yes I deserve help. Getting sober is meaningless unless the underlying issues that led to the addiction are addressed. It's almost invariably self-medicating for some kind of major issue, so when the crutch is removed, the issue just explodes again, with the addition of the frustration of knowing there's something that makes it go away for a bit that's not allowed any more. Also therapy is not a good thing for narcissists because it just gives them more tools to manipulate and abuse people, they cannot change because they fundamentally do not think there is anything wrong with them. Literally not a single thing, if there is a problem then it's other people. That counsellor was dangerously, horribly ignorant, and I'm sorry you had to deal with the consequences I hope you're in a better, safer place now
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Oct 25, 2020 19:28
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This will probably sound trite, but it really sounds like you are grieving for the loss of a parent who does not exist. You sound like a good and empathetic person who wants to believe their mother is just, misinformed, or angry, or something, when it sounds like they are just loving terrible at the base level. This woman is your birth mother, but that does not guarantee her a place in your life, or a seat at your table. You can jettison her if she is a destructive for5ce, and you don't have to feel bad about doing so, gently caress that poo poo. Edit: I just reread your post and the bit about your being made feel responsible for her emotions jumped out at me That is classic emotional abuse poo poo - your reaction to my bullshit is making ME feel bad is emotional abuse 101. Please read up on the classic tactics, they are not very variable and they are not very smart. Pookah fucked around with this message at 21:25 on Nov 13, 2020 |
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Nov 13, 2020 21:14
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You are not at fault, you can only work with the tools you know, and you were probably handed hosed up tools. Like a lot of us, you are a good and reasonable person trying to logic their way out of a hosed up situation. sometimes these people are just a complete mess and they cannot be logicked into normality, and that is neither your fault or your responsibility. Edit: I can really identify with having a parent who starts talking about themselves whenever you talk about your own problems, I have one of those, plus one who throws a wobbler if you talk about anything bad happening in you own life. So we all learned from a very early age to deal with problems by ourselves and to be ready to comfort out parents if we had to give them bad news, because the reverse would never realistically happen. Neither of my parents has the emotional maturity to understand why they feel the way they do and how to feel differently. Everything is a fight. Pookah fucked around with this message at 22:36 on Nov 13, 2020 |
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Nov 13, 2020 22:24
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Axqu, I do not have the tools or experience to meaningly help you in your recovery, but offer you my heartfelt hope you can find the support you need and the tools you need to recover and heal from your past. Is one on one therapy with a specialist in childhood sexual abuse a possibility for you? Maybe via a regional charity focussed on supporting survivors of abuse? Just as an ordinary non specialist, it sounds like you need the support and care of a expert: your trauma sounds severe and deep seated. Group therapy has it's place, but it's not right for every circumstance. Your family sounds toxic, and like they want you to keep quiet so they can pretend everything is fine. It's incredibly not fine. I can't think of anything else useful to say except that I'm thinking about you and hoping you can find a measure of peace and happiness in the future. You are absolutely deserving of happiness.
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Nov 15, 2020 19:41
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Picnic princess, if it is any help at all, I've seen many of your posts and been so inspired and strengthened by how you've managed to deal with your awful family troubles. gently caress knows, none of this is easy, but your courage and strength is loving inspiring. You're not required to do anything except look after yourself of course, but I just felt you should know you are a brave and powerful person and I'm rooting for you <3
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Dec 10, 2020 19:04
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Literally A Person posted:This is the first year in years and years that we aren't spending Christmas with my family. My mom was going to come and spend it here with us but upon learning that we'd be wearing masks and she'd have to sleep at a hotel she decided not to. Okay, fine. Honestly it makes the holiday infinitely easier with a toddler. No six hour drive. No making my kid sit in someone else's house with different rules and new people on an already hectic day. But all I loving hear is how she never sees her grandson (we've always had an open visit policy but once I started enforcing the you-have-to-give-us-a-days-notice rule she stopped visiting entirely). So, like I always loving do, I tried to compromise with a zoom call. I mean, the lady is loving dying and I (guess I) would like my son to be able to have even the most marginal relationship with at least one of my parents. My dad died before my little guy was born so that ship sailed. She informed me that zoom is just too impersonal, cold, and in her words "creepy." gently caress, Lady do you want to see this kid or not? Is it so bad to suck it the gently caress up and try. This puzzles me all the drat time : both my parents are hosed up in somewhat different ways and yet I know I am a better, kinder more considerate person than then are. How??? How did I independently discover that it was better to be someone who listens politely to other people, who treats them with respect, as long as they aren't gross bigots. Im not here to toot my own horn, I just genuinely don't understand how I dodged their dumb bullet. Also: your ma is a monster and you can't fix her with kindness. It's like trying to convince a tone-deaf person music is lovely. They do not have the brain function to understand the point. They are broken.
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Dec 22, 2020 19:47
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hallo spacedog posted:On the one hand that guy is a total shithead, but on the other the daughter got the valuable lesson of knowing not to ever count on her dad at age 9, so that's good. I mean, in a just world he wouldn't be a piece of garbage but since he is, better to learn you can't count on your lovely parent early than later. This is, sadly the lesson this poor child takes away from this. Her dad is a useless, stupid and cruel baby man who will add nothing of value to her life. The sooner she gets to find far better people to support and help her, the better.
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Jan 3, 2021 20:26
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To me, it feels kinda like a pendulum - if someone is raised pretty well and pretty happily - they'll probably want to do something fairly similar with their own kids, so no major swing in parenting/family behaviour happens. If their upbringing was hosed up in various ways, and they are strongly aware of that, they'll probably swing as hard as they can in another direction to avoid making those same mistakes, and if they have no good outside help or guidance, who the gently caress knows what direction they'll swing in, or how far they 'll go Or they might just swing a little way back towards normal ("I only hit with a hand, no belt!") and because it's somewhat less terrible, it seems much better to them, instead of still terrible.
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Jan 17, 2021 09:55
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In a situation right now which is both trivial, but exhausting. Father is now at war with entire immediate family, being asked to stop doing something which is damaging to a pet and which has been asked for many, many MANY times before is, apparently unacceptably controlling, bullying behaviour. He has always been like this - always redesignating criticism/negative remarks as bullying or controlling but this is a whole new thing. I fantasize about having a conversation with him where we both admit to faults, but laugh and agree to work harder in future to get in better. He cannot admit to being wrong. Ever. He will fight any stupid corner for absolutely loving ever, even if it means no one in his immediate family wants to talk to him ever again. And that happens because of a mean conspiracy again at him, and not because he's an rear end. Its so loving stupid, and unnecessary, and painful. Its loving intolerable because if he ever ripped the mask off and went full authoritarian, I'd know what to do, but it's always this weird little edge tactic of being kinda an rear end but not 100% one so... Like, this is my father and I do not want him to be awful but he's also kind of a bullying idiot. PPrincess I am so insanely happy for you that you and your guy found each other. You got so goddamn lucky in a terrible, awful way. I grew up in a way less weird environment, but it was is and was hosed, and I am still trying to escape. You are an inspiration to people still trying from get out. Pookah fucked around with this message at 21:15 on Feb 3, 2021 |
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Feb 3, 2021 20:54
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I am so tired, so completely tired. It could be so easy if he weren't such a dimwitted bully. And yet, here we are.
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Feb 3, 2021 22:17
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Blunt for Century, it's honestly so comforting to hear other people understand the stupid boring crap we have to deal with every day, like it's totally ordinary, even though it seems so stupid and pointlessPookah posted:I am so tired, so completely tired. It could be so easy if he weren't such a dimwitted bully.
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Feb 3, 2021 22:21
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femcastra posted:Covid caveat, I’m in Australia and we’re doing okay case wise. This rings very close to home for me too, like, I know most people are kind and gentle and accommodating, but growing up with my parents has taught me that if you have a problem you really better keep it to yourself because telling them about it will only make things worse: not only will you have to deal with your own pain, but you'll also end up having to handle theirs too, because ARGH being an adult is just TOO HARD and everyone needs to help me, the parent, deal with this difficult circumstance. A shared experience of all my siblings is learning to cope entirely alone, because asking for help is just asking for more goddamn work We all have extreme difficultly seeking help with literally anything, because we all learned as little children that if you look for help it'll cost you a lot. Edit: one nice thing about this whole shitshow is that I am extremely conscious as a pet having person, that I need to be solid and reliable for my dog and birds so they know that if they are afraid, I will absolutely sort things out for them. And I do. I can't sort out my own crap, but my pets get all their stuff sorted asap. It makes them feel safe. Pookah fucked around with this message at 22:52 on Feb 4, 2021 |
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Feb 4, 2021 22:28
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Arsenic Lupin posted:It occurs to me that I made a point of apologizing to my children ("I'm sorry; you were right and I was wrong.") because nobody did it to me. Your kids are lucky and I'm sure they'll benefit hugely from it I can't imagine how marvelous it would be for me if my father admitted to being wrong about something and was genuinely sorry about it. He has been 'sorry' about stuff in the past, but it's never been real, always a weird tactic to win about something else.
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Feb 4, 2021 23:43
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Mormon Nailer is a beyond god-tier username. gently caress.... Anyway, I've been reflecting for the last few months on my own family situation, and it's really confusing. It's not literally abusive as so many of you have had to deal with, it's more about the absences. Never getting brought to the doctor, or dentist past early childhood. Never feeling safe or reassured or knowing 'you can come to me, I'll support you, no matter what' the absolute opposite in fact. It's always been the fact that if I've had a big problem, I have to work out a way to communicate it to them in a way they can handle so as to not make them completely freak out. I never get to break down and get supported, I have to keep it together so they aren't overwhelmed. I have to manage my own trauma so as to not be a bother. My father ignores everything as long as there isn't the slightest whiff of criticism directed at him, and my mother has two reactions - ignore the problem, or scream at the problem until it goes away. It's surprisingly effective! We all learned to be toxically incapable of accepting help or support because hahaha accepting help always ends up meaning paying back a debt you never saw coming.
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May 14, 2021 20:57
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Dongsturm posted:Neglect absolutely is abuse. This is beyond neglect though, because you have had to provide emotional support for your parents, rather than the other way around. Thank you, that is 110% the plan. Covid makes it harder but also in a weird way, easier, because the lockdowns made poo poo more obvious. Just how many of my stressors are family-related is INSANE. Rents/house prices here super suck, but I really want to get me and my brother out. He's a really good guy who deserves better
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May 14, 2021 21:15
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What I can never understand is that, I get that my mother probably got her issues from my grandma, who got sent away from home to childless relatives when she was little, so definitely had huuuge trust issues. But I was raised all weird and my reaction is to protect my dog (rescue, many many trust issues) from being afraid and to help him feel safe and loved. Like they were hurt, and they do the same thing, I was hurt and I really loving don't want to pass it on because it's awful. Goddamn you idiots, dont keep doing the same poo poo, it's awful
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May 14, 2021 21:31
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I got my weird worried puppy asleep in my arms and I'm not gonna move because it'll make him uncomfy. I love this good dog and it makes me feel better about human connections, because if I can care about making a little dog feel safe, then I'm not a gently caress up. They are, I'm ok
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May 14, 2021 22:38
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In my experience, it's about acquiring and retaining the admiration of as many other people as possible, but with the minimum of real, ongoing effort. The ones I know who are like this are absolutely charming, funny and entertaining when they meet new people, or in social or work situations when they don't really have to do anything too demanding to get people to think they are great. But when it comes to maintaining long-term family relationships, why put in the effort? The immediate family already knows it's just a big front, close family already knows that when it comes right down to it, it's entirely shallow and performative, and if called upon to actually DO something kind or supportive or thoughtful in any way, these people are nowhere to be seen.
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Jul 17, 2021 09:32
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I was just thinking about analogies to help me understand how low/no empathy people cannot accept that most people DO feel empathy for others, and I thought of things like being colour-blind or being tone-deaf. But they don't really work, because obviously a tone-deaf or colour-blind person understands that other people do not experience the world the same way they do, but a low-no empathy person is broken in a way that is so much more fundamental to the state of being human that they literally lack the ability to comprehend the existence of people who are not like them.
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Oct 9, 2021 10:02
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This will be the second Christmas we'll be immediate family only, and frankly I'm so so relieved. Up until 2019 we did a couple of extended family dinners over Christmas - total 10 people, and over the years things have been getting increasingly complicated cooking-wise, and increasingly fraught for god knows what reasons. I started feeling mildly stressed about this Christmas back in June, because it looked like we'd be going back to the old set-up. Finding out in early December that, no, we'll be just us was a huge weight off my mind
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Dec 8, 2021 11:31
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taiyoko posted:I feel a bit weird posting in this thread, because in almost everything, my parents are great. The thing is... I'm 36 and only this year put together all the clues that have led me towards having my primary care doc say, "yeah, that sounds like ADHD" after bringing up to her why I was thinking that. And I know it's way under diagnosed in girls, and especially for the inattentive type that I have. I've always done this too, and I very very likely have undiagnosed ADHD. The endless cycle of guilt/shame for being unproductive or avoidant because of big massive brain problems is exhausting My own parents are both probably ADHD candidates, but they are also both assholes ) I learned early to cry quietly because I learned that looking for help just meant I had to help THEM cope with my problem as well as coping myself. I had to essentially manage their emotional response before helping myself and who the gently caress has the time.
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Dec 15, 2021 19:45
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Picnic Princess posted:My husband and I are celebrating 23 years together today! He got me out of that lovely abusive home and made me feel truly loved for the first time. Looking back it all happened so fast, we moved in after about 9 months of dating, which is ridiculous for a couple 17 year olds, but we were one of the rare cases where it was the proper decision. I'm so grateful for him. I don't even want to think about how I would have ended up otherwise. Every post you make about how you escaped your horrible family of origin and met your husband is a joy and a delight to me. I am SO loving happy for you that you got the hell out of horror land.
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Jan 16, 2022 21:43
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The lost children thing bit really really hard for me. I've never been a victim of overt abuse, which I am so glad for, but the lifelong absence of support, of comfort, of anything anything approaching a healthy emotional environment is hosed up. I realised a few years ago that learning to cry silently as a child is a massive sign that no-one cares about how you feel. My mother is now a passionate vegan. It kind of hurts to hear her get upset about how animals are mistreated when she never ever bothered to bring us to the doctor/dentist after we got too old for it to be free. I don't even include my father in this, he's so detached from basic reality it's not worth the time to engage. If he is to be belived, our childhoods were blissful, he was a wonderful father, and any memories to the contrary are crazy delusions. He was in fact an extremely detached father, despite having ample time to spend with us, and a person who you could never actually talk to, because he treated every conversation as an exchange of anecdotes. If I told him about painful circumstance, he'd counter with some kind of mildly related incidence from his past. Pookah fucked around with this message at 07:56 on Feb 7, 2022 |
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Feb 6, 2022 21:20
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Ghost Leviathan posted:The thing is that narcissists can and do recognise situations where their behaviour will be judged and punished by people they don't have power over, and adjust their behaviour accordingly. It's like flipping a switch. This strikes very close to home, and I'd only add that on top of "judged and punished by people they don't have power over" you also commonly have "judged and devalued by people whose good opinion they still want to cultivate". I've seen this second scenario much more often than the first; if you were to ask the many acquaintances of the two I have to deal with, they'd 99% say they were the most cheerful, entertaining, charismatic people they knew. The lovely, selfish, abusive, steamrollering is reserved for close family - everyone else gets the charming mask.
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Jun 12, 2023 10:12
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The thing that drives me loving nuts about all these self-pitying narc parent accounts is that they always, always claim that their kids cut them off without any explanation - just POOF no contact. I can say with absolute conviction that those kids spent decades trying in a thousand different ways to get their parent/s to hear them, to loving SEE them, and they were dismissed. None of that stuff matters to the narc until an actual personal consequence happens, and then it's totally out of the blue and unjustified.
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Sep 14, 2023 20:28
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