Sham bam bamina! posted:

MGTen posted:

Betty calls 911 because the butcher is clearly having a stroke.

CommunistPancake posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R044sleOW6I

MGTen posted:

I get the joke. It just isn't funny because it makes no sense for someone to speak like that.

"Could I get some beef, Paul?"

"NO BLACK BETTY HAM OR LAMB"

I mean, best case scenario, the butcher is weirdly curt and pushy with his customers:

"No [beef], black Betty. Ham or lamb?"

But it really should be "No beef today, black Betty. Want some ham or lamb?"

But that doesn't match up with the song at all. Plus, Betty is wondering why she's going to a racist butcher that runs his store so poorly that he runs out of beef.

It's a complete failure of a joke.

Ape Has Killed Ape posted:

Every time you post I become more and more convinced that you are a literal wet blanket that somehow gained access to a computer and a credit card.

The Iron Rose posted:

Goons, what the gently caress do I do. I mean, obviously, but how the gently caress do I do that and still be able to sleep at night.

gentle pete posted:

I know it seems like a callous thing to say, but you're not responsible for her behaviour. You should read this - I found it really helpful when I was in a similar situationNear constant flatulence that has a smell so powerful to me that I risk cumming on particularly strong farts. In addition I can't hold them back for more than 10 minutes at most; if I try then it'll practically explode out my rear end, soil my pants a bit, and of course make me cream them like I was edging for a whole day.

The thing is, it becomes oddly easier to hold it if I somehow manage to keep them contained past that threshold point (I.e. industrial butt plugs) but if they're held in for over an hour I can't fart for a week. Instead, my cock farts instead of cumming (but the cum is still built up in my balls) and my body odor becomes my farts. My breath is of course foul to everyone but me. The result is if I hold it in too long, I become a perpetually aroused, sporadically ejaculating filth hound.

Vertical Lime posted:

https://twitter.com/susanslusser/status/700739586092183553

Tony Phillips posted:

What in the gently caress?

will_colorado posted:

Dodgers pitcher Josh Ravin suffered a broken arm in a car accident and tweeted a photo of it:

http://i.imgur.com/lY2CL8c.jpg

IcePhoenix posted:

"welp" ¯\_(ツ)_}

Murphy Brownback posted:

It was a thing back in middle/early highschool at least where I grew up. Not me personally, but if you ever interacted with theater kids/goths back then everything was potato this llama that. Basic "monkey cheese" stuff.

FAROOQ posted:

The potato famine was pretty hilarious

jodai posted:

No, it wasn't because there were no potatoes. Are you even paying attention?

Gatekeeper posted:

i was datin a nice single mama for a few months and one day I finally got to "meet" her small babby daughter and she was like "you wanna hold her?" and without really thinkin i just said "nah I can see it fine from here" and that was our last date, didn't really hear from her again lol

Trig Discipline posted:

There were a lot more that were already dead.

NObodiesGeek posted:

Amber rayne
You will be missed.
She sucked assholes
Got covered in piss.
Treated her veins
Like she treated her holes.
Stuffed full of pricks
And filled with hot loads.

Mr. Unlucky posted:

some goony bitch
no one cares about
not even bothering to rhyme
i can smell your neckbeard through the internet

MiracleWhale posted:

<lowers boner to half-mast>

Dagen H posted:

EB Nulshit posted:

I feel sick. I cried last night and this morning but I've been able to avoid that at work so far. She wants to talk again tonight but she's already told me she isn't happy and doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.

EB Nulshit posted:

And now she's asking if I want to go see Finding Dory tonight. She said if I don't want to then we'll have to reschedule "our talk".

A 50S RAYGUN posted:

i hate you, but i don't hate you enough for you to get dumped at finding dory

sweeperbravo posted:

i love when usernames come up in context. that's wonderful

Ghost Pea posted:

At first this made me very sad, OP, but think about it: Is it more sad to eat the food or to let it go in the garbage? When I was a child I imagined that my belly was "food heaven" where all the food would reform and join its friends and dance around in a lovely belly kingdom made of food.

Once my father told me to eat all of my peas but I didn't want to so he threw them in the garbage while telling me that they were very sad to go in the garbage. I have never forgotten how sad I was about it, so now I try to eat every speck of food on my plate every day. On the other hand, my mom tried to mitigate it by telling me that the peas would surely get eaten by seagulls at the dump and that they were going to a good cause to feed those hungry animals. It made me feel better, since surely the seagulls had their own food heavens too!

Rigged Death Trap posted:

PenguinKnight posted:

it was when a then mod had a meltdown about a funnyman's movie review for the front page Current Events and quit the forum forever

e: and then seeing reviews from said mod that said stuff about lady planes about a children's movie about what if planes could talk

vv: then that one dude that said that because the kid in the Lego movie was touching his dad's stuff without permission, the kid was essentially raping his dad

FlyinPingu posted:

don't all GBS superstar stories end up with them eventually being written as a super cool badass?

they all start out as some (arguably) funny stories and then they end as masturbatory wish fulfillment

Spuchuu posted:

Last year, I had to get somewhere fast. I know most of the shortcuts, so I opened a door and started climbing stairs. There's a security guy there saying "You can't go here." He was sitting in a chair and didn't bother to move to get in my way.

I stared flatly at him, showed him my badge (which had my name, photo and title) and said, "Can you read this? It means I'm more important than you. Stay out of my way." I hate being like that, but you have to be a dick to other staffers if you want something done at some of these cons.

Angry Bee Dance posted:

I look around, and no one else is there. I'm hoping my invisible friends have my back. This guy's got 6 inches and at least 50 pounds on me.

"Okay, sunshine," I imagine I said this with an obvious tone of disdain in my voice, "you've got about 12 seconds to get your lanky rear end in the room, or there's gonna be consequences."
"Like loving what, you little oval office?" I'm starting to get annoyed at this point.
"Well, put it this way: Room or gutter. Take your pick, dick head."
"You think you can take me! ME?! Little fucker, do you know who I am?!"

PBS Newshour posted:

The only good story is Heebie-GBS building his own record

PBS Newshour posted:

Check Byob

CaptainViolence posted:

groverhaus is one ladderless pool away from looking like literally everything I ever built in the sims

SpaceAceJase posted:

Why would you marry a tennis player? Love means nothing to them.

poisonpill posted:

Snatch Duster posted:

lmao im married and TOTES not an incel

but lmao, when i was in high school the guy i hated because he dated the chick i wanted bang was named chad

Chad's origins were humble, but consistent with his future character.

FogHelmut posted:

Literally knew a guy named Chad about 10 years ago who briefly got involved with our group of friends and banged every one of the girls in the group before moving away.

The legend of Chad rings with early conquests.

TheKennedys posted:

the only Chad I know is about 5'1" and he's dated the same 4'11" Korean chick for like a decade. his legacy at our old workplace was getting his head photoshopped onto things. ok that's my chad story, thanks

But beware the false Chad, who may use the name Chad to his own false purposes.

Buzkashi posted:

Time isn't real

Time posted:

Yes I am bitch

You Are A Elf posted:

A nagging dad is both a great username and a painful reality.

Pick posted:

Any time we try to have a discussion about dog dick rape eggs someone tries to start a tangent by dropping some weird gross poo poo like ted cruz

SLICK GOKU BABY posted:

1 week from today, thousands of people are going to travel to normally lovely areas of the country like Nebraska for the sole purpose of staring at the sun...

a hot gujju bhabhi posted:

if americans are that desperate to see something bright almost entirely consumed by an uncontrollable and uncaring force why dont they just look at their own future

Disgusting Coward posted:

I know a dude who had a miniscule, tiny part in an am-dram version of Rent (he was the policeman who says "Right") and he ended up getting a tattoo of "Lover, I'll Cover You" on his forearms and let a dog gently caress him and eventually had to get hospital treatment because he'd gotten fisted too bad.

Rent: Not even once.

sandoz posted:

who the hell sits down to play some rdr2 and 1. doesn't ask their partner if it's OK to take over the TV and 2. demands that their partner NOT watch them play

?????

Barudak posted:

The exact person for whom Rockstar programmed realistic horse testicle physics into the game

FilthyImp posted:

You can eat all the rear end you want, but at the end of the day, if you can't take happiness from your own rear end, then it's all for nothing.

3D Megadoodoo posted:

I checked, and it doesn't.

Literally A Person posted:

I would gently caress a tuba

You Are A Elf posted:

Quitting a job that I honestly loved and enjoyed, ruined by two toxic fuckers (the boss and his yes pet) that dragged the whole place down. Best decision I recently made.

pencilhands posted:

What happened? Sounds interesting.

Harvey Mantaco posted:

He quit a job that he honestly loved and enjoyed, ruined by two toxic fuckers (the boss and his yes pet) that dragged the whole place down. Best decision he recently made.

Space Kablooey posted:

Jim "coops up" the elevator in Dunder Mifflin by throwing a layer dirt on the floor, which is then followed by a number of chickens, some fence posts and chicken wire around it. When a chicken lays an egg Jim makes it into a egg sandwich which he then gives it to Dwight, saying that they have "Egg"sellent taste.

Dwight calls animal control.

poisonpill posted:

Jim answers the phone. "Hello, this is the Scranton animal control office. Chief Dog Catcher speaking, how may I help you?"

Applewhite posted:

Dwight tries to kill Jim with a pistol but Jim replaced Dwight's gun with a chocolate gun (a gun made out of chocolate, not a gun that shoots chocolate).

jazzyhattrick posted:

Dwight tries to kill Jim with a pistol but Jim replaced Dwight's gun with a chocolate gun (a gun that shoots chocolate, not a gun made out of chocolate).

jazzyhattrick posted:

Dwight tries to kill Jim with a pistol but Jim replaced Dwight's gun with a chocolate gun, a gun made out of chocolate, that also shoots chocolate.

To clarify, chocolate is the projectile that the chocolate gun fires, not the target of the chocolate gun. Well, not the exclusive target, it would be entirely feasible to use the chocolate gun to shoot chocolate at a chocolate target, should one present itself.

poisonpill posted:

Jim opens his mouth as Dwight shoots chocolate bullets at him. He catches and swallows them, then chokes out through a heavily bruised larynx “Talk about a perfect crime! I’ve driven my best friend to try to kill me, and gotten my just desserts!”

Dwight pauses a moment, then bursts into laughter. The two share a moment of levity and part as friends.

CaptainViolence posted:

do people generally pronounce it "essay-clopedia" or "sack-lopedia"?

That DICK! posted:

I stick it in the poopie

FreudianSlippers posted:

Way too much if you don't like olives far too little if you do.

ben shapino posted:

Oh wow she was kind of hot this whole time now she deserves our respect and attention!

Taeke posted:

I blame 90s and early 2000s movies for that mindset. At least eventually they did away with the whole "rape and sexual harassment is good actually if it's funny and/or the person learns a 'lesson'" that was especially prevalent in the 80s but goddamn a lot of movies and tv we grew up with were dogshit.

Gaius Marius posted:

Shepard's pie has no beef, the clue is in the name

Jen heir rick posted:

It's filled with shepards?

5TonsOfFlax posted:

I genuinely thought that the original unformatted ASCII was supposed to be Abe Simpson.

ChubbyChecker posted:

i thought that it was lenny