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iron buns
Jan 12, 2016

What Is Star Citizen?

Launching in 2014, Star Citizen is the glorious rebirth of the space sim as a genre. Brought to you by the creative mind behind Wing Commander and also Wing Commander: The Movie, Star Citizen consists of two parts: a massive online universe where millions of players will interact, and a standalone narrative single-player experience that will bring all the excitement and star power of a blockbuster movie to your pc. And best of all, Star Citizen is fully(ish) crowdfunded, which means it can't be rushed to release by big publishers desperate to make a buck! In Star Citizen, a player can be anything they want to be, whether they make their fortune mining ore on distant planetoids, delivering trade goods, or chasing criminals through the streets of expansive city planets as a bounty hunter. Star Citizen strives to offer the player unlimited choice in a fully-immersive universe, with an extreme focus on realism and fidelity. Features like perma-death, ship insurance, and even a permanent reputation system that includes cleanliness ensure the player makes meaningful choices and feels the result of those choices as they navigate the universe. To flesh out this living, breathing universe, Star Citizen features a wide variety of starships for players to own, pilot, and destroy. These ships are as detailed and advanced as the characters themselves, with thousands of hours of thought put into their design and function. Will you be a trade kingpin running expensive goods across the 'Verse in your Hull E, or perhaps a high-end tour guide for fancy patrons with your 890 Jump? That is up to you.

Holy loving shitballs, this sounds amazing! How do I get in on this?

Getting started in Star Citizen is incredibly easy! First, visit Star Citizen's website at and then navigate to their store page. From there you can select the ship you feel best suits the kind of gameplay you want, and buy it! Be careful, as the best ships do not come with a game package, which is required to play the game.

Wait, are those prices in real human dollars? What the gently caress?

Of course they are! Star Citizen didn't become the most crowdfunded video game of all time by not letting players spend thousands of dollars on fake space ships! Don't worry though, you only have to spend $45, so long as you don't mind not being able to kill anything or complete 80% of the missions in the game! Everything is fine, there's nothing to worry about! Spend as little as you like, and know that those who have spent tens of thousands of dollars for infinitely better spaceships than you will absolutely treat you with respect and kindness, and will in no way demand you work on their ships in serfdom. This is the glorious space future, and you can either pull yourself up by the bootstraps in real life and give Chris Roberts $10,000 or you can enjoy grinding for 900 hours carrying boxes to and fro before you get a better ship. And you'll like it!

Okay, what is Star Citizen really?

Star Citizen is an absolutely incredible grift that has been separating gullible dorks from their money since 2012 despite being run by a comically incompetent group of dreamers, scam artists, vampires, and recent Full Sail graduates. It has made headlines for everything from being the biggest crowdfunded video game of all time to being five years overdue to telling a backer with MS who wanted a refund to gently caress off in a court of law. It is defended by a militant group of nerds who threaten, and harass people for making jokes about their video game, and mocked by other nerds basically anywhere it is brought up. It would be impossible to fully list out the astonishing number of absolutely batshit things that have happened during Star Citizen's development, not the least of which includes Derek Smart (of Derek Smart's Desktop Commander fame) stirring from his eternal slumber to become Cloud Imperium's immortal foe (he actually pissed them off so much they forcibly refunded him, something they won't even do to actual literal nazis). All of these events play out over a sort of background radiation of immense financial waste, from $27,000 pledge packages to $250 a plate dinners, which are so common as to be unremarkable at this point.

An absolutely in no way complete list of notable Star Citizen drama:
  • CIG Forum moderators ban goons for asking a large-dollar backer to stop sending them pictures of his penis
  • CIG spends thousands of dollars on a space door for their office, then tells backers they assembled it out of scrap wood and a garage door opener
  • Literally the exact same thing but with a $17,000 espresso machine
  • VP of Marketing (and wife of the CEO) Sandi Gardiner gets personally involved with forums user Beer4theBeerGod's customer service case, sends expletive-filled email to customer
  • CIG CEO Chris Roberts spends 8 hours writing rambling, incomprehensible response to Escapist article, then posts it on the main page of the game's website
  • Derek Smart forcibly refunded, Derek and Beer accused of "corporate espionage" for loving up and leaking the name of an upcoming ship early
  • Backers threaten to sue CIG if they aren't refunded, get refunds
  • Backer actually does sue CIG for a refund, gets told to pound sand in actual court
  • CIG puts the entirety of Squadron 42 up for collateral against a payday loan
  • CIG gets sued by Crytek for massive breach of contract
  • CIG takes private investment to the tune of $46 million from the Calders

Meanwhile, in between creating glossy promos for $800 art assets and the occasional Jeremy Clarkson knockoff, the actual dev team at CIG have been hard at work trying to scrape together a pile of playable features big enough to call a game. You could, in fact, go play Star Citizen right now. If you wanted to. And... I'm not sure why you would:

Star Citizen at its best:

So please, join us now on our continuing journey through this buggy, lovely space game and the antics of the group of hucksters who want you to spend your kid's college fund on it. And if you are one of the many goons who fell for this and then forgot about it because it has been seven goddamn years since you preordered, please

lol jk no refunds, you're hosed pal

Notable links, previous threads, etc.

iron buns fucked around with this message at 21:29 on May 26, 2020


Beet Wagon
Oct 19, 2015

While we're here, a quick reminder about the rules: In addition to the STANDARD FORUM RULES, some other rules apply for this thread:

Beet Wagon posted:

  • Please keep your posts work-safe: If you absolutely must share a picture of a man in a darth vader helmet having sex with a virtual spaceship for some insane reason, please link the image (do not embed) with a very clear warning that it is not safe for work! :nws:

  • Please donít be a creep: Itís okay to mock a kickstarter creator who has no experience making an MMO for example, but itís extremely not okay to mock a kickstarter creator because you dug through their Instagram and think their Thanksgiving dinner looks bad.

  • If you see something, say something: If you see a post thatís needlessly hostile or creepy or breaks one of the other forum rules, report it and move on.

  • Special quoting rule: If you're going to post quotes from offsite forums like reddit, please use the text quote function and omit the poster's name. This should cut down on Personal Forums Enemy poo poo and keep everyone out of trouble.

Also, please take a moment to consider this:

Beet Wagon fucked around with this message at 02:22 on Dec 9, 2019

Jun 2, 2006

Star Citizen is good.

Jan 19, 2038


Aug 31, 2018
This thread is good for Star Citizen.

May 4, 2014
Lipstick Apathy

also ground floor etc

Dec 9, 2007

Shabbat Shalom
Clapping Larry

Megalobster posted:

This thread is good for Star Citizen.

Please remember to call your parents

Nov 27, 2006

🛑 Don't get your pen🖊️, son, you won't be 👌 needing that 😌. My 🥡 order's 💁 simple😉, a shitload 💩 of dim sims 🌯🀄. And I want a bucket 🪣 of soya sauce☕😋.
Howard Dayís Wing Commander remake is way more interesting than anything CIG have produced so far.

Jun 26, 2014

:gary: :I'd like to borrow $200M
:gary: :To make vidya game
Where is MoMa

Jun 2, 2006

RattiRatto posted:

Where is MoMa

He's toast

Feb 3, 2012

Fats Dominar is on the case

has anyone said fart citizen yet

e: fart shitizen

Dec 22, 2004

posting on the ground floor

Apr 29, 2006


Maybe I can finally follow a thread about Star Citizen this time cuz lol at reading a thread with 261,000 posts.

Nov 20, 2002

Hair Elf
I'm convinced, time to buy back in! I'm sure there are quite a few Squadron 42 episodes out by now for me to play through.

Blue On Blue
Nov 14, 2012

6 more years!

Feb 10, 2014

Is the game out yet?

Awesome Fidelity
Aug 16, 2017

The path i walk lights up in
page 6666 is right around the corner

Bacon Terrorist
May 7, 2010

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome


JazzFlight posted:

Maybe I can finally follow a thread about Star Citizen this time cuz lol at reading a thread with 261,000 posts.

Good luck with that, the last two iterations of this thread have ran at breakneck speed.

commando in tophat
Sep 5, 2019
So when is citizercon for this non-game? I hope crobear will play some fake sq42 demo with his joystick unplugged or something

Zazz Razzamatazz
Apr 19, 2016

by sebmojo
The Sickening and Heartbreaking Truths of the Fourth Stimpire

In the last 500 years, the Fourth Stimpire has dominated four systems, which it has united into one starzone, Stimsis. The Fourth Stimpire has origins from the Ten Empire War in which 10 of the United Stimpires revolted against each rules. All empires except for the fourth swore freedom upon their citizens. There is no free speech in the Fourth Stimpire, and all self-controlled transportation has been made illegal without undergoing painful medical verification methods, in which arteries are severed without pain resistant, operated entirely by machines. The way they work claim to be the most hygenic and healthy way possible, but these machines often rub against pain points, causing great deals of pain to patients. The heart is then extracted from the body and placed into a glass grinding machine. Various energy centers are also dissected and replaced with dangerous transplants. After the painful, 52 hour surgical procedure, patients will then have to use a fused guidance tool, which pumps painful resistors into the body every 2 hours. The pain they have caused is so bad, the victim would freeze in a tense position. They would then collapse afterwards.

Sexual stimulation in any way within the grounds of the Fourth Stimpire is strictly prohibited, and anyone detected even touching their sexual organs will be subjected to a penectomy or if the offender was a female, they would then have a razor inserted into their ovaries. They would pump a blue solution into the womb until the stitchings burst. Offenders would also be forced to show their operated areas in public, and they would always harass and punch them to a pulp, against their will.

Otherwise, offenders would be tazed with the worst type of electricity in the systematic district, causing so much pain, the victim would scream and flail in madness. The pain would also triple every second, but no death would be incurred. This is also used in combat against enemy units, which is why all UEE forces must wear the upgraded suit to block this effect.

However, enertainment is also questionable in UEE grounds. Sporting events end with the losing team being rounded into a grinder and shredded on live television, boxing matches end with the loser having their hands removed without anasthesia, flight races would end with the losers having their arms and legs removed, then being injected with insanity, for entertainment. People are also forced into these events, by undergoing a painful 127 hour procedure which involves tweaking the muscles so they will not listen to brain commands, and then having a painful drug injected which also causes madness if the player is not sporting. This is all for entertainment, and anyone not watching any of it during sporting times and cheering for the winning team, they will be imprisoned into galactic camps.

Snuff films are also broadcast, and actors are actually murdered just for entertainment. Stealth droids also guide these forced actors into behaving exactly as the director dreams, otherwise they will be punished by being placed into a macerator and having their execution written into the film. Any film that does not feature someone being murdered will be burned and the entire crew behind it will be executed in the most grotesque way possible - vivisection.

All executions are broadcast, and anyone who misses even a millisecond, even by blinking, will be executed. All citizens must boo to the person being executed, and the family is gathered to be injected with eternators, which cause pain forever, making them immoral but feeling the pain tenfold every millisecond. They cannot pass out, but they will feel like it forever.

Conquests by this Stimpire end in the planet being razed, and all the citizens being executed in the same way as their citizens are. The planet is then destroyed and all remnants of it are removed, and any memories of it will be erased instantly from civil minds. People who are also killed are also erased from memories, and all memories of them, including toys and pictures, are destroyed.

Prisoners undergo 40,000 years of relentless and endless labor, and anyone not complying is sentenced to the eternator injection. All prisoners injected with eternators are placed into capsules and launched into far space, then the room is closed tight to ensure maximum insanity. Some prisoners are also subjected to the removal of blood, the lungs, the liver, the genitals, the skeleton, the muscles, the eyes, and even the injection of pressure. Prisoners sentenced to pressure chambers are locked in until they are inflated to a high level. The decompression is then stopped to make sure they are inflated and uncomfortable.

Children born on the 14th of July are subjected to the removal of their skeleton and an implant of a silver liquid to replace it. The nervous sysem is also injected in various parts to ensure it is five times more sensitive than the average.

Restaurants also are ordered to serve civil meat, and anyone attending must give themself up to be cooked into a grotesque meal. They are cooked alive, undergoing extreme pain, and are then subjected to industrial grinders and blenders. The Stimpire orders at least 1 million citizens to be dispatched every day, as they are afraid the population may overthrow them. But only one planet is cared for, and the rest are banned from eating, drinking, talking, using technology, touching anyone, wearing unauthorized clothes, touching buildings, or walking a centimeter out of designated routes. Civil enforcers are on every planet, and they are engineered so that they are 40 times larger than the 300 quadrillion population. At least 7 billion die every 12 hours under this rule.

Thoughts are also surveyed, and anyone who does not think anything to loving the Stimpire with more than their capabilities will be sentenced to a prison. Prisoners who are punished for this violation will meet their greatest fear, only to have it amplified so they will turn insane as they imagine it exactly as they fear it. They then undergo a painful extraction of all fluids, to be replaced by a toxin which causes permanent irritation. The unknown substance keeps the subject aging normally, except they will never die. Prisoners punished in this way are unable to be reverted, despite many efforts, and they will never be able to be disposed.

The sickening truths have been revealed only today, and invigilation teams are still investigating the truths without setting foot in the galactic space of this sickening empire.

Nov 17, 2017
Can't wait for the spin off

Nov 27, 2006

🛑 Don't get your pen🖊️, son, you won't be 👌 needing that 😌. My 🥡 order's 💁 simple😉, a shitload 💩 of dim sims 🌯🀄. And I want a bucket 🪣 of soya sauce☕😋.


has anyone said fart citizen yet

e: fart shitizen

let me throw my hat in the ring and be the first to say shart shitizen

Mar 7, 2014

Slava Ukrayini

Clapping Larry

Dark Off
Aug 14, 2015

Star Citizen will never end. There is always more and its always worse.

Nov 7, 2014

Daztek posted:

He's toast



Mar 21, 2008

It's yet another day in the wasteland.

Is this the right room for an argument?

May 10, 2008

We already have an SC thread in GBS.

Feb 13, 2008

$60,000,000 sexbot

Here's to another few thousand pages of amazing drama!

Aug 30, 2017

ShitMeter: -------------|- 99%
So are there still special rules for anime and meme posting?
Asking for a friend....

Nov 7, 2014

Burns posted:

We already have an SC thread in GBS.

How many bears

Aug 30, 2017

ShitMeter: -------------|- 99%

Jim DiGriz
Apr 28, 2008

Maybe there is no room for guys like us.
Grimey Drawer
Finally, Tier 1! Here's to thousands more pages of fun!

Jan 11, 2014


Jun 5, 2011

I can help
They have been laying, cleaning out and streamlining the pipelines for years.

So, currently they have lots of pipelines.

Apr 29, 2006


Zazz Razzamatazz posted:

The Sickening and Heartbreaking Truths of the Fourth Stimpire
Alright, now that we're on a new thread, can I finally find out where the hell this crazy story originated in the first place? :psyduck:

Nov 7, 2014

Jim DiGriz posted:

Finally, Tier 1! Here's to thousands more pages of fun!

Excuse me, I notice you are not a platinum member. You won't be able to access the You must be a platinum member to read this text.

Enchanted Hat
Aug 18, 2013

Defeated in Diplomacy under suspicious circumstances
I heard that Star Citizen is bad

kilus aof
Mar 24, 2001
"And to be honest I think it would be pretty hard for someone to try to do it and compete. I mean I would think maybe the Rockstar guys could because they got the resources."

Published on Mar 30, 2016

Jun 2, 2006

JazzFlight posted:

Alright, now that we're on a new thread, can I finally find out where the hell this crazy story originated in the first place? :psyduck:

It's fanfiction a backer posted on the official star citizen forums many years ago


Aug 30, 2017

ShitMeter: -------------|- 99%
So if Store Citizer is in the Games section now, it must mean that it is a game now.

When did that happen?

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