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angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

No, I mean this week: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?week=120

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angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/c...ts.php?week=120

Armack
Jan 27, 2006

Corde pulsum tangite



That makes more sense. Ah well. That interprompt wasn't my best work anyway. No corpsefucking, no werewolves, no STDs, you know I probably should have spent more time on it.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Although I can forgive one of them because he's busy with other stuff and my story has a happy ending because it inspired me to write more crits the end...

Or is it?

ZeBourgeoisie
Aug 8, 2013

THUNDERDOME
LOSER


systran posted:

Interprompt

Write up to 5,000 words on why the judges from a few weeks ago, the week where all three failed to crit anyone, are all total poo poo.

On Judgement and Missing Critiques: An Introspective
Words: 1013

It has come to my attention that the judges of the 'Thunderdome' thread on the comedy forum website "Something Awful" have failed to deliver their promised critiques. As a gentleman who believes strongly in the growth of literary prowess through constructive criticism via peer review, this transgression will not go unnoticed. For example, consider the great Socrates who, while a great writer, was not born a great writer. This is due to the simple fact that human beings are not born with the innate ability to speak, write, read, or communicate in any meaningful way.

When one considers this fact, that humans do not come with innate communication abilities, one must ponder on the greater implications of human interaction and affairs. Take, for instance, the inability of other great apes to speak. While gorillas have been taught sign language, their ability to truly communicate is still hotly debated. There are many competing theories on why humans, in particular, are capable of speech. One such theory postulates that human females, huddled around the historical cave fires, invented language. However, more information is needed to confirm or deny this claim.

One must not dwell too deeply in such topics, for fear of getting into ‘biotruths.’

Alas, we must move back to the topic of the "Something Awful" comedy forums. Created in the year 1999, the forums were founded as the personal website of Richard C. Kyanka as a personal website. The site is unique in that it charges a fee of ten United States dollars to register a forums account.

It is my personal, albeit professional belief that the judges of this ‘Thunderdome’ competition ought to be criticized themselves for failing to maintain their duty of providing valuable feedback to the authors and content creators who have submitted their fictional work for scrutiny.

On the topic of fiction, it should be noted that the earliest stories in recorded human history are mainly of the genre of epics. Epics are long, narrative poems that tell the story of a hero who must achieve some form of goal, typically in the face of Gods or other supernatural advistories.

For an example of an epic poem, take Homer’s the Odyssey. Odysseus must return from war with the city state of Troy to Greece. However, for ignoring the help of the Greek god poseidon, he is punished in a variety of ways. Because I have not had high school English in over three years, and due to the fact that I do not have the desire to google a synopsis of the Odyssey, I will discontinue talking about this Hellenistic epic.However, I will leave this topic with the note that, in the film adaptation of the movie that I was shown in English class, I liked the cyclops scene.

Now, to get back on the topic of fiction writing. Fiction was typically written on a typewriter in the 1800s to the early 20th century. However, in this modern age, fiction and most other forms of writing are usually created with the aid of a text editor. Text editors, or word processors as they are often times called, are software applications that the user may interact with via a piece of hardware referred to as a keyboard. In fact, I am currently typing this essay on such a keyboard, currently installed into a laptop.

A laptop is a small computer designed to be portable, in contrast to bulkier, less portable desktop computers. Computers can find their history traced back to Charles Babbage, who created a device referred to as the Difference Engine. This machine was designed to calculate difference tables or some poo poo for British people and sailors.

Britain was colonized by the Anglo-Saxons in some far off year that I don’t freaking remember. British people are not American, and therefore they are often hated by Americans. While the British do hold different standards of dental hygiene, they do not universally have terrible teeth, as is the perception in America.

Despite being birthed to his mother in the American state of Alabama and currently residing in the American state of Ohio, this author does not condone American politics. However, these positions are reserved for another paper. Although I will say Republicans are, more or less, loving stupid, and gay marriage should be a thing because this author’s aunt is gay.

Now, allow my to return to the topic of the ‘Thunderdome’ on the internet comedy forums “Something Awful.” This author, having previously written a few fictional stories for this weekly flash fiction competition, believes, in his humble opinion, that the Thunderdome is an excellent outlet for aspiring new writers to come and be butt blasted with eyeball melting critique. Critique that was not provided on whatever week the forums user Systran.

However, I am getting reports from forums user Jitzu_The_Monk that a judge did give critique on this week that is possibly being thought of by Systran. However, he also claims there was no third judge on this week, which goes against the ‘OP,’ or original post of the thread which states that the number of judges shall be three, with the number five being right out. Still, I do not doubt the expertise of forums user Jitzu_The_Monk and will take what he says at face value, for rules were meant to be broken.

In regards to rules and law, the first written instance of legislature was the Code of Hammurabi, which called for death for many offences. This makes it similar, in some ways, to the laws of Draco when he governed the city state of Athens in Greece. In fact, the word Draconian derives from Draco’s name.

In conclusion, whatever the circumstances may be on the critiques that were or were not delivered in the Thunderdome, not delivering critique in such a group is what many would call ‘not cool.’

Still, it must be noted that there is definite doubt that critique was not adequately delivered. If this is truly the case in this situation, then I must end on a resounding “tsk tsk.”

I was gonna make it 5000 but jesus, gently caress that.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



An Ode To Judges Past and Future
5000 words

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sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk


haha yes my story loving owned that week crit me you worthless fuckpuppets

e: crabrock i'll trade ya

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

crits? ok

quote:

Ram Chowder, Chief Executive of RamCorp, i think that naming your company after your first name is kind of weird, imo lifted his coffee mug, hefted it in a beefy hand, and hurled it the length of the cherry and inlaid sandalwood boardroom table. It spun as it flew, pronoun antecedent says table flew leaving a comet trail of black coffee splatters, before impacting with a sullen thud on the irritatingly well-haired skull of Henry Skoggins, his VP in Charge of Being an rear end in a top hat; a position to which Chowder had mentally assigned him while the mug was still in flight. was hoping it was a real position

"gently caress you, gently caress your piss-weak lily-livered bullshit and gently caress that stupid tie trigger warning, i really, REALLY like ties.," said Ram. “Any more questions, or do we go ahead?”

All round the room the highly paid RamCorp executives stared intently at their unmarked yellow legal pads. head jumping, how does Mr. Chowder know they're all blank? Henry said something weak and blubbery from under the table and Ram nodded.

“It’s agreed: call Obama and tell him drilling starts next week. The polar bears can sit on their fuckin’ igloos and watch, we won’t stop them.” He pushed his chair back from the table in a sudden and explosive kung fu movement, standing up at the same time in a power stance he’d learnt from Bruce Lee, and, completely motionless, watched his executives file out, two of them dragging a blood-bathed Henry between them.

As the door closed silently behind Henry’s trailing John Lobbs, Ram spun round with a howl and drop kicked his chair across the room. God he loved board meetings, all those well-coiffed shitheads hoping for a touch of approval and never finding it, it was like being a goddam mother bird you need an n on goddamn coming home to the nest and telling your squawking hatchspawn lol to find their own fuckin’ dinner.

The phone rang as Ram was staring across the city, the sun’s last golden rays painting chiaroscuro traceries across the thrusting pillars of commerce and activity. “Chowder,” he said without looking round.

“Missster Chowder,” came a voice. It wasn’t one he recognised, and it warbled and wobbled like an old-fashioned tape recorder on its last legs. “Lisssten very ccccarrefully. I will say this only –“

Ram laughed, a bellowing gust of humour that bounced around the cavernous boardroom like a drunk trying to make it down the hallway in the dark. “Is this a ransom demand? Voice all disguised, hey? Got a proposition for me? Well let’s cut the song and dance, the answer’s no.”

“Missster Chowder you don’t understand we –“

“Short answer: no. Long answer, no: get hosed.” lol

“We have your son! He’s right here!”

Ram chuckled at the mewling cries; he recognised them from a family holiday he’d spent in the Azores a year or two back. Typical of the boy, he’d always been weak, scratching at the door while Ram worked. “He got himself into trouble, I’m sure he can get himself out of it. What do you want? I’m a busy man.”

“Your drilling will not be permitted! We have wired charges all down the –“

Ram picked up the phone and hurled it at the window; it burst in a spray of injection-molded Italian plastic and circuitry. is there a lot of injection molding factories in italy?

Weaklings, all of them. He had the strength to do what needed to be done, but at every turn he was weighted down with feeble hangers-on. He brooded for a moment. What to do, what to do.

Then he smiled. Striding over to his desk, he pulled out another phone, and hit the single button on its face with a firm finger.

“Henry; get me a goddam whore.”

i was hoping this would go on a little longer because i wanted to see him drill anyway but i have faith he will do the drilling, but still it would have been nice to see it.

crabrock fucked around with this message at Dec 8, 2014 around 06:36

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


A Story About People Doing Crits

I guess I'll just do it later. It's not like anyone cares

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

Crits.

Cache Cab posted:


A couple of people quite liked this story of yours. I was not one of them, but my fellow judge was. I didn't have you at DM level, but I didn't really like this story.

I'm dreaming of a Moons Over My Hammy
627 words


A moons? What the heck does that mean? This title is dumb.

I breathed a sigh of relief after I rolled the incendiary bomb through the slightly-ajar door, having never been a competent bowler, and I had been experiencing incredible amounts of pre-rolling anxiety, but everything went as planned.

This opening sentence/paragraph is bad. It is unwieldy. It is cumbersome.

I jogged back to the lawn where I’d left the others waiting after our late-night retreat from our motel room. "That should take care of the lot of them,” I said, and picked a spider leg out of my teeth.

Spider leg in teeth is kind of weird and makes no sense.

We set down our arsenal of shoes, fly swatters, and rolled-up magazines.

Johnny, who was both the youngest member of the impromptu spider-assault team at age 7 and covered in spider bites, rubbed his eyes and yawned. "What does ‘imcindry’ mean anyway?" he asked.

The device was given to me by my good buddy Dale when I'd called him up at 3am and said: "I need something to kill a lot of spiders, fast." I patted Johnny on the head. "You stupid, stupid child. Obviously it's poison."

These two paragraphs made me think the narrator was also a child, although later elements of the story seemed to disagree. Also, since the story is being told in past tense, I'd prefer Past Perfect or whatever that one's called for the description of where he got the device. Also, he has a bomb and it surprises him when it explodes? Que?

The explosion begged to differ. We were knocked off our feet by the shockwave and peppered with shards of glass. Flaming spider carcasses landed in the yard around us, giving me the worst case of "tight-butthole syndrome" I'd ever had. I let out a series of eeps and meeps as I (having been unconsentingly "stopped" and "dropped" already) rolled over the dewy grass in a futile attempt to ease the pain of the burning spiders fusing to my skin.

Non-consensually, perhaps. Also I don't like most of this sentence.

But the dead ones weren't cause for concern nearly as much as the ones that, recovering from their shock of jumping a few pegs up the evolutionary ladder straight to "bird," had begin scampering around. I'm talking eight little legs, each independently on fire, each dancing to their own rhythm, crawling every which way but back toward our erstwhile motel.

Or this one TBH.

Johnny, obviously failing to appreciate the gravity of the situation, laid motionless on the grass.

"Get up, you stupid child," I communicated to him with my voice and a thrown shoe. But the stubborn brat declined to move.

"Whatever, we can't wait here for him to decide to develop some semblance of unselfishness. We have to get to the extraction point." I cinched the buckles on my Rollerblades. "But that doesn't mean we can't go in style." I busted out a quick 720 to demonstrate my finesse on the bladed wheel, and the rest of the team enthusiastically or reluctantly (depending on your penchant for denial) grabbed their own pairs out of their bags. "See, aren't you glad I insist we pack them?"

Insisted. Also, I don't like these sentences either. Too self consciously zany.

We stood as a family, watching our home away from home burn to the ground, casually swaying on our wheels. The vacation to Florida was supposed to be relaxing, but I had straight-up Griswolded the thing.

I guess it's true that you get what you pay for, and that goes doubly for discount Christmas tree farms, where the employees look straight out of a Tim Burton movie and the trees look like they are straight out of a Tim Burton movie. So you mentioned the Tim Burton film twice, might've been better if you grouped together the two things that looked like they were out of the Tim Burton movie. The price seemed reasonable until the egg sacs started hatching.

Still, besides the burns and bites, it had shaped up to be a beautiful evening: the cracking of the motel fire, the gentle glow of neighboring eves as the conflagrated arachnids roosted in their new (albeit unbeknownst to them: incredibly temporary) nests, and I got to experience it all with my family. We held hands and my stomach grumbled.

"Extraction point had been changed to Denny's," I said.

Has?

We rolled down the street, hand in hand, silent but for the unoiled wheels of Sally's blades. We didn't need words to sum up the lessons of that night; Johnny is a horrible, selfish person, and next year: buy a fake tree.

Too many unnecessarily long words. A couple, no worries, but the amount you've got is just annoying. Also I feel like you used way too many colons.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

High marks for compassion, low marks for survival skills





A Rebuttal by docbeard
Some Words

Slow critting good critting.

Also my dog cat roommate spaceship ate my homework.

Also I've been deathly ill.*

Also I will get my outstanding crits from Week 120 done by this time next week**.

Also didn't Tyrannosaurus post some crits?

___
*This one is actually true.

**Except for that whiner systran's. Well probably even his, cos I liked that story.

J.A.B.C.
Jul 2, 2007

There's no need to rush to be an adult.


This disappearance of the Judges


I can't believe you haven't seen the connection yet. Mercedes recently brought a life into this world, and docbeard was the doctor to deliver it.

You want a beard doctor for your deliveries, after all. It ensures the baby grows up to have a magnificent beard, one that all will envy and cherish.

That's how it's going in my Thunderdome fanon and I won't deign to believe anything else.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

The Burden of Power

"I want to be Queen," Jasmin said arrogantly. "I want to decide what happens to people, because I know best."

"Hm," Weisszimmer, her most trusted advisor responded, "To decide someone's fate should not be taken lightly, and even the Queen must back up her actions with proper explanation."

"No, I will do what I want!" Jasmin whined.

"Ah," Weisszimmer chided, "If you imprison three men, but don't tell your subjects what they did wrong, then how will you expect others not to repeat their mistakes?"

"If they do what I say, they have nothing to fear," said the most arrogant and child-like Jasmin.

Weisszimmer surveyed the white room and swirled his glass of wine. He packed his pipe with more tabak, lit it, and took a drag. "Perhaps you will have others explain for you, while you take care of other important matters."

"Yes, exactly. A Queen doesn't need to subject herself to tedious administration, that is what the steam-powered K.A.I.S.H.A.I. (an acronym that contains not one, but two instances of the acronym 'A.I.') computator is for."

Weisszimmer said then, quite scathingly, "Then, you want all the power, but none of the responsibility? Perhaps you should re-evaluate your desire to be Queen. Only a fool volunteers for a job which they do not intend to actually do." He grinned then, quite smugly indeed.

Phobia
Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
MIAMI MUTILATOR
and the deranged degenerates who only want their
15 MINUTES OF FAME.


OCK.


systran posted:

Interprompt

Write up to 5,000 words on why the judges from a few weeks ago, the week where all three failed to crit anyone, are all total poo poo.

DON'T SUBMIT CALAMITY JANE FANFICTION FOR CALAMITY WEEK YOU WILL MAKE CHAIRCHUCKER CRY
369 words ()

Phobia sits in his room with the curtains wide, putting the finishing on his interprompt submission. He sits back in his chair, crossing his arms and smirking to himself.

"Oh boy," says Phobia, "I'm getting to rag on two veterans who have lives and cannot set aside several hours writing constructive criticism for two dozen lovely stories. Wow, I am so cool."

Just as he moves to hit post, he pauses. The air in the room has changed, he can feel it in his very soul. Immediately he feels the presence behind him, it's breathing labored. In excitement, in anger? It's hard to tell. The room begins to darken in an inky haze that not even the sunlight can penetrate. Phobia's breath catches in his throat, and he only exhales once his visitor speaks.

"Hello Phobia," says he, "It's been a week."

Phobia does not turn around. The boy already knows who it is. He sniffles, squeezing his eyes shut. He considers playing dead, if only to avoid that searing gaze. It is hopeless though. The figure feasts off his fear.

"Oh no," says Phobia "I-I'm sorry, I forgot, I'll get to it soon, I promise, it's almost done, I just hit a wall, please, you have to believe me, please, oh god, don't hurt me, please."

The figure does not pity Phobia. It hovers in the air, weightless, hunching over Phobia's quivering body. Bony fingers bore into his shoulder in a vice that Phobia cannot hope to escape from. The figure leans in, cold, numbing breath washing over the fool's ear.

"Hooooomewooork," says BadSeafood.

He lets go of Phobia, who promptly crumples into a ball of tears and snot. Seafood slivers back under Phobia's bed, where he will remain until Phobia's submission. What he does under there, not even Phobia is sure. Lying in wait, perhaps. Phobia imagines Seafood sleeping during the day, crimson eyes permanently gaping. It doesn't matter what he is doing, really. He's probably doing it with more craft than anything Phobia has produced in the past year. What is Phobia's deal anyway? He can't even do an interprompt without making it about himself. Man, what an rear end in a top hat.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

systran posted:

The Burden of Power

"I want to be Queen," Jasmin said arrogantly. "I want to decide what happens to people, because I know best."

"Hm," Weisszimmer, her most trusted advisor responded, "To decide someone's fate should not be taken lightly, and even the Queen must back up her actions with proper explanation."

"No, I will do what I want!" Jasmin whined.

"Ah," Weisszimmer chided, "If you imprison three men, but don't tell your subjects what they did wrong, then how will you expect others not to repeat their mistakes?"

"If they do what I say, they have nothing to fear," said the most arrogant and child-like Jasmin.

Weisszimmer surveyed the white room and swirled his glass of wine. He packed his pipe with more tabak, lit it, and took a drag. "Perhaps you will have others explain for you, while you take care of other important matters."

"Yes, exactly. A Queen doesn't need to subject herself to tedious administration, that is what the steam-powered K.A.I.S.H.A.I. (an acronym that contains not one, but two instances of the acronym 'A.I.') computator is for."

Weisszimmer said then, quite scathingly, "Then, you want all the power, but none of the responsibility? Perhaps you should re-evaluate your desire to be Queen. Only a fool volunteers for a job which they do not intend to actually do." He grinned then, quite smugly indeed.

u lookin to get "disappeared" son?

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


The Best Rebuttal

"I'll finish my crits all at once," said Mercedes, arms held straight up over his head with magnificent middle fingers stabbing the sky, "Little by little, you douche-drinking scum suckers." He moonwalked into the darkness until only his eyes and teeth were visible. "Babies are time-vampires, drat you."

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

Phobia posted:

YOU WILL MAKE CHAIRCHUCKER CRY

Immediately he feels the presence behind him, it's breathing labored.

ITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITS

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Phobia posted:

DON'T SUBMIT CALAMITY JANE FANFICTION FOR CALAMITY WEEK YOU WILL MAKE CHAIRCHUCKER CRY
369 words ()

Phobia sits in his room with the curtains wide, putting the finishing on his interprompt submission. He sits back in his chair, crossing his arms and smirking to himself.

"Oh boy," says Phobia, "I'm getting to rag on two veterans who have lives and cannot set aside several hours writing constructive criticism for two dozen lovely stories. Wow, I am so cool."

Just as he moves to hit post, he pauses. The air in the room has changed, he can feel it in his very soul. Immediately he feels the presence behind him, it's breathing labored. In excitement, in anger? It's hard to tell. The room begins to darken in an inky haze that not even the sunlight can penetrate. Phobia's breath catches in his throat, and he only exhales once his visitor speaks.

"Hello Phobia," says he, "It's been a week."

Phobia does not turn around. The boy already knows who it is. He sniffles, squeezing his eyes shut. He considers playing dead, if only to avoid that searing gaze. It is hopeless though. The figure feasts off his fear.

"Oh no," says Phobia "I-I'm sorry, I forgot, I'll get to it soon, I promise, it's almost done, I just hit a wall, please, you have to believe me, please, oh god, don't hurt me, please."

The figure does not pity Phobia. It hovers in the air, weightless, hunching over Phobia's quivering body. Bony fingers bore into his shoulder in a vice that Phobia cannot hope to escape from. The figure leans in, cold, numbing breath washing over the fool's ear.

"Hooooomewooork," says BadSeafood.

He lets go of Phobia, who promptly crumples into a ball of tears and snot. Seafood slivers back under Phobia's bed, where he will remain until Phobia's submission. What he does under there, not even Phobia is sure. Lying in wait, perhaps. Phobia imagines Seafood sleeping during the day, crimson eyes permanently gaping. It doesn't matter what he is doing, really. He's probably doing it with more craft than anything Phobia has produced in the past year. What is Phobia's deal anyway? He can't even do an interprompt without making it about himself. Man, what an rear end in a top hat.
Best Phobia submission thus far.

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Week 120
Part 1 of howeverthefuckmanytimesit'lltaketogetmethroughthisshit


ZeBourgeoisie

Going with the surreal I see. Boring start. “Then, without warning” is weak, along with “suddenly”. This story is seriously corny. I eyerolled when the stranger eyerolled. Halfway through and nothing has actually happened. I don’t know the point of this story. I don’t even know what to make of the ending.

JABC

Dammit, I hate the “Alright, let’s go through the story again” openers. It demands a certain type of prose; the story has to sound like the narrator is speaking it to you. I don’t feel you captured that feeling. Too verbose and too much description (especially for the third retelling) for the majority of the tale. The plot wasn’t strong enough to make me care at all for the character. Not to mention the twist at the end that it was probably his friend who did it was weak in its delivery. No tension. And if the MC was to take the fall, you could have done a better job in upping the stakes. Being talked at by the police doesn’t cut it, unfortunately.

Cacto

“Tony got up to have take a shower”. First sentence. Opening sucks, it’s so boring. Nothing besides the clumsy first sentence caught my attention. The whole story is riddled with clumsy sentences and extraneous descriptions that serve no purpose. Ending came without any lead up to it so I didn’t give two shits about the characters. At least you didn’t force me to read another 1k words.

blue squares

Look at that, erotica. Already, your opening had me turned off. My literary erection gone soft, flapping in the wind. But please, tell me more about your sexy producer’s erection! You… gently caress. Godamn you. How dare you sully Sesame Street with your poo poo. Words cannot explain how I hate this piece.

Fumblemouse

Thank God Fumble. I was about ready to claw my eyes out. The first opening that got my attention in a positive way. Unfortunately it didn’t pan out. Light on plot, heavy on action. And I don’t understand the ending. What I don’t really understand is the why. The writing is solid, but the story isn’t.

Entenzahn

Man, you have a thing with descriptions. Really well done explaining how Maxwell’s world twisted and went wonky. Very clear throughout. Now, how will you gently caress it up. Well, you didn’t, good for you! It was one long bad trip, and it read like a bad trip so you succeeded in that aspect.

Jitzu The Monk

Oh good, another bad trip story. Nothing exceptionally bad stands out, but Entenzahn did it better.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

Chairchucker posted:

ITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITS

'it's' is only ever short for 'it is'

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why didn't you invest in
Thunderdome?


Gau Home, blue Drunk Brawl - Judgement

blue squares posted:

Two Heads Are Better Than One

So this was a story, and I might even call it decent and not consider myself generous because it was fine really. There are some things holding it back, some tonal elements that don't quite mesh, like a Daiquiri made with bottled lime-juice. Sure the plebs don't know the difference, but I've been to some really fancy bars this year.

The beginning is a great example. Technically it's alright. You show me that the boy and his missing brother used to play make-believe together, and this delivers a whole bunch of information and foreshadowing at once. But the Savannah imagery? Doesn't fit. It's nothing to do with the setting, is never used again. Like an out-of-place simile it doesn't ruin the story, but picking something more fitting would have improved it.

Here's another thing I noticed:

blue squares posted:

“Leave him be,” Mom said. He waited a few moments, then stomped back inside. Before long I knew I’d hear them fighting about something else, muffled voices through the floorboards like Charlie Brown teachers. They refused to talk about Adam anymore, so they just yelled at each other instead.

I really want to like this, because in theory it's a simile that works on many levels (it helps the imagination of the sound and I can also believe that this is how Stan would see it, authority figures blathering on in the background). But the Charlie Brown teacher voice is really dull and limp and it doesn't quite work for the sharper noise of a shouting match, no matter how muffled. It's a different magnitude.

Moving on from the nitpicking, you have two very distinct parts in your plot and neither of them work as well as they could, and they also don't work together because there's two different kinds of horror.

The first part plays off the whole "boy disappeared and probably rots in the basement" angle. It's a bit slow and there's a lot of family dialogue and infighting that I don't care too much about because it's not as interesting as learning more of the boy's disappearance. I guess it goes well enough in painting the mood, but you harp on the same points so much that halfway through I'm sure Adam is dead and we're going to spend the next few thousand words screwing around until we stumble over his body. It picks up once you get to the actual basement. When Stan discovers Adam's left-behind knife I get really excited over the first clue we've just found, and the stench wells up and it's a creepy moment because I'm not sure what's going on anymore, just that there's some horrible secret here and something's actually wrong with Adam, despite Stan's hopes. That's the definite highlight of your story and a decent horror moment.

The second part is not scary at all and despite your attempted foreshadowing of an "orange smell" comes out of nowhere. I have no idea what these orange eyes are supposed to be, or where the boys are, or how the place works and I feel like you're just pulling stuff out of your rear end and hope it frightens me. Sorry, it doesn't. It's a monster that shows spooky things to boys. Adam cries a bit about how there's no beating it, but I have no idea what that actually means. He's been there all that time unable to fight back and he seems pretty fine apart from being scared of getting scared again. I guess part of the problem is also the description. Stan rattles off a list of images you, the author, think boys would consider scary and that's it. I don't feel their terror or danger.

So the first part was nice, down-to-earth and creepy, though slow. The second part took a U-Turn towards a big truckload of wtf with a monster that I thought was kinda lame. Two very different approaches to horror that don't work like this. Commit to one of them, or improve the foreshadowing and transitioning, or go for a more believable supernatural element.

The writing is competent and, as I said, the plot is technically complete. I like how they defeat the monster together by using their fantasy, which plays off the elements you've mentioned throughout your story, Stan & Adam's imagination and the fact that they are like brothers in arms who need each other. You introduce a problem in the beginning and you resolve it by the end, and it's a personal story about brotherhood with a protagonist that I can sympathize with and care about. So in that regard it's better than other brawl stories I've read and it might have won a straight-up fight. Don't beat yourself up over the forfeit. It's a deserved win.

Decent on line level, though I noticed a few unnecessary instances of "I heard/felt/saw" and some stuffy sentences.

Prompt fulfillment: The Youthful Innocence is an integral part of your story and well-implemented. The drunk skeleton/off-screen dishwasher are incidental. It was technically a horror story, though I don't think the climax was as scary as you wanted it to be.




It is implied nowadays that brawls are toxxes, and this is the reason. I don't think you knew about this new trend, and it's Christmas, and you've already lost your streak, so we decided that whatever. But now you know. Next time you brawl it better be a toxx. Bitch.



bluesquares wins obviously

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


Chairchucker posted:

ITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITS

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

but WHY does it sit?

Obliterati
Nov 13, 2012

Ask me about being the most Magnificent Bastard in EU4 Multiplayer.

crabrock posted:

but WHY does it sit?

Because it will not stand for such errors

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER



sebmojo posted:

'it's' is only ever short for 'it is'



Except when it's short for "it has".

Jonked
Feb 15, 2005

by exmarx


WEEK 122 JUDGMENTS

Well, that was certainly an... interesting experience. Apparently alcohol is intrisctinly linked to petty crime and twist endings in the minds of the Thunderdome. But what are you going to do? Like the morning hangover puke, let's start with the bad news first.

Ollyd3000, it's an unfortunate introduction to the Thunderdome, but you wrote an incoherent tale that rushed to a bedlam ending, and earned The Loss. Keep trying, though, really. As for ZeBourgeoisie and N. Senada, your stories failed to impress, and so you get the Dishonorable Mentions.

Crabrock, your slowly unwinding protagonist was delightfully twisted. Obliterati, your drunken man grenade was actually funny. You each earn an Honorable Mention. But unfortunately for you two, The Winner's tightly written story is the literary equivalent of Oscar bait. The throne is yours, Grizzled Patriarch.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

Quick preliminary crit for our newbieloser: judgeburps to follow, and I'll do some detailed crits for the first five that ask.


ollyd3000 posted:

Hello welcome to thunderdome have a nice day. This is bad in loads of different ways, but many of them are small and easily fixed. Focus on getting the small stuff right first, then move to the bigger and ultimately more important issues next, but right now there's no sign of careful reading here. You don't read, you can't write. Full stop.

Black Russian
Always put word count

A thin man in a black tuxedo glided through the living room and into the kitchen. this isn't a terrible opening line, but 'living room' and 'kitchen' are completely bland. pick a detail that tells me about them, don't just label the sceneHe swung open the liquor cabinet and mixed himself a Black Russian whilst never use whilst again, thanks, especially not next to the visually similar 'whistling' whistling a tune from La Boheme.

PARA BREAK HERE: PROOFREADING

“What a cold little hand! Let me warm it for you.,dialogue is punctuated comma, quotation mark, lower case continuation of the sentence he exclaimed after grabbing his wife’s hand.

PARA BREAK HERE: PROOFREADING

His wife snapped her hand back. “Don't be stupid Jerry.”

His wife stared coldly at their children and sighed. Her daughter sally NAMES CAPITALISED: PROOFREADING flicked from channel to channel while johnny NAMES CAPITALISED: PROOFREADING squealed and wriggled with an out HYPHEN: PROOFREADING stretched hand in protest.

The door bell rang and the man you've given him a name, use it found his way swiftly 'found his way swiftly' is a horrible way of describing his movement across the room. “hello, SENTENCES START WITH CAPITALS: PROOFREADING welcome, welcome, how do you do?”

A stern looking HYPHEN: PROOFREADING old woman peered around the door and into the room beyond, “Mr Smith I presume. I'm Agatha Cumberbatch, where are the children?”

“Oh yes, they're just over in the living room watching television, I'm sorry to hurry but we're running late as it is. We must head off.” NOONE TALKS LIKE THIS

Agatha gave a curt nod and headed with purpose into the living room and stood crookedly i cannot envisage how she is standing for the life of me in front of the television. The children's heads simultaneously bent to the left following Wile E Coyote to his inevitable end. arch, twee, yuck

“Excuse me, children!” exclaimed Agatha as she pulled the power cord mercilessly always cut adverbs unless it would change the meaning of the sentence: here it wouldn't, so cut from the wall. YOU DON'T NEED A LINE BREAK HERE: PROOFREADING “That is enough, come over here and introduce yourselves to me.”

“My name is Sally and I'm 9 and a half and this is my brother Johnny, and he's an idiot. Who are you and why did you turn off the television?”

“Listen to me young lady, your parents have left me in charge and I wont put up with any nonsense. Now sit down at that table while I organize an activity for you both.”

Johnny looked forlornly this adverb is tolerable, because the sentence would mean a slightly different thing without it back at the television as him and his sister made their way to the table. He knew that the wild bunch CAPITALISED GODDAM PROOFREADING was on soon. okay step back; what's happened so far? a babysitter has arrived, possibly kind of a bitch. you have ~1k words; you cannot afford to waste them like that.

***

“Your tiny nimble fingers are much better suited to the tricky bits than mine” Agatha decreed this is a 'said-bookism', and you use them a lot; in general just use said unless you have a reaaaally good reason. as the children got started on their task. what is their task please you never tell us

Johnny clumsily threaded a needle pricking himself how do you prick yourself threading a needle please and drawing blood immediately. “How long until we can watch television?” Johnny cried out

Agatha who had made herself a drink was sitting comfortably in the living room with her back turned to the children.

“I'm just getting a plaster” Johnny said in his sweetest voice. Agatha said nothing. Johnny carried his chair to the kitchen where the medicine cupboard was. He then don't use 'then' like this, if order of action isn't clear you're not writing well enough. grabbed two green sticking plasters and four blue pills that were covered in glad wrap. His mother usually took two at a time when she wanted to go to sleep so four would certainly work. He bobbed down below the kitchen bench and began crushing the pills with his palm it's a minor point but this seems very implausible why not have him do it with a spoon or something? Or you could have had him playing with something and reintroduced that? until they were powder. He then see prev note re then scraped it together in a pile and scooped the majority up into his hand. skipping unimportant details is a good way of highlighting the important ones. why does it matter he didn't get all the powder? it doesn't, cut.

“You're an idiot.” whispered sally NAMES ARE CAPITALISED GODDAMMIT PROOFREADING as johnny NAMES ARE CAPITALISED GODDAMMIT PROOFREADING crept past her heading for Agatha. Johnny crept towards the old lady as silently as he could. His heart began to race from the excitement well it's not from the meth now is it. Agatha was so focused on her knitting that she didn't even notice johnny NAMES ARE CAPITALISED GODDAMMIT PROOFREADING slip the powder into her drink and before long she was out like a light. CLICHE

Johnny glided through the living room and into the kitchen. He swung open the liquor cabinet emulating his father. “What a cold hand!” He sung mockingly as he poured himself a Black Russian. I think you think you're being clever here, but it really doesn't land at all

Johnny sipped at his drink and felt very satisfied with himself. A wave of euphoria began to wash over him. always double check 'began to' phrases, they're very cuttable; describe the action, don't place it in time like that unless it's crucial. He sat down and as he stared at his sister Sally flicking from channel to channel he began to scheme. He would never be able to watch the wild bunch NAMES ARE CAPITALISED GODDAMMIT PROOFREADING while Sally was around but with her out of the picture he would have complete freedom.

Johnny grabbed a handful of wool that was in Agatha's lap and wrapped REDUNDANT SPACE PROOFREADING it tightly around his hands. I thought he was sitting down? He crept towards Sally and flung his hands in front of her neck and pulled back as hard as he could. this is a ridiculous plot twist and makes the characters absurd cartoons with whom it is impossible to empathise without being funny or crazy in any waySally reacted quickly to the attack , comma, space: proofreading however, and held the remote up taking some of the pressure off her neck this is a very bland way to write action. The two children fell backwards violently 'violently' is telling, not showing; have them fall on something, smashing it or otherwise demonstrate the violence. Sally screamed and flailed her head around smashing Johnny in the face and causing his nose to bleed. He relaxed his choke hold and Sally broke free. “You stupid idiot!” She screamed kicking him repeatedly. Johnny reached around for anything near him that he could swing at Sally. Her kicks became harder and Johnny started to feel woozy. woozy is a terrible word, it's what you feel when you want a nanna nap, not when you're fighting for your (poorly justified) life Sally jumped on top of him. “You idiot! You idiot!” sally's a great character her dialogue really sparkles She was wilder than he had ever seen her. well duh. he's trying to murder her for no apparent reason. is this really important enough for you to tell us about the THRILLING CLIMAX of your dumb story. Johnny felt the cold surface of Agatha's empty glass that had fallen to the ground during the fight. He grasped it tight in his hand and swung it at Sally's head. The glass smashed on impact, knocking Sally out and cutting Johnny's hand. He lay back exhausted from the fight. “I did it! The television is mine!” stupid, dumb and ridiculous are all words that the impartial observer could apply to your story. the parents are irrelevant, the babysitter is a cartoon, your proofreading was non-existent, the story was nonsensical and worst of all it didn't have a word count. Stick around, you can learn stuff.

blue squares
Sep 28, 2007



Soiled Meat

Sebmojo I'd like one please. I thought my entry this week was my best.

Phobia
Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
MIAMI MUTILATOR
and the deranged degenerates who only want their
15 MINUTES OF FAME.


OCK.


Sure, Sebmojo. I'm a little antsy about my submission.

Chairchucker posted:

ITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITSITS
I am the worst person.

Obliterati
Nov 13, 2012

Ask me about being the most Magnificent Bastard in EU4 Multiplayer.

I'll take one!

J.A.B.C.
Jul 2, 2007

There's no need to rush to be an adult.


I'm back up to the unnoticeable middle! Also, crits are good.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


A crit would be very nice sebmojo.

Jonked
Feb 15, 2005

by exmarx


I'll be starting my crits with the Winners, Losers, DMs, and HMs, and then I'll hit everyone else after that. I'm not a fan of line-by-lines, but if you really want me to do one, I'll try to get around to it.

Ollyd3000
I'm not being facetious when I say you should keep trying. There's a gem of a madcap story about horrible, horrible people in your entry. That said, there are some major flaws in your story. You have a lot of grammar, syntax, and punctuation errors. It feels like a proof reading would have caught a lot of these. As it, it feels sloppy and slapped together.

The second main issue I see is that your language is overwrought. 'Agatha gave a curt nod and headed with purpose into the living room and stood crookedly in front of the television. The children's heads simultaneously bent to the left following Wile E Coyote to his inevitable end.' for example. I want you to read that sentence out loud. I want you to visualize what's happening in your mind. And then, I want you to re-write those sentences that are clearer, more concise, and more useful to your story.

Third, there's the general pace of the story altogether. It starts in a slow and disjointed manner that actively pushes the reader away - you spend the first half of your story introducing the parents, getting rid of the parents, introducing the baby sitter, and getting rid of the baby sitter. Then, once Agatha is out of the picture, everything jumps into overdrive with underage drinking and attempted murder. You've got these bits and flashes of atmosphere building, but you don't develop them, so the whole thing feels off. That's what I meant about bedlam - undeveloped bits of scenery that explode into violence, without the support to really make it work.

I know this is a harsh introduction, but really, what did you expect? This story desperately needed a rewrite, and you had the time to do it.

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




Thunderdome Week CXXIII: C'est Nes Pas une Nouvelle



This week, you're going to write me some surreal stories. I'm looking for an exploration of the contradictions between conscious and subconscious, stories that deliberately defy the rational. I'm not going to give you some restrictive textbook definition - Dadaism, magical realism, postmodernism, post-postmodernism, it's all kosher. Just don't be boring.

When you sign up, I'm going to assign you a plain, totally unremarkable situation. Your job is to turn that situation into something surreal. Take it anywhere your imagination desires.

Sign-ups Close: Midnight EST on Friday, December 12
Submissions Close: Midnight EST on Sunday, December 14
Wordcount: 1200

Judges:

Grizzled Patriarch
Bad Seafood
Kaishai

Entrants:

Phobia
Sitting Here
blue squares
Jonked
sebmojo
newtestleper
Boozahol
systran
Djeser
Paladinus
SurreptitiousMuffin
ZeBourgeoisie
Fumblemouse
QuoProQuid
crabrock
Clandestine!
Pete Zah
Your Sledgehammer
J.A.B.C
Nubile Hillock
Tyrannosaurus
Bad Ideas Good
December Octopodes
Kor
Broenheim
Entenzahn
theblunderbuss
Roguelike
Hammer Bro.
Baby Babbeh
Nethilia
Ironic Twist
curlingiron
Benny the Snake
Mercedes
Gau

Grizzled Patriarch fucked around with this message at Dec 14, 2014 around 15:19

Phobia
Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
MIAMI MUTILATOR
and the deranged degenerates who only want their
15 MINUTES OF FAME.


OCK.


yeah sure I'm in let's do this.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

This sounds cool and awesome, I'm in!!

blue squares
Sep 28, 2007



Soiled Meat

Intruiging

Jonked
Feb 15, 2005

by exmarx


I'm in.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

a tin of tomatoes perched on the firm red skin of a gargantuan tomato skewered on the spire of the Empire State Building, juice running down in bloody rivers

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newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


So in

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