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  • Locked thread
Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Hundreds of authors. Thousands of stories. Over 4 million words. The blood the blood the bloo


Thunderdome 2012
Thunderdome 2013
Thunderdome 2014
Thunderdome 2015

CLICK HERE FOR CURRENT PROMPT

What is Thunderdome?

Thunderdome is a mean, bloody, no-holds-barred weekly flash fiction contest where the judges are harsh and the critiques are barbed. Itís a place for people who are ready to have the weakness and bad prose suctioned out of their bodies with a shop vac.


I'd like to sacrifice my lovely prose to the lovely prose gods. How do I participate?

Most wildly successful writers start by reading the goddamned prompt post. Generally, these self-starters will include a post that says ĎIní, or some such, to indicate their intention to write a story.

The prompt post will include indispensable information including, but not limited to, the signup deadline, the submission deadline, the allotted word count, and the prompt itself. Sometimes the prompt is a bit of abstract inspiration, sometimes itís a rigorous set of rules designed to challenge participants. Sometimes the prompt involves sparkly mermen, because letís face it, writers take themselves way too loving seriously.

Once youíve made your Ďiní post (by the signup deadline in the prompt post), itís your job to write the least terrible story you can think of by the submission deadline.

No editing your story once youíve posted it! As soon as you hit Ďsubmití, a massive orbital fist is aimed strategically at your rear end in a top hat. Anyone who edits a submission post gets a fistiní (and is disqualified for the week).

The winner of the week becomes the next bossjudge, and the cycle of futile suffering continues.


Who gives me my participation trophy?

Thunderdome judges may give out a number of mentions each week. There is always a winner, and nearly always a loser. Participants may also receive an honorable mention, if their story was in contention for the win, or a dishonorable mention if they barely avoided a loss.

Losers get a free avatar!



A note on losing: So, you hosed up, much to no oneís surprise. Anyone whoís lost will tell you, we all have that lip-quivering, misty-eyed moment of oh god, Iím terrible, I should quit writing forever!! While these are, to some extent, normal writer thoughts, itís important to remember that a loss in Thunderdome is not an indictment of your potential or capacity as a writer. You should be asking yourself, ďWhy did three people think my story sucked?Ē Giving up forever or screaming about how the judges just donít Ďgetí you are also options, but not advisable ones.

Thunderdome has generated more than 9,000 critiques, so even if you faceplant on your first entry, stick around! Someone will be more than happy to tell you exactly what you hosed up, and how to fix it. You probably wonít listen the first 30 times, which is why Thunderdome is a weekly flash fiction contest! You can bash your head against that brick wall as many times as it takes. Think of it as a sort of trepanation procedure for your terrible writing habits.

The judges will be there to shout at you every step of the way.


On Judging (Or: Oh god I won, what do I do???)

Ius Iudicis: Judgeís right, judgeís responsibility, judgeís law

The very first thing you should do as a brand new judge is read this page If you donít post the next prompt very soon after judgment, goons will make mean GIFs about you and generally shart up the thread like big lovely babies.

Judges should be prepared to read anywhere from fifteen to thirty thousand words in about two days. Itís not terribly hard, but this IS goon fiction youíre reading, so it will be heartily terrible. If you absolutely canít manage this, and have a very very good reason, you can probably abdicate your bossjudge duties to someone else. But why would you pass over the opportunity to make goonsí lives hell for a week?

Judges should also be prepared to give some sort of feedback in the form of critiques. Even just a few sentences will do, though more elaborate, thoughtful critique is always welcome.

Please participate in at least a few weeks of Thunderdome before you offer to co-judge.

And finally,

quote:

Three shalt be the number of judges, and the number of judges shall be three.
Four shalt not judge, nor either shall those judging number two, excepting that thou then include a third.
Five is right out.


Iím a dumb baby who knows everything about nothing, who can I pester with more questions?

Lots of fun stuff, including some judging, happens over IRC. We have a few rules.

  • The channel is for Thunderdome participants. We donít mind curious folks popping in to say hello, but if you havenít ever signed up for Thunderdome and donít plan to do so in the near future, itís probably not the channel for you.
  • Writing a single, token entry and then lurking the channel forever and ever will probably earn you a kick, eventually.
  • Donít be a lovely idiot. Donít creep on anyone.

You can find us in #Thunderdome on SynIRC. You can also PM Sittinghere over IRC if you have any questions.


Whatís some other important poo poo Iím going to forget/ignore??

  • DONíT RESPOND TO CRITIQUES IN THIS THREAD! If you really want to talk shop about a Thunderdome entry, move the discussion to either the Fiction Advice thread or the Fiction Farm.

  • Funny shitposting is welcome. Unfunny shitposting is just unfunny shiposting, donít do it!!

  • Part of Thunderdome is the idea of kayfabe. While you certainly donít have to participate in it, a bit of showmanship now and then keeps things fun and shows us just how brassy your balls are. Also, it keeps us from crawling too far up our own asses.

  • Whining, griping, blithering and dithering are all frowned upon. Do not be a blubbering unweened tittybaby. Take your lumps and learn from them.

  • No fanfiction or erotica unless you want to be mercilessly ridiculed forever and ever.

  • Donít post a preface to your story. Your submission post should contain your title, your word count, and a story. Sometimes judges will ask you to include your prompt before your story (or, for example, if you got any flashrules).

  • Do NOT post your story in quote tags. I have no idea why people do this, but they do, and itís bad.

  • If you fail to submit, consider ing next time you sign up. This isnít a rule, but it will make you seem slightly less like a terrible failure.

  • Most things in Thunderdome are flexible and open to interpretation, much like writing! Iíve outlined the rules of the thread to get you started, but one of Thunderdomeís creeds is ďDo what you will, and face the consequences.Ē

  • IMPORTANT NOTE: Once the thread gets goldmined, there is no way to remove your stories. In some cases, this could make them ineligible for publication. Please remove any stories you might want to publish from the thread before the end of the calendar year, because once we close it, thereís no take-backsies.

Sitting Here fucked around with this message at Dec 28, 2016 around 05:27

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Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

sebmojo posted:

on brawling by sebmojo



brawling what so someone said something mean about your personal hygiene, sex-bits or maybe even your story and your bottom lip is doing that quivery thing and you feel like you canít go a single second more without punching a motherfucker? thunderdome has just the thing. have a seat. donít mind the lymph-spikes, they only hurt going in.

you canít fight here itís the Thunderdome when two people hate each other very much, and one of them is you, you get to slap down a challenge. make it big, make it brassy; youíre slapping your balls down on the bar, try and make Ďem bounce a little.

help someone's slapped me with something help accepting brawl challenges isnít required, but if youíre the sort to sling the poo poo around (and thatís a fine sort to be) then failing to back up your bad words with good ones will be remembered. once youíve thrown down a challenge, and had it accepted, a brawl judge will step up just like that weird bartender in The Shining. theyíll give you a prompt, a word count and a deadline. theyíll also, and this is real important, state the . this means if you fail to submit by the deadline then you get banned. the judge doesnít need to give you an extension.

what do you mean banned brawl toxxes arenít obligatory, but they are expected. if youíre actually a literal secret agent and youíve just discovered youíre parachuting into Syria in two hours time then get on irc, snivel at your judge and maybe theyíll remove the toxx from the prompt, but expect that to be a one-time mercy if you gently caress it up.

anything else?
  • donít challenge anyone until youíve done a few rounds, good grudges take time to fester
  • donít step up to judge a brawl unless youíve at least got an HM or the participants have asked you to
  • declining a random drive-by brawl is more acceptable than one with a grudge behind it. this place runs on words, and hatred, and you gotta fuel the fire

is that it yes, fight well you horrible monsters

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Assembled for Your Convenience: The Thunderdome Archive!

Once upon a time, two Thunderdome veterans who shared a fondness for records, a fascination with statistics, and a touch of OCD conceived the greatest project ever imagined: the Thunderdome Archive, where everyone's literary shame could be displayed forever. crabrock bought a domain and used his mastery of code to make all his visions come true. Kaishai assisted him by trawling the threads for prompts, stories, and relevant .gifs. Together they continue to fight the crime that is data loss.

The Archive's purpose is to store the over five million words of creative effluvium written for TD to date. If you want to make use of it to the fullest degree (which includes reading the stories), you'll need an account, which you can request through the link at the top left of the page.

Note that accounts are open to participants only. If you're desperate to read about Vorpal Drones and vambraces at sea without having to search the threads, you must first shed blood.

We have graphs!




We have lists and rankings!







We have mad libs!



(Please read "Rural Rentboys," Thunderdome's most beloved classic, to understand 2016teen and to reach true spiritual enlightenment.)


And much, much more! Visit the Thunderdome Archive today!

Kaishai fucked around with this message at Dec 31, 2016 around 05:35

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Past Weeks of Thunderdome, 2012-2015
pre:
Week		Title								Winner		
I		Man Agonizes Over Potatoes					Sitting Here
II		Dystopian Chick-Lit						budgieinspector
III		Check Your Cis Privilege in Swaziland				sebmojo
IV		last man in the moon						toanoradian
V		Gary Numan, Fucksticks						Nyarai
VI		VI: Week Six: It Rhymes with Dicks				SurreptitiousMuffin 
VII		The goons who lose will pay the highest price			budgieinspector (II)
VIII		Martello's Girlfriend Said, "I'm late!"				Y Kant Ozma Post
IX		Old Sex/Lawn Sounds						sebmojo (II)
X		THE DARK LORD'S CORNFLAKES					Sitting Here (II)
XI		Betrayal, by Zdzislaw BeksiŮski					Jeza
XII		Hateful Protagonist						Fanky Malloons
XIII		Real Natural Horror, Bitches					Toaster Beef
XIV		You Shouldn't Be Here						Sitting Here (III)
XV		Sharp Vision Soothes Strong Reaction				LordVonEarlDuke
XVI		Oh the weave we web						Sitting Here (IV)
XVII		I Don't Know You						V for Vegas
XVIII		Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves
A		Round One							Res|ults
B		Round Two							sebmojo (III)
XIX		How Deep is my Fuckin' Love					Peel
XX		Face Your Destiny						The Saddest Rhino
XXI		Welcome to My Sensorium						Fanky Malloons (II)
XXII		Schroedingerís Nihilarian					sebmojo (IV)
XXIII		DIE FOR YOUR POETRY						twinkle cave
XXIV		Keyboard Kings							Capntastic
XXV		What They Deserve						STONE OF MADNESS
XXVI		THUNDERDOME RADIO RADIO RADIO!					sebmojo (V)
XXVII   	There is only PAIN						EchoCian
XXVIII  	Show me the love!						Kaishai
XXIX		Written in the Stars						sebmojo (VI)
XXX		We're 30 / Time to get dirty / LET US gently caress			Oxxidation
XXXI		Russian Nesting Dolls						Some Strange Flea
XXXII		Playing Angry Birds on a Derailing Train			Fanky Malloons (III)
XXXIII		The Ides of Marx						Nubile Hillock
XXXIV		No dragonshirts at the club					systran
XXXV		Pictures and Books						Sitting Here (V)
XXXVI   	Polishing Turds							Dr. Kloctopussy
XXXVII  	Professional Excellence						systran (II)
XXXVIII 	Mandatory Thunderbrawls						Nikaer Drekin, Nubile Hillock (II), and Fumblemouse
XXXIX   	Lurid & Astounding Tales of Pulp Submissions			Kaishai (II)
XL		Poor Richard's Thundervision					Bad Seafood
XLI		Get Everybody and Stuff Together				Noah
XLII		Been Called Worse by Better					crabrock
XLIII		He's Dead, Horatio						Oxxidation (II)
XLIV		Old Testament Studies with Chairchucker				sebmojo (VII)
XLV		That Prisoners Call the Sky					Fumblemouse (II)
XLVI		A Child's Garden of WTF						Kaishai (III)    
XLVII		The Rule of Three						Sitting Here (VI)
XLVIII		Sitting Here is a Lazy Stoner					V for Vegas (II)
XLIX		You Have Chosen...Poorly 					Kaishai (IV)
L		Fifty Shades of Thunderdome					Anathema Device
LI		We Told You So							Umbilical Lotus
LII		Cyberblaxploitation Anniversary					Fumblemouse (III)
LIII		The Horrors of History						Noah (II)
LIV		Petty Politics							The Saddest Rhino (II)
LV		School of a Certain Trade					Sitting Here (VII)
LVI		Keyhole Views							Didja Redo
LVII		No Characters Allowed						Zack_Gochuck
LVIII		Seeing vs Seen							systran (III)
LIX		Write Where You Live						Kaishai (V)
LX		The Case of the Regrettable Entries				Erogenous Beef
LXI		Twisted Traditions						crabrock (II)
LXII		Thunderdome Against Humanity					Fumblemouse (IV)
LXIII		Who finds short shorts unbearably depressing?			Sitting Here (VIII)
LXIV		Dead or Alive							Echo Cian (II)
LXV		Songs We Were Singing						Kaishai (VI)
LXVI		Know When to Fold 'Em						Quidnose
LXVII		Lions and Tigers and Bears					Erogenous Beef (II)
LXVIII		Once Upon A Crime						Fumblemouse (V)
LXIX		Good, Giving and Game						Jeza (II)
LXX		"And what did you see, my darling young one?"			God Over Djinn
LXXI		A way with words						foutre
LXXII		big as poo poo							crabrock (III)
LXXIII		My God It's Full of Starfish					Roguelike
LXXIV		Y Tu Thunderdome!?						sentientcarbon
LXXV		He's Not Quite Dead						Peel (II)
LXXVI		The Mystery of the Finite					God Over Djinn (II)
LXXVII		Well gee, that's certainly something				Tyrannosaurus
LXXVIII		Past Glories							Kaishai (VII)
LXXIX		Periodic Stories of the Elements				God Over Djinn (III)
LXXX		"Why don't you ask your huge cock?"				Erogenous Beef (III)
LXXXI		Chairchucker's LEGO prompt about LEGO for people who like LEGO	systran (IV)
LXXXII		Captain Thunderdome						Oxxidation (III)
LXXXIII		Comma, Noun, Verb						Kaishai (VIII)
LXXXIV		Who You Gonna Call?						Bad Seafood (II)
LXXXV		Ground Control to Major Tom					WeLandedOnTheMoon!
LXXXVI		Have You Seen My Trophy?					HopperUK
LXXXVII		Touched by a Thunderdome					Fumblemouse (VI)
LXXXVIII	The Wise Fool							Nethilia
LXXXIX		We Don't Need No Water, Let The drat Roof Burn			curlingiron
XC		Down With the Sickness						theblunderbuss
XCI		OUR FINEST HOUR							Tyrannosaurus (II)
XCII		The Great White Elephant Gift Exchange!				Meeple
XCIII		The wind is rising, so we must try to live			Meinberg
XCIV		TRULY ALIEN							Sitting Here (IX)
XCV		Inhuman Centipede						Tyrannosaurus (III)
XCVI		Free to a good home!						docbeard
XCVII		Neither Tarnished Nor Afraid					Kaishai (IX)
XCVIII		Music of the Night						Anomalous Blowout
XCIX		COME TO YOUR SENSES!						crabrock (IV)
C		The Black Attache Case						Various
CI		WAR								Tyrannosaurus (V)
CII		B-I-N-G-O							Echo Cian (III)
CIII		Pacifist Run							Entenzahn
CIV		THE VERY 'BEST' OF THUNDERDOME					docbeard (II)
CV		Book One							SurreptitiousMuffin (II)
CVI		VH1 presents: Behind the Goon[sic]				Tyrannosaurus (VI)
CVII		STAY OUT OF THE MARSH						Kaishai (X)
CVIII		The Dewey Decimal System					Grizzled Patriarch
CIX		Attack of the Clones						sebmojo (VIII)
CX		cleaning up the streets						Fanky Malloons (IV)
CXI		FOLK ALL Y'ALL							Entenzahn (II)
CXII		Attack of the Graphophobes					SurreptitiousMuffin (III)
CXIII		OK YOU ASKED FOR IT SUCKERS					crabrock (V)
CXIV		Missed Catnections						Kaishai (XI)
CXV		The Eleventh Hour						Sitting Here (X)
CXVI		Today in Technicolor						crabrock (VI)
CXVII		Tired of your poo poo						Kaishai (XII)
CXVIII		If on a Winter's Night a Fire					Chairchucker
CXIX		Oh!  Calamity!							Tyrannosaurus (VII)
CXX		You Can't Jump a Fence Without Knowing Where the Sun Sets	Sitting Here (XI)
CXXI		Pet Words							Jonked
CXXII		Bar-back							Grizzled Patriarch (II)
CXXIII		C'est Nes Pas une Nouvelle					Tyrannosaurus (VIII)
CXXIV		god have mercy							Grizzled Patriarch (III)
CXXV		Thunderdome is Coming to Town					Kaishai (XIII)
CXXVI		Auld Lang Syne							Anomalous Blowout (II)
CXXVII		DOMIN' ALL OVER THE WORLD					Maugrim
CXXVIII		BLACK METAL WEEK						crabrock (VII)
CXXIX		Those We Loved							Nethilia (II)
CXXX		Twice Told Tales of Magic and Sparkles				Echo Cian (IV)
CXXXI		At the Crossroads						Entenzahn (III)
CXXXII		economy of prompt						Fumblemouse (VIII)
CXXXIII		The Gods of Thunderdome						Ironic Twist
CXXXIV		Run Domer Run							crabrock (VIII)
CXXXV		THEY MIGHT BE FULL OF REGRET					Grizzled Patriarch (IV)
CXXXVI		Famous Last Words						newtestleper
CXXXVII		A Picture is Worth rand( ) % 1500 words				Grizzled Patriarch (V)
CXXXVIII	Aaahh!!! Real Monsters						Broenheim
CXXXIX		Well gently caress Me Then						God Over Djinn (V)
CXL		Who do you think you are?					Grizzled Patriarch (VI)
CXLI		"Three May Keep a Secret, If Two of Them Are Dead"		Sitting Here (XII)
CXLII		BUT MOM, A WIZARD DID IT					Dr. Kloctopussy (II)
CXLIII		Smells Like Dome Spirit						Kaishai (XIV)
CXLIV		Doming Lasha Tumbai						crabrock (IX)
CXLV		"You gonna finish that?"					Djeser and Sitting Here (XIII)
CXLVI		The Ones You Hate to Love					Tyrannosaurus (IX)
CXLVII		The Tragedy of Shakespeare Descending				Thranguy
CXLVIII		Gambling Degenerates						docbeard (III)
CXLIX		Thrilling Adventure!						theblunderbuss (II)
CL		Everything Old is New Again					Ironic Twist (II)
CLI		Rewriting the Books						Sitting Here (XIV)
CLII		Rhymes with Red, White, and Blue				Bad Seafood (III)
CLIII		Gather Your Party						curlingiron (II)
CLIV		Naturally Unnatural						docbeard (IV)
CLV		IT'S TOO drat HOT						Tyrannosaurus (X)
CLVI		LET'S GET hosed UP ON LOVE					WeLandedOnTheMoon! (II)
CLVII		BOW BEFORE THE BUZZSAW OF PROGRESS				Obliterati
CLVIII		...LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS						sebmojo (IX)
CLIX		SINNERS ORGY							Tyrannosaurus (XI)
CLX		Spin the wheel!							Thranguy (II)
CLXI		Negative Exponents						sebmojo (X)
CLXII		The best of the worst and the worst of the best			Dr. Kloctopussy (III)
CLXIII		YOUR STUPID poo poo BELONGS IN A MUSEUM				Morning Bell
CLXIV		I Shouldn't Have Eaten That Souvlaki				Kaishai (XV)
CLXV		Back to School							Dr. Kloctopussy (IV)
CLXVI		Comings and Goings						Ironic Twist (III)
CLXVII		Black Sunshine							Morning Bell (II)
CLXVIII		She Stole My Wallet and My Heart				Kaishai (XVI)
CLXIX		Thunderdome o' Bedlam						crabrock (X)
CLXX		Cities & Kaiju							WeLandedOnTheMoon! (III)
CLXXI		The Honorable THUNDERDOME CLXXI					crabrock (XI)
CLXXII		Thunderdome Startup						Kaishai (XVII)
CLXXIII		Pilgrim's Progress						Fumblemouse (IX)
CLXXIV		Ladles and Jellyspoons						Sitting Here (XV)
CLXXV		Speels of Magic							Benny Profane
CLXXVI		Florida Man and/or Woman					Grizzled Patriarch (VII)
CLXXVII		Sparkly Mermen 2: Electric Merman Boogaloo			Entenzahn (IV)
CLXXVIII	Iím not mad, just disappointed					Grizzled Patriarch (VIII)

Kaishai fucked around with this message at Jan 4, 2016 around 21:33

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Past Weeks of Thunderdome, 2016
pre:
Week		Title								Winner		
CLXXIX		Strange Logs							Ironic Twist (IV)
CLXXX		Maybe I'm a Maze						God Over Djinn (VI)
CLXXXI		We like bloodsports and we don't care who knows!		Ironic Twist (V)
CLXXXII		Domegrassi							Boaz-Jachim
CLXXXIII	Sorry Dad, I Was Late To The Riots				Thranguy (III)
CLXXXIV		The 2015teen Great White Elephant Prompt Exchange		Ironic Twist (VI)
CLXXXV		Music of the Night, Vol. II					crabrock (XII)
CLXXXVI		Giving away prizes for doing f'd-up things			Titus82
CLXXXVII	Lost In Translation						Ironic Twist (VII)
CLXXXVIII	Insomniac Olympics						anime was right
CLXXXIX		knight time							Grizzled Patriarch (IX)
CXC		Three-Course Tale						crabrock (XIII)
CXCI		We Talk Good							sparksbloom
CXCII		Really Entertaining Minific					Sitting Here (XVI)
CXCIII		the worst week							Kaishai (XVIII)
CXCIV		Only Mr. God Knows Why						Daphnaie
CXCV		Inverse World							Ironic Twist (VIII)
CXCVI		Molten Copper vs. Thunderdome					Thranguy (IV)
CXCVII		Stories of Powerful Ambition and Poor Impulse Control		Tyrannosaurus (XII)
CXCVIII		Buddy Stuff							dmboogie
CXCIX		EVERYBODY KNOWS poo poo'S hosed					Grizzled Patriarch (X)
CC		Taters Gonna Tate Fuckers					Noah (III) and Kaishai (XIX)
CCI		Old Russian Joke						Benny Profane (II)
CCII		THUNDER-O-S!							spectres of autism
CCIII		MYSTERY SOLVING TEENS						Tyrannosaurus (XIII)
CCIV		Hate Week							SurreptitiousMuffin (IV)
CCV		the book of forbidden names					Djeser (II)
CCVI		WHIZZ! Bang! POW! Thunderdome!					The Cut of Your Jib
CCVII		Bottle Your Rage						SurreptitiousMuffin (V)
CCVIII		Upper-Class Tweet of the Year					Sitting Here (XVII)
CCIX		WHAT DO YOU GET A DOME THAT HAS EVERYTHING??			Jitzu_the_Monk
CCX		Crit Ketchup Week						Ironic Twist (IX)
CCXI		Next-Best Friend Week						Tyrannosaurus (XIV)
CCXII		Vice News							Thranguy (V)
CCXIII		Punked Out							The Saddest Rhino (III)
CCXIV		THUNDERDOME ALL-STAR TRIBUTE					PALE SPECTRES (II)
CCXV		El sueŮo de la razůn produce el Thunderdome			Oxxidation (IV)
CCXVI		Historical Redemption (or: Sin, Lizzie)				SurreptitiousMuffin (VI)
CCXVII		SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIORS, ATTACK!				The Cut of Your Jib (II)
CCXVIII		Duel Nature							SurreptitiousMuffin (VII)
CCXIX		coz wer goffik							Sitting Here (XVIII)
CCXX		Enter the Voidmart						newtestleper (II)
CCXXI		The Escape of the Bad Words.					flerp (II)
CCXXII		Deliver Us From Bad Prompting					sparksbloom (II)
CCXXIII		Dear Thunderdome						Boaz-Jachim (II)
CCXXIV		I Wanna Dome You Like An Animal					Sailor Viy
CCXXV		Pick A Century							Okua
CCXXVI		Viking Wisdom							Hawklad
CCXXVII		It was a Dark and Stormy Night....				steeltoedsneakers
CCXXVIII	Unqualified							Erogenous Beef (IV)
CCXXIX		The War, on Christmas						sebmojo (XI)
CCXXX		Slaying the Cursed Yearking					QuoProQuid

Kaishai fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2017 around 04:50

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Thunderbrawls of 2016
pre:
Thunderbrawl 164 by Mercedes:  Sitting Here vs. Broenheim vs. Entenzahn vs. Schneider Heim vs. klapman vs. Fuschia tude
Round 1			Sitting Here

Thunderbrawl 165 by Sitting Here:  Thranguy vs. spectres of autism
Round 1			Thranguy

Thunderbrawl 166 by crabrock:  C7ty1 vs. Broenheim
Round 1			C7ty1

Thunderbrawl 167 by Ironic Twist:  God Over Djinn vs. SurreptitiousMuffin
Round 1			God Over Djinn

Thunderbrawl 168 by Broenheim:  Sitting Here vs. Grizzled Patriarch
Round 1			Sitting Here

Thunderbrawl 169 by sebmojo:  spectres of autism vs. flerp
Round 1			spectres of autism

Thunderbrawl 170 by crabrock:  Sitting Here vs. Ironic Twist
Round 1			Ironic Twist

Thunderbrawl 171 by sebmojo:  Carl Killer Miller vs. newtestleper
Round 1			newtestleper

Thunderbrawl 172 by flerp:  spectres of autism vs. Djeser
Round 1			Djeser

Thunderbrawl 173 by Sitting Here:  sebmojo vs. SurreptitiousMuffin
Round 1			sebmojo

Thunderbrawl 174 by newtestleper:  Carl Killer Miller vs. sebmojo
Round 1			sebmojo

Thunderbrawl 175 by sebmojo:  flerp vs. Titus82
Round 1			flerp

Thunderbrawl 176 by Entenzahn:  Jitzu_the_Monk vs. sparksbloom
Round 1			Jitzu_the_Monk

Thunderbrawl 177 by Ironic Twist:  Entenzahn vs. Sitting Here
Round 1			Sitting Here

Thunderbrawl 178 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  The Saddest Rhino vs. Thranguy
Round 1			Thranguy

Thunderbrawl 179 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  sebmojo vs. newtestleper
Round 1			newtestleper

Thunderbrawl 180 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  Ironic Twist vs. dmboogie
Round 1			dmboogie

Thunderbrawl 181 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  spectres of autism vs. Maugrim
Round 1			spectres of autism

Thunderbrawl 182 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  curlingiron vs. Titus82
Round 1			curlingiron (by default)

Thunderbrawl 183 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  Oxxidation vs. Entenzahn
Round 1			Entenzahn

Thunderbrawl 184 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  Morning Bell vs. Dr. Kloctopussy
Round 1			Morning Bell

Thunderbrawl 185 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  Carl Killer Miller vs. sparksbloom
Round 1			sparksbloom

Thunderbrawl 186 by flerp:  Obliterati vs. Screaming Idiot
Round 1			Screaming Idiot

Thunderbrawl 187 by Boaz-Jachim:  Chili vs. ZeBourgeoisie
Round 1			Neither

Thunderbrawl 188 by sebmojo:  Black Griffon vs. newtestleper
Round 1			Black Griffon (by default)

Thunderbrawl 189 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  curlingiron vs. Entenzahn
Round 1			curlingiron

Thunderbrawl 190 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  newtestleper vs. dmboogie
Round 1			newtestleper

Thunderbrawl 191 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  spectres of autism vs. Morning Bell
Round 1			spectres of autism

Thunderbrawl 192 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  Thranguy vs. sparksbloom
Round 1			Thranguy

Thunderbrawl 193 by Ironic Twist:  God Over Djinn vs. flerp
Round 1			flerp

Thunderbrawl 194 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  curlingiron vs. spectres of autism
Round 1			spectres of autism

Thunderbrawl 195 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  newtestleper vs. Thranguy vs. Sitting Here
Round 1			Thranguy

Thunderbrawl 196 by flerp:  spectres of autism vs. God Over Djinn
Round 1			God Over Djinn

Thunderbrawl 197 by sebmojo:  Tyrannosaurus vs. Jonked
Round 1			Tyrannosaurus

Thunderbrawl 198 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  Thranguy vs. PALE SPECTRES
Round 1			PALE SPECTRES

Thunderbrawl 199 by crabrock:  sebmojo vs. Entenzahn
Round 1			sebmojo

Thunderbrawl 200 by Chili:  Jitzu_the_Monk vs. curlingiron
Round 1			curlingiron

Thunderbrawl 201 by curlingiron:  PALE SPECTRES vs. Sitting Here
Round 1			Sitting Here

Thunderbrawl 202 by Chili:  Electric Owl vs. Djeser
Round 1			Neither

Thunderbrawl 203 by Entenzahn and Mercedes:  flerp vs. Sitting Here
Round 1			Sitting Here

Thunderbrawl 204 by Sitting Here:  Mercedes vs. Entenzahn
Round 1			Entenzahn

Thunderbrawl 205 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  llamaguccii vs. Maigius
Round 1			llamaguccii (by default)

Thunderbrawl 206 by flerp:  Chili vs. sebmojo
Round 1			sebmojo

Thunderbrawl 207 by Chili:  BeefSupreme vs. Erogenous Beef
Round 1			Erogenous Beef

Thunderbrawl 208 by crabrock:  Mrenda vs. Hawklad
Round 1			Mrenda

Thunderbrawl 209 by Chairchucker:  sebmojo vs. Sitting Here
Round 1			Sitting Here

Thunderbrawl 210 by Sitting Here:  Djeser vs. Boaz-Jachim
Round 1			Boaz-Jachim

Thunderbrawl 211 by flerp:  SkaAndScreenplays vs. sebmojo
Round 1			SkaAndScreenplays

Kaishai fucked around with this message at Jan 4, 2017 around 13:51

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


im gay cuck I'm gay hth Trump Hillary Clinton Bernie Sanders neoliberal

HAPPY NEW THREAD THUNDERDOME HERE ARE CRITS FOR THE LAST WEEK

The Night Winds

I donít know whatís going on. I donít have a clue what is happening. I feel like you know what youíre meaning to say and what youíre trying to do but I just canít figure it out. Itís just, so weirdly written and weíre moving around from ports to ships and then thereís a pronoun of ďheĒ but idk who ďheĒ is, and I donít think itís the first mate, but it might be, and I also think thereís a gay lover or something but idk if thatís true or Iím reading too far into it or even reading this story at all. Like, where I am? Who are these people? What is going? What are the stakes? Like, I would say make me care but you donít even tell me what there is. Itís just like words that are stringed together that are coherent, but donít add up to anything at all. Itís like, anti-writing. Fascinating. Also, for some reason youíre not capitalizing Iís in contractions, which makes me think youíre relying a little on auto-correct. I donít know what happened or really anything.

Lasting Peace


The beginning was tight, interesting, but then it just becomes a dissection on how ďWar is bad and WWII was absolutely badĒ and itís like, yeah, youíre right, but you donít anything unique with it. Itís just like, ok cool, Iíve heard this a hundred times before in much more unique and cooler ways Post-WWI and WWII art is super awesome and cool in how they express their anguish because itís not like ďMan war sucks,Ē itís usually done by representation of different moments. Look at Max Beckmanís The Night or The Fate of the Animals by Franz Marc (this one was actually painted before WWI but w/e) because they show what youíre trying to do. These pieces are incredibly personal while yours was initially personal, it then descended into ďI am the writer saying WWII was bad.Ē Also, the pieces show their feelings in unique ways while yours is just not very unique. This had the ability to be a good piece, I feel. I am a sucker for war stories. I love what you can do with them, and I love it when people take perspectives of people outside of the soldiers and what war means to people outside of the fighting (that is what makes Anne Frankís story so powerful and popular after all). However, this just did not feel very honest or personal. Also, the story itself just kind of blows. The plot is - ďLady is sad, continues being sad, then remembers she has a journal and writes about the guy, then she tries to talk to an old friend.Ē Nothing happens. Well, ok, one thing happens at the end, but itís like, your character mopes around for a while and now, all of a sudden, she like ďwelp, time to stop being sad.Ē Like, I donít get it. Why now? Whatís happened to her in this moment, after a year, that THIS is the moment sheís over it? I mean, if youíre sad for a year, there needs to be something more than ďOh, I remember this journal this had and I wrote in itĒ to make you not sad anymore. idgi. I liked the rat metaphor though.

The Ballad of Einar

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: USING WORDS LIKE PROMPTLY, QUICKLY, SWIFTLY, ETC. DOES NOT SPEED UP ACTIONS IN YOUR STORY. IT DOES THE OPPOSITE. PLEASE CEASE USING THOSE lovely ADVERBS, THANK YOU. Is this a comedy? Was this supposed to be funny? Because Iím not sure. Itís stuck somewhere between ďGeneric fantasyĒ and ďGeneric fantasy comedyĒ and I donít get it I guess. The comedy gets in the way of the story and the story gets in the way of the comedy. The problem with the comedy is that you focus so much on the funny bits that you donít ever tell a story really. And then the comedy makes you make an ending thatís just ďwelp, nothing changed lolĒ so uhhhh why the gently caress do I care? Then your story gets in the way because you feel like you play it straight the entire way through. Like, are the really long names supposed to be funny? Because theyíre not. Theyíre not even close. Like, whatís the joke with the names? Lol fantasy names are dumb? Is that it? Is that all youíve got. Anyways, this story wasnít awful I guess because it was so not a comedy (even though I think that was your intention) that it was still an actual story with actual things happening in it so you saved yourself. Still, not funny, at all. At the end of the day, I didnít laugh and I didnít care.

Fallaway

I liked this. This was good, well written, engaging, blah blah blah, but I really hated the ending revelation. Itís like, I wishing for something more than a collective consciousness kind of thing. I think you couldíve done something more clever or interesting or thematically interesting or unique and you just settled for this. I also donít get the relationship between Mia and Evan, since it seems like the thing in the well induces people to join it by using the person it loves or cares about, but Mia and Evan donít seem to care about each other that much that it doesnít make sense? Idk. Still, was good. I just wished the whole revelation was more unique rather than a whole ďWe are legionĒ kind of deal. Thereís something here with the beginning, but you have to pay us with more than ďspooky hivemind that lives in the bottom of the well for some reason.Ē

Scar Tissue

I also liked this. The writing was solid, really engaging, but weird poo poo just kind of happened in the beginning. Like, wtf, why is this guy who just got sober coming home with a bottle of champagne? Like, I mean I know youíre trying to show character, but nobody, just nobody, is that loving stupid. Like, geez. Then he gets drunk, and I kind of wish you focused the relationship more on the narrator and the little girl. The deadbeat dad or brother or whatever felt pretty cliche and I think if you focused on the humanity of the moment rather than ďDadís a drunk ď then this could work better. One thing I was spit balling was, while the dad and the mother are fighting, the narrator focuses on the daughter to try and keep the damage to her at a minimum. That way, you get best of both worlds, having the dad and mom fight which I imagine is what you want, and also giving your narrator some agency and goal in this story. Still good, and still the best story this week. Doesnít mean itís great.

17 and a half promise

If you use a colon, the next word is capitalized. Gimmick does you no help, story too broad to be truly affecting, not terrible though. This isnít terribly written, but thereís too much going on in this flash for it ever live up to itself. We start out with this relationship between teenagers, and then you move towards a guy becoming a wizard and becoming a shady, and thereís just too much. Youíre packing too much in that Iím not sure what the focus is meant to be. I mean, yeah, the character, but like, thereís nothing for me to hold onto as a specific moment in this story. Iím not sure whatís important. Idk, this wasnít awful, but it just didnít engage me. Ent considered HMing this, itís just, for me, somethingís off about it. The wizardry doesnít really help, the gimmick does really nothing for me because if you took the numbers off, itíd just be paragraphs of prose with no change. There isnít bad, but I really, donít hate this and thatís it.

One Last Play

poo poo opening. Supposed to be funny? Idk. Decent story, kind of limited in scope, doesnít really matter, kind of dumb. I donít hate this, but idk what to say about this. You wrote a story about a guy hiding a football injury and then he eats celery. Your ending is a sitcom. This story is a sitcom. It had the same ďIs this supposed to be funnyĒ aspect of a sitcom and everything. Wow. I donít know what else to say. I donít like sitcoms and your story was a sitcom. Every criticism that exists for sitcoms is the same for your story. Thatís all I need to say. Your story is a sitcom.

Sitting Hereís Story of Being a Hotel Worker

The dialogue in this is absolutely atrocious, I have to say. Like, címon now, people are saying exactly what they want to say. And, idk about you, but in a moment where somebody is crying on a bed, clutching an urn while sprinklers are on, I would not loving say ďWould that be that Mrs. Schipper?Ē Like, wow, thatís just god awful. However, your ending is interesting, I just wish you hadnít made the guy horribly unlikable and also that you didnít focus so much on hotel logistics when the real interesting part is ďguy with dead wife comes back to his holiday getaway.Ē I know you're a hotel person but like, nobody loving cares about the person at the front desk, they want to know more about the crotchety old man whoís fulfilling his dead wifeís last wish. This is like Writer Mistakes 101. Bad dialogue, boring opening, main character has no motivation, interesting character isnít the protagonist but a side character, too long opening, etc. Like, you know better so I feel like Iím wasting my breath with you.

Moving On and Up

Normally, I wouldn't have read this but Ent said "I'm not sure if I should DM this" so then I read it and said "Yeah, I'm ok with a DM." You got a lot of backstory, a lot of names of gods and people and what not, but I have no idea who they are. What Ent says in his results is p. much my feelings on this. It's like I just flipped to a random chapter of a fantasy novel and I have no idea who or what is going on, and you act as if I should know all these names that you pulled out of your rear end. Still, at the end of the day, through all the weird names and nonsense that I do not care about and had me horribly bored, your story is just about two people climbing a tower where you realize why we're climbing a tower when we reach the top of the tower. This was boring and had an impenetrable backstory that I bet you knew what was going on, but in a flash piece, will never, ever work.

flerp fucked around with this message at May 26, 2016 around 01:51

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER



thanks for the good crits, which were also fast crits. these two qualities were independent of each other.

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


Proooooooooooooooooooooooooompt.

unwantedplatypus
Sep 6, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Thanks for the crit dude!

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

posting early in the thread so that all year i can find my post easy and push the ? button and see all of my posts.

edit: there's gonna be a lot.

edit2: not making any predictions this year. i'll probably just fall over and stop working.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


it's a new thread so i think this needs to be said

hey sh you're dumb and you write bad and overall my opinion of you is subpar so brawl me

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Broenheim posted:

it's a new thread so i think this needs to be said

hey sh you're dumb and you write bad and overall my opinion of you is subpar so brawl me

but i don't disagree so why would i want to fight about it?

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

ladies and gentlemen, for 2016 I bring you...anti-kayfabe

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

this is just as great as all the stuff you brought us in 2015

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Thunderdome Recaps

Starting in 2015teen, various Thunderdome participants turned their time, their voices, their questionable intelligence, and their ever-dubious charisma toward the task of discussing rounds recently past. These are the links to follow if you want to hear goons talk about you, assuming your writing is crappy enough to distinguish itself in the fecal pile.

You may also hear Ironic Twist singing like Justin Timberlake. Don't say you weren't warned.

pre:
Episode								Recappers

Week 156:  LET'S GET hosed UP ON LOVE				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Djeser
Week 157:  BOW BEFORE THE BUZZSAW OF PROGRESS			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 158:  LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Djeser
Week 159:  SINNERS ORGY						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 160:  Spin the wheel!					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 161:  Negative Exponents					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 36:  Polishing Turds -- A retrospective special!		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and The Saddest Rhino
Week 162:  The best of the worst and the worst of the best	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and The Saddest Rhino
Week 163:  YOUR STUPID poo poo BELONGS IN A MUSEUM			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 164:  I Shouldn't Have Eaten That Souvlaki			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 165:  Back to School					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 166:  Comings and Goings					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 167:  Black Sunshine					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 168:  She Stole My Wallet and My Heart			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 169:  Thunderdome o' Bedlam				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 170:  Cities & Kaiju					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 171:  The Honorable THUNDERDOME CLXXI			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 172:  Thunderdome Startup					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 173:  Pilgrim's Progress					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 174:  Ladles and Jellyspoons				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 175:  Speels of Magic					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 176:  Florida Man and/or Woman				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 125:  Thunderdome is Coming to Town -- Our sparkly past! 	SH, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, Grizzled Patriarch, and Bad Seafood
Week 177:  Sparkly Mermen 2: Electric Merman Boogaloo		SH, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, Grizzled Patriarch, and Bad Seafood
Week 178:  I'm not mad, just disappointed			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 179:  Strange Logs						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 180:  Maybe I'm a Maze					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 181:  We like bloodsports and we don't care who knows!	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 182:  Domegrassi						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and Bad Seafood
Week 183:  Sorry Dad, I Was Late To The Riots			Sitting Here, Djeser, Kaishai, and crabrock
Week 184:  The 2015teen Great White Elephant Prompt Exchange	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 98:  Music of the Night -- Songs of another decade		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 185:  Music of the Night, Vol. II				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 186:  Giving away prizes for doing f'd-up things		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 187:  Lost In Translation					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 188:  Insomniac Olympics					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 189:  knight time						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 190:  Three-Course Tale					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 191:  We Talk Good						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 192:  Really Entertaining Minific				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 30:  We're 30 / Time to get dirty -- A magical time	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 193:  the worst week					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 40:  Poor Richard's Thundervision -- Let the ESC begin!	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 144:  Doming Lasha Tumbai -- Classic performances		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 194:  Only Mr. God Knows Why				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 195:  Inverse World					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 196:  Molten Copper vs. Thunderdome			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 197: Stories of Powerful Ambition & Poor Impulse Control	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 198:  Buddy Stuff						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 199:  EVERYBODY KNOWS poo poo'S hosed			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 1:  Man Agonizes over Potatoes -- A dirty, painful birth   Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Kaishai, and sebmojo
Week 200:  Taters Gonna tate Fuckers				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Kaishai, and sebmojo
Week 201:  Old Russian Joke					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 202:  THUNDER-O-S!						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 203:  MYSTERY SOLVING TEENS				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 204:  Hate Week						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 205:  the book of forgotten names				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 206:  WHIZZ! Bang! POW! Thunderdome!			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 207:  Bottle Your Rage					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 208:  Upper-Class Tweet of the Year			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 209:  WHAT DO YOU GET A DOME THAT HAS EVERYTHING??		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 210:  Crit Ketchup Week					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 211:  Next-Best Friend Week				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 212:  Vice Week						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 213:  Punked Out						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 214:  THUNDERDOME ALL-STAR TRIBUTE				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Kaishai, and The Saddest Rhino
Week 215:  El sueŮo de la razůn produce el Thunderdome		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 216:  Historical Redemption (or:  Sin, Lizzie)		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 217:  SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIORS, ATTACK!			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 218:  Duel Nature						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 219:  cos wer goffik					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 152:  Rhymes with Red, White, and Blue -- Voidmart opens!	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 220:  Enter the Voidmart					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 221:  The Escape of the Bad Words.				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 123:  Ceci N'est Pas une Nouvelle -- Surreal history	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and Bad Seafood
Week 222:  Deliver Us From Bad Prompting			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and Bad Seafood
Week 223:  Dear Thunderdome					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 224:  I Wanna Dome You Like An Animal			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 225:  Pick a Century					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 226:  Viking Wisdom					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 227:  It was a Dark and Stormy Night....			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai

Special Features!

The Top Ten poo poo Scenes of Thunderdome				Sitting Here, Kaishai, Ironic Twist, and Djeser

Kaishai fucked around with this message at Jan 6, 2017 around 21:49

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




Alright, let's get this prompt a-rollin'.

THUNDERDOME WEEK CLXXIX: Strange Logs


I guess this picture is thematically appropriate, I dunno I'm tired of searching.

Since I guess everyone is now officially spending all of their waking hours playing Undertale or Angry Birds or whatever instead of writing, I've cooked up a little prompt that should prove both interesting and topical! This week I want you guys to head over to The Strange Log, a twitter compendium of video game bug fixes and patch notes that have their own bizarre, magical charm. Divorced from any context or logic, these little gems are the perfect seeds for some really compelling fiction. So pick a patch note, interpret it however you'd like, and give me your best shot!

A couple notes:

If you're struggling to pick, I'd recommend going with something that has some hint of conflict baked into it. A lot of people are going to be tempted to write conceptual pieces that don't actually have a narrative arc, and that would not be prudent.

You can choose to let me pick your prompt for you in exchange for 200 bonus words if nothing is grabbing you or if you don't trust yourself to edit a story under the wordcount or something.

You can also crit someone else's story from any previous week (please pick someone that is still active in the Dome, so that they might actually see it) for an additional 200 bonus words!

You can tell me your pick when you sign up or you can edit it in later, I don't care. As long as I know what it is when I'm reading the stories. You can pick the same one as someone else if you really want to.


Wordcount: 1200 words
Sign up by: Midnight EST on Friday, January 8th
Submissions Close: Midnight EST on Sunday, January 10th


Judges:
Grizzled Patriarch
SurreptitiousMuffin
???

Strange Loggers:

Mercedes - "Toilets are no longer death traps"
WeLandedOnTheMoon! - "error when a cult leader drinks laudanum and decides to leave their cult" (+200 words)
curlingiron - "if a player drank Whisky in their apartment until they passed out, this could cause a clone to appear who would then attack them." (+200 words)
Thranguy - "Doctor repeatedly tries and fails to suture wounds that have already healed" (+200 words)
Broenheim - "Snail freed from trailing-plant prisonónow moves freely, incorporeally through all biological matter."
klapman - "Fort gets sieged by invisible friendly elf/human babies"
Sitting Here - "signs and books will destroy the world after a while. Don't use or have them." (+200 words)
Wangless Wonder - "Fixed burning players being unable to see themselves on fire"
unwantedplatypus - "It is no longer possible to ride a mount inside Bartleby and Daughters bank"
HellishWhiskers - "Listening to a sermon caused colonistsí bodies to explode" (+200 words)
C7ity1 -
kurona_bright - "The entrance elevator door has had a stern talking to, and should no longer lock people inside."
Bandiet - "Rabbit falls through snow layers and suffocates."
Killer-of-Lawyers - "Mick & Ralph's no longer store strange meat and strange meat pies in their fridges," (+200 words)
ghost crow - "Potions are tasting much better now, especially the harmful ones." (+200 words)
Djeser - "Adjusted value of bees"
Amused Frog - "The Grim Reaper will no longer be prevented from reaping souls due to band affiliation." (+200 words)
theblunderbuss - "Dead birds no longer continue to play bird sounds."
sebmojo - "Inanimate objects no longer write journal entries when they die"
Entenzahn - "New dwarves take impact damage on arrival. One died."
CaligulaKangaroo - "Colonists will occasionally turn into fishpeople and run into the sea" (+200 words)
Ironic Twist - "Merchants climb up tree and go insane" (+200 words)
RedTonic - "stopped vampires from pinning their crimes on babies and children" (+200 words)
Ceighk - "Ghost crabs have been moved from the crypt to the swamp"
FreudianSlippers - "Crops planted/tended by mad cultists will occasionally be Evil" (+200 words)
Pham Nuwen - "Wizards will now hear the pitter patter of their little feet"
Sixto Lezcano - "There is no warning when hitting floating eyes." (+200 words)
newtestleper - "Stopped zombies from interrupting your sleep to ask if they can help you with something" (+200 words)
Jeza - ďFix walkable area in subway so Dropsy can't walk beyond the darkness.Ē
Bleusman - "Now all giants, no matter how awkward, count for something." (+200 words)
Masonity - "Rain kills everything it lands on"

Grizzled Patriarch fucked around with this message at Jan 9, 2016 around 03:12

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


It's about time I'm back in this poo poo and write some more eroti- stories.

Toilets are no longer death traps

Mercedes fucked around with this message at Jan 5, 2016 around 03:18

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


Pick a glitch for me, old man.

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

Adventure Awaits!


Fun Shoe

In with a for my last failure. GP, if you would do me the honor of assigning a bug fix, I would be much obliged.

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

In, and I'll take an assigned glitch as well.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


Sitting Here posted:

but i don't disagree so why would i want to fight about it?

because we're friends

also im in

edit: Snail freed from trailing-plant prisonónow moves freely, incorporeally through all biological matter.

flerp fucked around with this message at Jan 5, 2016 around 00:14

klapman
Aug 27, 2012

gamers rise up


i'll strive to be an okay writer this time, IN

e: Fort gets sieged by invisible friendly elf/human babies

klapman fucked around with this message at Jan 5, 2016 around 23:23

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

Also, the floor on this new thread is too clean and dry. Needs blood. So if you two won't (and, for that matter, even if you do), I'ma brawl Specters. He knows why.

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




WeLandedOnTheMoon! posted:

Pick a glitch for me, old man.

"error when a cult leader drinks laudanum and decides to leave their cult"

curlingiron posted:

In with a for my last failure. GP, if you would do me the honor of assigning a bug fix, I would be much obliged.

"if a player drank Whisky in their apartment until they passed out, this could cause a clone to appear who would then attack them."

Thranguy posted:

In, and I'll take an assigned glitch as well.

"Doctor repeatedly tries and fails to suture wounds that have already healed"

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

in, glitch me please, GP

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




Sitting Here posted:

in, glitch me please, GP

"signs and books will destroy the world after a while. Don't use or have them."

Wangless Wonder
May 27, 2009


i'm in with 'Fixed burning players being unable to see themselves on fire'. thanks for the crit.

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why didn't you invest in
Thunderdome?


Thunderdome week CLXXVIII Critiques Ė I LIED

Real talk, I expected more. Because the prompt was easy. Someone makes a promise. Itís simple, and thereís so much poo poo you can do with that, so many themes to work with. Duty. Trust. Betrayal. Guilt. Tons of inherent material for conflict, but of course nobody could just write a nice story about a single promise, no, you had to write about someone elseís promise, or maybe there was a promise there but you didnít tell me what it was, or it was there but it didnít really matter next to all the other crap, or maybe you just wrote a thousand words of ďtee hee hee arenít I cute???Ē (no)

My co-judge for this week was Broenheim, and there wasnít really much discussion. The week was bad, but not terrible. The worst entries were dull and stupid and the best entries were slightly above mediocre.

At least this was a light week so Iíll give a line crit to anyone who wants me to point out their terribleness in even more intricate detail.


klapman Ė The Night Winds
Bro and I discussed this story in the same way that I imagine a pair of deaf Fonzies haggle with each other, by twitching their shoulders and going, ďehhh?Ē a couple times. I actually put some effort into reading this and Iím fairly sure I get whatís going on some level, like I know there are either pirates or smugglers, and they use some illegal route or something, and for some reason they wave their flags at each other. But none of that is actually said. Instead you say, ďthey were people of the illegal sort, wandering the sea but not on their feet!! And they made a contract, the kind without pen and paper, that they should lower and then raise their flags in a most greeting manner whenever they passed in the passage that was not to be seen by the governmentís eye.Ē Itís like this whole story exists so you can flex your prose muscles, and admittedly, thereís some nice bits and pieces here, but I have to wade through a fuckton of junk to get to them and even then thatís not what I came for. I came for a story about a promise. Tell me what the promise is. Tell me what the story is.

So through this fever dream of a prose experiment a bunch of stuff happens and somehow situations take a turn for the worse, not that I know why or how, but they do, and then I think the two pirate captains attack each other, but then they stand on deck and talk to each other and itís such a bizarre scene, itís like those parts in Assassinís Creed where you slaughter everyone and then you have this paranormal chat with the big bad before you lay him down and say ďRequiescat in paceĒ, which is the same thing I wanted to do to this story, just finally let it rest in piece, but it didn't, it went on and on and on

Now I donít want to be unfair here. You had a story in mind, I can see that. And I think it would have been pretty loving baller. Thatís whatís so frustrating about this piece. You have a proper voice and nice images and you have a good idea for a plot but you are so obtuse and unclear because you try to be fancy and then you end up burying the meat of your story in garnish. Itís such a waste. I mean Iím sure I could decipher this entire thing if I really had a mind to comb through it, but nobody wants to comb through other peopleís stories, and certainly not when they still have a whole bunch of them to read.

Thereís not much to say other than this was a mess. A line crit might do you better. Iím offering some this week, so speak up if you want one.


unwantedplatypus Ė Lasting Peace
This was pretty decent, except you lost track of your story halfway through. The beginning was strong, youíve got this cool internal conflict of a woman who deals with losing her husband to war, and thereís all these cool themes of her coming to grip with reality and what kind of naive person she used to be. But then nothing else happens.

Instead you go off on a long rant about war and the people that suffer from it, and then she goes back to how much she misses Pierre, and yadda yadda more backstory, and Iím like, bro, I got it, war is bad, okay. And then youíre finally done with that tangent and you loop back into your protagís depression, and then it justÖ solves itself. She sits down and starts writing, and then she realizes that the words she wrote actually make sense, so she writes more and just like that her feeling of guilt evaporates just like any hope I had that we might still get to see how she genuinely deals with her internal struggle instead of having it fizzle out into a thin cloud of self-granted redemption.

You could have started earlier in the characterís transition, and shown us her transformation from a patriot to a disgruntled realist. You could have shown me how she gets over Pierre by using actual concrete events that illustrate a major internal change. Instead you wrote a character who aggressively explains her motivations at me, and then she has an epiphany because. Thereís some decent writing in this and the setup is okay but everything after that is a letdown and thatís sadly all I can really say in this crit because this is the number one issue that absolutely weighs everything else down. Your prose is fine. Your characters are fine. I even like this whole idea of finding a path to catharsis, of finding a way to let yourself let go. But the plot, the device that drives the action and keeps the momentum moving forward, is entirely absent, and that's kind of a big deal.


Wangless Wonder Ė The Ballad of Einar
Holy gently caress itís like two different people wrote this simultaneously, and then through a series of small aggressions where they reached into each otherís territory to make minor adjustments they escalated into in some kind of total editing war right until the last second so then this jumbled mess got posted. Thereís a neat concept for a comedy story here, and I like that your promise actually drives the conflict, but the prose and the voice and the feel of the story are all over the place.

Like, comedy pieces can still be serious. They can also be light-hearted and silly. This clearly starts out as whimsical slapstick, but then you tack some message on to the end, some somber note of Einarís deeply-hidden inferiority complex and it just comes out of nowhere. Itís just so sad and serious compared to the juvenile tone from before that it feels like it doesnít belong.

In the same vein the humor is sometimes cool (Too fat for the window. Too fat for the wardrobe. Too many whores under the bed.) and sometimes the prose just falls apart like a set of mikado sticks, dragging the joke that was built up on it along with it (Einar said, recalling his Hallucinogen Testing and Human Flight Engineering special force. <-- wat?).

Some jokes are also just not funny because of the delivery: Einar picked up Brynjar, Ax That Split Mountains and Slayed Dragons, mighty relic of his forefathers, and removed half a lemon from its rusting edge before hefting it above his head and and aiming it towards the doorway, arm shaking under the weight. You want to contrast the overblown introduction of the ancient war axe with a crisp comment about its improper use: Einar picked up Brynjar, Ax That Split Mountains and Slayed Dragons, mighty relic of his forefathers, and removed the lemon from its edge. But even then, I wonder, why a lemon? Thereís probably something funnier that can be on the axe but I donít want to put more effort into this joke than you did.

I like that you have a conflict here. The coward warlord dodging his draft is one of the stories I half expected, and Iím glad I got it and I even think this had some fun ideas. But it needs more work. Even juvenile comedy needs effort. As it is, it just reads rushed, like you came up with all this as you were writing it and then you didnít bother to go back and do another editing pass, so now all the blemishes are still there and nothing that youíve tacked on at the end has any mention in the beginning and you didnít bother fixing the bad jokes either (thereís still a lot of those ).

Also please donít name your main characters Einar and Erik. Rule of thumb, every major characterís name should start with a different letter, and they should generally be distinguishable on a quick read-through.

All in all this was mildly amusing but thatís it.


Ironic Twist Ė Fallaway
So the number one question I had right from the beginning was, why are they here, like, I get that Mia is looking for her sister, but why at this specific well, what nightmares did she have, why did she think that sheíd find her sister at the bottom of a goddamn well two states over? You tease me with some arcane reason for their being here, but itís never mentioned again and then it doesnít make much sense without the explanation, so it might have been better to just slap your balls on the table and say, well, hereís the well and theyíre loving going down there and thatís that. Or you could have just explained it a bit more. That would have been even better because it would have been a good opportunity to foreshadow the monster.

There used to be a time where you wrote a lot of stories like this, where some vaguely paranormal thing just happened, and admittedly, those were much darker days full of shady characters with dubious intentions. I mean obviously this had enough redeeming bits to still get HMíd, but most of that comes down to your strong prose and your likeable characters, and the fact that all the attention to detail that you put into the sibling relationship gets me interested enough to want to see the end. But I still feel cock-blocked because once you get me proper invested a monster appears out of nowhere and snatches the story away from right under my nose and drags it back into the forest screaming and thrashing and all I can do is watch and cry and mourn all the fun times we could have had together, if only things had turned out different.

Itís creepy enough for a monster but itís a complete shift in the story that leaves the actual plot hanging, so then I get this feeling that really all this time you just wanted to write about a magical well that perpetually lures people in and then eats them and the rest is just pretext. And itís a cool idea, donít get me wrong. It just comes out of nowhere, and then Iím left wondering why you spend all this time giving us the background info on Mia and her sister. The two facets of the story donít mesh very well, and I donít feel like you put a lot of effort into blending them together.

Also you screw up your tenses in the flashback sections


Thranguy Ė Seventeen And a Half Broken Promises
Somehow I always end up judging weeks where youíre trying weird gimmicks. That said, I thought this one wasÖ kinda cool? Wait! Wait wait wait. Addendum: it was kinda cool, in theory. It had a lot of potential for enabling a character study that still had a sense of momentum and plot progression as we spiral deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole that is the protagonistís ever shifting goalpost of what constitutes a justified broken promise.

But then for some reason you decide to slap a magical mob story on top of it and - presto - the whole thing collapses under the weight of your combined ideas. Sometimes you fuse two neat elements and they make something that is more than the sum of their parts. Sometimes they actively detract from each other, because they donít fit, like gluing a pair of springy eyes on top of a spooky scarecrow.

I really like the idea of telling a personal story arc by going through all of a characterís broken promises, and the ending is sweet and gives me some closure, but the magic thing just doesnít fit. Itís a nice idea for a setting, but you have a very specific and concise format, where each major point in the timeline gets exactly one paragraph. Thatís not a lot of breathing room, so when you force your urban fantasy setting in there along with your character portrait they both just suffocate, a sad and lonely death. So then we end up with a nice portrait that doesnít get the space it needs to touch my delicate heartstrings, and an urban fantasy setting thatís too generic to justify the space it takes up. It reads like something stuck between a wistful nostalgia piece about a notorious liar's regrets and Bizarro Harry Dresden fanfic.


Grizzled Patriarch Ė Scar Tissue
This was the best story. It was good. That said, in a better week, it might not have won, because there are still a bunch of things dragging it down. Granted, you avoided a lot of problems I used to have with your writing. Because I understand whatís going on. Because it has an ending. Because the protagonists are relatable and understandable. Itís a story I can follow, and itís interesting enough for me to do so.

Your biggest problem, though, is your lack of focus. Itís a good portrait, the way you describe the family is fine, the way they act and speak, it all checks out. But Iím still kinda scratching my head as I go through this, wondering what the story is about. Because at first itís about welcoming the black sheep back home into your family, but Iím not yet sure what the conflict is. Then it turns out theyíre unable to handle him, and he immediately relapses (which is a bit on the nose). Then itís about child abuse? Life sometimes moves in the same kind of frantic paces, but weíre not writing real life, weíre writing stories, and flash fiction, in my opinion, should be neater than this. There needs to be focus. I need to know what to get invested in, what to hope for or what to expect. Because when you start the story with Kitís alcohol problems and all the effort his mom is going through to keep him sober, I hope that he gets clean, and then the issue is dropped halfway through. Ironically, the fact that this is such a real piece is also whatís keeping me interested. But then itís a family drama that just kinda happens. The beginning to a bigger piece, or maybe the best E/N post youíll ever read.

I mean donít get me wrong, it is real strong. Itís got all these super sad notes, where the mothers tries her best to help her son and just wants to have a nice, peaceful family, and where the protag doesnít really know how to deal with the situation because heís such a goof and all that. Itís bitter, and itís effective at that, but I didn't get a lot of closure from this story because there is not much of one single focused arc to follow.

The ending is there, but itís as open as they come: the protagonist realizes the problematic relationship between Kit and Jackie and takes her away. It wonít solve anything, but it closes the scene for the moment, and what comes next is part of a different story. You still had like 500 words so Iím not sure if I wouldnít have liked for you to deal more with the aftermath, but it was serviceable, and it still worked as some kind story about a hosed up family reunion.

So this is a bit muddy, and it piggybacked off a mediocre week, but donít let that detract from your victory. Itís still a strong portrait with some really effective moments. Good prose prevails once more, I GUESS


Killer-of-Lawyers Ė One Last Play
This is pretty much the ur-story, and what I mean by that is, well did you notice how ever once in a while a newbie marches into this thread and fails so spectacularly at trying to be fancy that weíre forced to knock the crayons out of their wobbly baby hands and tell them to learn how to write a straight loving story first? This is that straight story. So if you had troubles with that in the past, congratulations. As far as the technical workings go, this is complete. It has a beginning, middle and end, the characters have motivations, the action is rising and all scenes and plot points logically feed into each other. Itís a solid foundation, the first stepping stone on the stairway to writer olymp.

The reason this still didnít come close to an HM is that a stepping stone as such is relative dull and forgettable. Because this starts out as a story about a guy secretly playing football and Iím wondering, how are you going to make that interesting? The answer is, you donít, it just stays that same story and then it ends. Like, itís solid, but itís also so goddamn non-consequential.

So now that youíve got the foundation in place, think about what makes a story interesting. Think of a cool twist, or up the stakes, or give me some heart. Give me a reason to get invested. I want to be at the edge of my seat. I mean I guess I like your wife character for not flipping her poo poo when she finds out what her husband did, itís kinda cute, but it doesnít make for a terribly intense reading experience. Thereís so many things you could have done: give him a real injury; use his lie as the first misstep in a crumbling, distrustful relationship; show how she tries to organize a football match as a birthday surprise for him and then she finds out heís secretely been playing all this time and itís super heartbreaking; ect.

As it is itís the kind of placid comedy strip you usually see in a newspaper comic. Might be worth a chuckle but eventually it goes in the trash, and thatís where it belongs and you know it.


Sitting Here Ė High Maintenance
I read this story and it seemed like something a person working in a hotel would write when they spent too much time playing videogames instead of working on their TD entry, so I genuinely crossed my fingers before turning off judgemode hoping I didnít have to hit you with a DM, but this is the real life where wishes donít come true for us normal folk. But then you say this wasnít a rushed entry, and I believe you, so now I kinda want to see the outline you did for this, since I think youíre usually more the discovery writer, so maybe your outline was not serviceable, or youíve asked the wrong questions, or overlooked some structural flaws.

Right, why did I hate this story so much that I almost considered it for the loss? Many reasons. Letís take it from the top: the beginning is a mess. You reference two different rooms, one by number, and one by naming it ďThe SuiteĒ, even though the suite also has a number as we later find out. I donít go through these stories with a magnifying lens, and I donít stay in hotels often enough to know if thereís always just ďThe SuiteĒ and itís like one of those hotel tropes where itís always one special room or sth, so then I lose track of which room is which, especially when you also mention a fake emergency maintenance situation in the room, and then tell me that the suite actually did have a maintenance situation, but wait, the suite is not the room, youíre just bringing that up for yet totally unrelated reasons.

We have two characters who are in some kind of conflict but itís a really boring one because you basically describe a help desk scenario. Thereís no personal investment here, and the conflict is resolved by giving Mr Schipper another room and thatís it. Then we get to the staffer that hosed up the order, and I think, okay, maybe now weíre getting somewhere, because Linnea is genuinely pissed at this guy. But nope. I donít even know why that part exists. It has nothing to do with the story, and this is flash fic, so it really shouldnít be there. Then we segue into an off-hand comment where youíre like, the room we just gave to Mr Schipper might not be ok. RUH-ROH!! And then sheís like, Iím sure itíll be fine, which is not just super professional, itís also an obvious way of telling me that five lines from now it very much will not be fine, so why not just go there right away?

The dialogue is pretty bad. This is something Bro might cover because he explicitly mentioned it when we talked about this story, but I noticed it too. From the point where Mr Schipper complains about Linneaís style of management deteriorating the place as if he was a permanent resident there, to the part where he has a deeply emotional breakdown over his dead wife and Linnea grins at him as if they were two teenagers about to sneak into the local theaterís late night screening.

Basically half my notes go ďWhatís the story?Ē and the other half go ďWait what???Ē I appreciate that you tried to tell the heart-wrenching tale of an old man trying to take his dead wife on one last trip, but you either need to start with that or you need to keep me interested until you get to the reveal. At the very least the conflict between Linnea and Mr Schipper should not have been suspended in the middle.

That said the finale is touching, yeah, and the image of this guy sitting there and going ďthis is actually appropriate because this is what I feel likeĒ is probably something Iíll remember for a while, just everything leading up to it is such chaff. Come to think of it I would have probably liked this story more if you would have tossed the entire first part. It might not even have DMíd. It would have still been goofy, but this was a goof week so


kurona_bright Ė Moving On and Up
This is the kind of thing that happens when you canít effectively gauge word count limits. Because you came up with so much stuff for this, this huge fantasy setting, and the city and its history and the war and the cityís belief system and the protagonist, who is a god in that belief system, and his family and their history where there was some kind of taint that dragged some gods to the bad side, and in the end youíve got so much stuff in this story that you canít do much more than mention it all in some arbitrary order and hope Iíll be fine with it. Iím not fine with it. I wanted a story, not a worldbuilding entry.

So what was your story here? People are at the base of a tower. One of them (somehow) discovers that the other is a god who actually owns the tower, except he doesnít really because itís actually his god-sisterís, whoís dead, but now the first person is pissed at the god-person because she has to deactivate all the traps, because they have to get up that tower because thereís a power source for a force shield that whoa, whoa whoa my head is spinning i need to sit down.

Do you see what tripped you over? Too much. Way too much. For each major plot point you add you lose some options and then you have a ton of information and all of it is equally relevant so you will inevitably end up writing a story that is about finding out what the story is. Because thereís just no other way to physically fit all the words in there before itís over.

I find it hard to say much else about the story because the massive world-building elements press all the imagery and voice and characterization out of it to a point where I canít do much else than point at it and say, yup, thatís a skeleton alright. I guess the thing where Oari comes to grips with his sisterís passing and the fact that he canít forever compare himself to her is kind of a neat idea, and thatís what you should have focused on, and then you wouldnít even have needed half the crap you had in the story. His sister? Gone. Why? Doesnít matter, gods disappear. The tower? gently caress the tower. He unlocks his godly powers to activate the cityís force shield. The human charade? Drop it. Done. A story about a smaller god trying to work his way around the destined pecking order and step up for his people. How exactly? Thatís your story to tell. All Iím saying is, drop the ballast.

Also you called the sister Frente and the city Riente, which is seriously confusing and makes an already messy story even harder to understand.

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why didn't you invest in
Thunderdome?


also i'm brawling sh

she knows what she did

unwantedplatypus
Sep 6, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER

In with "It is no longer possible to ride a mount inside Bartleby and Daughters bank"

HellishWhiskers
Mar 29, 2012

She was an awkward girl


In, spin the glitch wheel for me.

Social Studies 3rd Period
Oct 31, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER



In.

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




HellishWhiskers posted:

In, spin the glitch wheel for me.

"Listening to a sermon caused colonistsí bodies to explode"

klapman
Aug 27, 2012

gamers rise up


My head hurts, i'm sick as gently caress, my throat is dry no matter how much water I drink. My life is misery and my writing is worse. I figure that's enough of a handicap, so in addition to the prompt, I'll take any one of you motherfuckers on. If you want an easy kill, and you're stupid enough to see one in me, let's rock.

kurona_bright
Mar 21, 2013


In.

"The entrance elevator door has had a stern talking to, and should no longer lock people inside."

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


This is is my "gently caress I have crits to do" post.

gently caress, I have crits to do. Even if the people who could get them might have been eaten by sperm whales.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Broenheim posted:

it's a new thread so i think this needs to be said

hey sh you're dumb and you write bad and overall my opinion of you is subpar so brawl me

Entenzahn posted:

also i'm brawling sh

she knows what she did

klapman posted:

My head hurts, i'm sick as gently caress, my throat is dry no matter how much water I drink. My life is misery and my writing is worse. I figure that's enough of a handicap, so in addition to the prompt, I'll take any one of you motherfuckers on. If you want an easy kill, and you're stupid enough to see one in me, let's rock.

quote:

schneiderheim> also sh if you decide to brawl you can fite me

Okay. You know what. I've clearly got a lot of septic fiction to work out of my system, but it would still smell like roses next to anything this gaggle of baby-fisted jokers could possibly inflict on the world.

Who is bold enough to judge the first melee of 2016?

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

I'd just like to point out that although it's not in the OP on account of SH is a dumb baby, (and I guess it's not technically a rule for some reason) putting 'bold' tags on the titles of your stories is a cool and good thing to do and will probably make the judge hate you a little bit less than the people who omit them.

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take the moon
Feb 12, 2011



Thranguy posted:

Also, the floor on this new thread is too clean and dry. Needs blood. So if you two won't (and, for that matter, even if you do), I'ma brawl Specters. He knows why.

the only blood on the floor will be yours

im a ghost and dont even have blood but that wont be the reason

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